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What Did Newton Say to the Apple? and Other Word Play by Richard Seltzer

Nonsensical Science (51)

Never Grow Up (177)

Speaking in Tongues (48)

Letter Play (22)

Bedtime Whimsy and Romance (89)
Trumpisms (13)

Nonsensical Science

 1

What did Newton say to the apple? 

May the force be with you.

 

2

Definition of predestination:

de fault of de stars.

 

3

It's not what you no;

it's what you yes that counts.

 

4

In Israel, a plumber and a carpenter were working together on a construction project. 

The plumber boasted, "My dad invented the shower." 

The carpenter replied, "My dad invented the rain."

 

5

The Earth is crazy.

Diagnosis - bipolar.

 

6

Chinese tell their kids:

"Think of all the overweight children in America. 

Eat wisely."

 

7

When Moses had a headache, God gave him two tablets and told him to rest. 

 

8

God told Jesus,

"Walk,

don't run,

on water."

 

9

When the cannibals served missionary for lunch, they called it "roast belief".

 

10

Vegetarians finally resolved the age-old question of which came first the chicken or the egg. 

The egg plant.

 

11

What videogame was designed by a school of theology? 

Moral Combat.

 

12

Early man had a bad sense of direction and often got lost. 

That's how he earned the name "meander-thal man".

 

13

What did the papa shoe say to the baby shoe?

You are what you feet.

 

14

Some economists believe that creation began when a consortium of bankers paid God to create it. 

That is known as the Big Bank Theory.

 

15

How do sinners communicate at sea? 

re-morse code

 

16

The Gospel of John deifies all logic.

 

17

What nursery rhyme character was renowned as a mathematician? 

Simple Simon

He was a pi man

 

18

What's another name for an oracle? 

A fountain of eternal truth

 

19

A guy who never studied enough in high school and college became a success on Broadway as an understudy.

 

20

When a college student has to repeat his first year, that's called "refreshment".

 

21

My mother wrote 

My father wrote. 

So I learned by rote.

 

22

Some people can tell the future by listening to running children. 

They read the pattern of little feet.

 

23

Why did the saliva try to drip down to the chin? 

Because she wanted to explore outer face.

 

24

How can you say "broken" with just three characters?

132 (out of order)

 

25

What's a definition for "miraculous"?

Holy unlikely

 

26

What is the slogan of the Marine Corps math team?

Semper Finite

 

27

You know how to square space, but what is time squared?

42nd St. and Broadway

 

28

An author with writer's block is ink capacitated.

 

29

What is a more shocking headline than "man bites dog"? 

egg lays hen

 

30

The golden rule --

guilt is gold.

 

31

Noah didn't have time to gather two of every species.  So God gave him the power to change one kind of animal to another, but the animals had to volunteer.  As the deadline approached, Noah was still missing one African animal.  So he started advertising, "Go home gnu."

 

32

Why did the scientist go all over the world looking for tea? 

He was seeking certain tea

 

33

Epitaph -- His life was a typo in the history of mankind.

 

34

How did early Lutherans lose weight? 

A diet of worms

 

35

Which Greek philosopher was also a great athlete? 

Soccer Tees

 

36

Who is the Father of God?

The Godfather, of course.

 

37

Where should you go to learn to read a compass?

A magnet school.

 

38

What mathematical function finds it easy to get bank loans?

Cosign

 

39

What mathematical function is a person of color?

tan-gent

 

40

Going to school to learn how to morrow.

 

41

On the first Christmas, the Fairy Godmother gave God a 3D printer, and He made the Heavens and the Earth and people and everything.

 

42

The perfect gift for a spirtual leader --

birthday presence

 

43

The future is bright.

The past is stupid.

The present hasn't taken the test yet.

 

44

The after life is likely to be messy.

The after birth certainly is.

 

45

You can't take your time and have it too.


46

Definition of optimism:
If God were a professor and mankind a student and all that mankind has done so far were a first assignment, God would say: "And this too will pass."

 

47

Theme song of Edvard Munch -

To dream the impossible scream

 

48

Treatise on the life styles of the idle and aged -

Bingo or Nothingness

by Jean-Paul Satire

49
Life is a many-layered cake.
Bite deep to taste it all.

50

The Uncertainty Theory
When uncertain tea is served,
take it with a grain of salt.

51

The New World Order -

spaghetti and meatball, Caesar salad, an Italian roll, and a glass of water,

for seven and a half billion people

Never Grow Up

 

1

Why did the trapeze artist go to Austria to find a bride?

He wanted to fly through the air with the greatest of Viennese.

 

2

Did you hear about the hat that got a job as a waiter in a fancy restaurant? 

He made a fortune. 

Everybody tips a hat.

 

3

Tell me the lyrics to a love song about a compulsive liar. 

"My Bonnie lies over the ocean.  My Bonnie lies over the sea..."

 

4

Many women who jog are overweight. Many women who don't jog are thin. So if you want to lose weight, you shouldn't jog

 

5

What is the best educated device in the chemistry lab? A graduated beaker

 

6

He was unsuitable. 

Nothing fit him.

 

7

A weightlifter showed off his physique on the beach, flexing his biceps. 

He invited a young lady to squeeze them. 

When she did, they made a musical sound. 

He explained, "That's muscle tone."

 

8

What do you call a man who laughs himself to death? 

A comic kazie.

 

9

If you don't exercise, you'll need an extra size.

 

10

What did Zeus say when he came down to Earth as a swan? 

"Take me to your Leda."

 

11

Who was the most famous female knight of King Arthur's Round Table? 

Irene. 

What? 

Haven't you heard of Good Knight Irene?

 

12

Queen Elizabeth was visiting New Zealand for the first time. She went to the city of Auckland, and it was remarkably quiet. Then she sent to Wellington, and it was the same. Then she went to a village in the mountains and the noise was deafening.  Her guide explained, "It takes a village to raise a ruckus."

 

13

What did the car horn say when it felt  depressed?

"To beep or not to beep."

 

14

What do you call a butcher who loves his work? 

A choppaholic

 

15

How do amoebas communicate?

By cell phone.

 

16

What happens when a Jew gets bitten by a mad dog? 

He becomes rabbied

 

17

What did the ankles say to their neighbors? 

Hi, Heels.

 

18

Did you hear about the grammarian who created a new kind of medical practice? 

Acu-punctuation.

 

19

Why was the priest exceptionally thin?

Because he exorcised all day.

 

20

What do you say when someone wakes you up and tells you a tornado is about to strike?

"Good warning."

 

21

Why did the 90 year old Congressman vote against the Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty?

Because he didn't want to do away with the nuclear family.

 

22

Why did a young woman interested in ecology and sustainable energy buy white cotton tee shirts. 

Because they were stainable.

 

23

What is the magical part of New York?

Staten Island. 

You get there by Fairy Boat.

 

24

What do they call the pecking order of scents in the perfume industry? 

Robert's Rules of Odor

 

25

When Obi Wan Kenobi moved to Korea, he became known as the Chosen Wan.

 

26

Did you hear about the comedian who became a banker? 

He was great at funs management.

 

27

A Mormon elder drove his family crazy saying everything in the form of a quote from the Bible; until a son dared talk back,

"Say it, don't pray it."

 

28

There's an area outside of Washington with lots of exercise and diet businesses. 

It's known as the Beltway.

 

29

What was the name of Count Dracula's newsletter? 

Good Even Ink

 

30

What did the orange juice say to the rain? 

"Stop.  I'm trying to concentrate."

 

31

What's the best way to watch a collision?

With a collide-o-scope

 

32

What's a good name for a dating service for mermaids and mermen?

Aqua mate.

 

33

The tax accountants got together every year after the tax deadline and shared their successes and congratulated one another. 

It was a mutual depreciation society.

 

34

The witches from Macbeth would have made terrible baseball umpires because they thought that fair is foul and foul is fair.

 

35

Where do you find lots of black sheep?

In Lower California. 

You've heard of baja baja black sheep.

 

36

Praying to Baggus, the god of lost luggage

 

37

What Virginia river is well-known as a pop singer?

Rappa-hannock

 

38

What do you call a dog bought for jogging exercise? 

Lap dog.

 

39

When an Englishman meets a cup of tea in the street, how does he greet him? 

Hi, tea.

 

40

What do you call a mechanized device for rowing a boat? 

A row bot

 

41

Why should you never get into a taxi driven by a witch? 

Because the fare is foul.

 

42

A mailman gave his girlfriend an engagement ring. 

The next day he gave her another one. 

She asked why. 

He replied that the postman always rings twice.

 

43

Where do medical examiners shop? 

The coroner store.

 

44

When a computer has one problem after another after another, what do you call that? 

A son of a glitch

 

45

What did the pain say when treated with a muscle relaxant?  

I got to get out of this joint.

 

46

What did the webmaster give the web page? 

A birthday gif

 

47

Why was the Toyota afraid of dogs? 

Because he heard that they are car-nivores

 

48

Why was the island dropped from a list of best destinations? 

Because she had a bad latitude

 

49

Where did the convict go to live when he was released from prison? 

An ex-condominium.

 

50

In a string quartet, which instrument is traditionally played by a fish? 

The bass fiddle.

 

51

What did the lady of little means do with her clothes when she lost 60 pounds?

She took them to church to be altared.

 

52

What kind of background music should you play on Christmas Eve? 

A wrapsody.

 

53

What do they call Internet connectivity on an airplane?

Why fly.

 

54

What do you call a mythical bird who runs an employment agency? 

A jobberwocky

 

55

Who was named middle eastern champion of latin american dance?

The cha of Iran

 

56

What is the perfect gift for an ex on the occasion of the breakup? 

A piece of rope with a knot in the middle --

a forget me knot

 

57

What do you call schooling designed for children of wealthy families? 

Heir conditioning

 

58

Why was the prime minister of England upset when he went to a restaurant in New Guinea? 

The menu included "prime rib".

 

59

A man who moved from the city to the country woke up and said, "It's a beautiful day -- not a crowd in the sky.

 

60

What is the name of a popular gossip column in the Land of Electrons? 

Current Affairs

 

61

Terms of en-deerment:  fawn, doe, buck

 

62

Why did the Asian lady wear long skirts? 

She was Shy Knees

 

63

Better read than dead, said the book

 

64

I'm on a roll, like a pad of butter.

 

65

What happened when Kafka jumped on a trampoline? 

The Czech bounced.

 

66

How do you open a dorsh? 

With a quiche.

 

67

What apartment did Hamlet live in? 

2B

 

68

What made people think Superman is very generous? 

His large S.

 

69

Why do lumberjacks make good computer users? 

They have lots of experience logging in and logging out.

 

70

In medieval Germany, before the legends of Santa Claus, there was a mythic character who every Christmas gave little girls necklaces. 

He was known as Saint Necklace

 

71

What does a grouchy vegetarian say? 

Bah hummus bug

 

72

Which cartoon character is famous for his weight loss diet?

Yoghurt Bear

 

73

Why was the bureau accepted at Yale? 

Because it was a smart dresser

 

74

Which of King Solomon's spouses was in charge of Internet connectivity? 

Wife five

 

75

How do clocks celebrate their victories?

With ticker parades

 

76

When the prioress fell in love with the abbot, how did she address her letters to him? 

"Dear Abbey"

 

77

Why did the grammarian go to the podiatrist? 

He was afraid of getting comma-toes.

 

78

Twins from Warsaw became Artic explorers.  They went in opposite directions.  One became the North Pole and the other the South Pole.

 

79

What did the steak say when he went to bed at night? 

Now I filet me down to sleep.

 

80

How do amoebas communicate?

By cellphone.

 

81

Which grocery store chain do golfers prefer?

Hole-in-One Foods

 

82

Louis XIV had a ne're-do-well son.  To discipline him, Louis cut off his funds.  Then Louis was surprised to find out that his son had started a successful business, catering to tourists --

Swim with the dauphin.

 

83

What's another word for miser? 

A dough nut

 

84

What kind of car does a wealthy chef drive? 

A Caviac

 

85

A guy needed to fix a vase.  He asked a friend, "What should I use?"

He answered, "I don't have a glue."

 

86

The Deli Lama makes a great ham sandwich.

 

87

What did Lady MacBeth say when her puppy couldn't be house trained? 

"Out! Out! Damned Spot!"

 

88

Why is a nautical mile a more accurate measure of distance than a land mile?

Because on land you can't sea where you're going.

 

89

What would you call a lunar retreat for religious fanatics? 

A moon-astery

 

90

What do you study if you want to become a midwife for dogs and cats? 

Litter-ature

 

91

Where do wealthy moths get buried? 

Moth-oleums

 

92

Why did the fish take piano lessons?

He wanted to become a piano tuna

 

93

What kind of jewelry do angels wear?

Spirit-jewel

 

94

A man who wanted to become both a lawyer and a pasty chef studied torts and tarts.

 

95

How do leftovers talk to one another in the refrigerator? 

By cellophone

 

96

When the seas were stormy, what kind of wine did the captain want? 

Port. 

Any port in a storm.

 

97

When a dinghy goes berserk, how do you get it under control? 

With a ding bat

 

98

What do pigs use when they have a cut? 

Antibiotic oink-ment

 

99

What brand of chewing gum is popular in Ireland? 

Dublin mint gum

 

100

What did the burglar's friends sing on his birthday? 

"For he's a jolly good felon."

 

101

An age-old question could was resolved by Emily Post. 

When serving dinner, egg always comes before chicken.

 

102

When Columbus sailed to America, he sailed in the Santa Maria. 

When the Pope sailed to America, he sailed in the Ave Maria.

 

103

What is the science of measuring carbs?

Gastro-economics

 

104

What did the lizard want to be when he grew up? 

A newt reporter

 

105

Where do the best Japanese comedians come from? 

Joke-ohama

 

106

Who is the Korean messiah? 

The Chosen One

 

107

What did Moses say to the Red Sea? 

Parting is such sweet sorrow.

 

108

What's the favorite dance of armored vehicles? 

The tank-o

 

109

When a submarine misbehaves, what do you call it? 

Naughty-less

 

110

Which animal is known for its drug addiction? 

The crackodile

 

111

What do you call a chef who specializes in linguine? 

A linguist.

 

112

When the head chef ran into difficulties, he always told his staff,

"There is no in-supper-able problem."

 

113

Did you hear about the American tourist who didn't want to exchange her dollars when she went to Europe? 

She was afraid of getting a euro tract infection.

 

114

What's a good name for a business providing financial advice for the beef industry?

Cow Jones

 

115

A guy just got back from a long trip.

"How was the flight?" asked his friend.

"The coach was fine, but the six horses made it a bit crowded."

 

116

What's the name of the cat who ruled China?

Meow tse tung

 

117

What did Chaucer say to a cleric on the way to Canterbury?

Howdy, pardonner

 

118

When one mistake leads to another, what do you call it? 

Son of a glitch

 

119

Where do dogs sleep when they go camping?

In a pup tent

 

120

When a ghost opened a little shop on the corner, what did he call it?

A boo-tique

 

121

The traveller's law --

Baggage expands to fill the space available.

 

122

What do you say when UPS arrives at the door?

How now brown truck?

 

123

What do you call an electronic music gadget with three legs?

A tripod

 

124

Pa Jong is an ancient boardgame that Chinese men play sitting on benches waiting for their wives who are shopping.

 

125

What's the title of the autobiography of a famous Italian gourmet?

Remembrance of Time Pasta

 

126

When the standup comedian delivered an outstanding performance, his bride gave him a standing ovulation.

 

127

A trappist monk flies through the air with the greatest of silence.

 

128

An example of when repetition isn't repetition. 

The headline --

Mink stole mink stole

 

129

The middle-aged lady married a guy named Jack Young, so she could say that she married young.

 

130

How does Satan greet new arrivals?

Hell-o

 

131

A Moslem was upset that he could only connect to the Internet with wife five, when all he could have was four wives.

 

132

What do you call the fee a surrogate is paid?

Carrying charge

 

133

Did you hear about the angle who spent his whole life in school and earned 90 degrees?

 

134

The cruise passenger's prayer:

The salad bar is my shepherd.

I shall not want,

And I shall not gain.

 

135

Why did the dieter buy fish?

He wanted to check his weight, and he had heard that fish have scales.

 

136

A mixing bowl had an opportunity to become part of a Cuisinart, but she declined because her daddy always told her, "Never a blender be."

 

137

As I get older, my memory is improving. Forty years ago I never could find my cellphone.

 

138

Mary Christmas

and Joseph New Year

 

139

You can never have a little real estate.

You always have a lot

 

140

What is a word meaning old fashioned wealth?

Opulescence

 

141

A blue flower that grows on volcanic islands should be called lava-nder.

 

142

How do desserts greet one another?

Jell-o

 

143

A holy roller preacher looked like he was seriously depressed. 

A parishoner asked, "What's wrong?"

The preacher replied, "It's hard to believe."

 

144

Why did the Yankees hire an opera singer?

They heard he had perfect pitch.

 

145

What do you call a photograph of a cup of coffee?

A mug shot.

 

146

A man sitting in a restaurant was arrested as a peeping tom. 

He was staring at the salad dressing.

 

147

What did the momma rope say to the daddy rope when he snored?

Quiet.  You'll wake up the twines.

 

148

A nomadic alien found Earth by homing in on television signals.  What were his first words when he landed?

Take me to your movies.

 

149

What role did dogs play in the automation of retail sales?

They invented the bark code

 

150

Ancient Scottish saying:

There's more than one way to skin a flint.

 

151

What is Alan Alda's favorite food?

MASH potatoes.

 

152

What's the best place to buy used sea food?

A prawn shop.

 

153

What model of sports car does the president of McDonald's drive?

Hambuguini

 

154

Why did the bull panic on Hannukah?

Becuse he was afriad of being gelded.

 

155

What business likes to hire owls?

Hooters

 

156

What owl became a singing cowby movie star?

Hoot Gibson.

 

157

What do you call a corncob with only one kernel?

A unicorn

 

158

What does a unicorn ride?

A unicycle

 

159

Santa landed his sleigh in the desert in front of the sheikh's house.  The sheih burst out in tears  His wife asked, "What's wrong?"

He explained, "I prayed for rain, dear."

 

160

When a rabbit feels sorry for hmself, what does he sing?

Thump pity, thump thump

 

161

What did the first woman president say to her brassiere on the occasion of her winning the election?

I thank you for your support.

 

162

A marriage ceremony is like a baptism.  That's why they call it a wetting.

 

163

What did the skunk pirate captain say?

Stink the ship.

 

164

Why did the daddy goat laugh when the mommy goat was in labor?

She was kidding.

 

165

Definition of snoring --

Sleeping soundly

 

166

How do you encourage a whale to exercise?

Burn blubber!

 

167

What do you call a smartphone you are mad at?

A ding bat.

 

168

Slogan of a slave dealer -

All men are crated equal.

 

169

What was the name of the Buddhist nun who invented the automobile?

Car Ma

What was the name of her dog?

Car Pet

 

170

What is the name of one hand clapping?

Hands Solo

 

171

When you are investigating bank fraud, who should you interrogate first?

the teller


172
What did Queen Gueneviere's rival say to her?
Share your love of Art.


173
Why was the mushroom a good date?
he was a fun guy


174
How to praise a great chef:
Supperb!


175

Book ends taking shelf-defense lessons.

 

176

What do you call an ancient Chinese vase that makes a siren sound in case of theft?

Alarm Ming

 

177

What is the highest rank in the army of corn?

kernel


 

Speaking in Tongues

 

1

What do you say when someone dies in Venice? 

Gondolences

 

2

What illness is unique to gentiles? 

Goy-ter

 

3

What is COBOL? 

An ancient geek language.

 

4

The concord grape's ambition was to become the raisin d'etre.

His brother just wanted to be raisin' hell.

 

5

What do rich Italians say to their babies? 

"Gucci Gucci goo."

 

6

When the American student travelled to Spain, he was confident that he'd never go hungry on the bus.  In a pinch, he could always eat the emergency salad (salida de emergencia)

 

7

What's a good name for an elementary school mathematics tournament? 

Battle of the Somme

 

8

When will that mathematics tournament be held? 

Sum day

 

9

What do dogs say to one another at the start of a meal? bone appetit

 

10

What does a Frenchman say when he knocks off someone's wig? 

Toupee

 

12

What is the polite thing to say when someone sneezes on you in Spain?

Mucus gracias.

 

13

What was the theme song of the Cuban Revolution?

Adeste Fidelis

 

14

What do you call a bus travel nightmare? 

A coach mar

 

15

What do you call a Spanish pig who is always asking why? 

Por que Pig

 

16

What do cows and citizens of Barcelona have in common?  They both speak cattle-an

 

17

What did Barbra Streisand say to Arnold Schwarzenegger when he won Mr. America?

Muscle tov

 

18

A Chinaman who signed up for a table tennis tournament was outraged by the color of the balls.  "I thought this was pink pong."

 

19

What did the Jewish lady say about the Protestant singer? 

"He has an amazing goyce."

 

20

What do you call an Italian-Jewish resort for divorcees? 

a spa gett

 

21

What do you call the recruiting period for Jewish fraternities and sororities? 

Rush hoshana.

 

22

What language do ropes speak?

Thai

 

23

Where in Paris can you buy underwear made out of bread? 

The Boule lingerie

 

24

Name an Argentinian communist comedian. 

Gaucho Marx.

 

25

What's the favorite line-dancing music in Israeli bars? 

Have a tequila

 

26

In France, an old lady with a job as a court recorder is known as a "noter dame".

 

27

What French Painter loved the colors red and black?

Red-noir

 

28

Janitor's philosophy --

Je pense donc je sweep.

 

29

To a Frenchman, what is the most naive drink?

Tea

As in naivete

 

30

In France, when a builder of highways has regrets, he rues the day.

 

31

In Paris, what do you call a sudden craving for bread?

A pain-ic attack

 

32

A French woman hugs her husband and whispers"

"Homme, sweet homme."

 

33

In August almost nothing is or sale in Paris. 

It's all solde.

 

34

What is the sexiest town on the Rhone River?

Tournon (Turn-on)

 

35

What do you call the United Nations organization for the protection of snails?

UNESCARGOT

 

36

What do you call a young French beggar?

A beguette

 

37

I'd rather carpe deam than carpe diem --

Grab the goddess.

 

38

How do shell fish congratulate each other?

Mussel tov

 

39

French compliment.

Magni chique

 

40

When Benedict Arnold retired, he bacame a caterer in Paris --

Un traiteur

 

41

A single lady in France is known as an homme-less person.

 

42

What's the name of the French artist who cut off his ear and ran to Tahiti?

Van Gaughin

 

43

What university in Germany is designed for overweight students?

Tubingen (too big 'un)

 

44

How should you congratulate a Jewish weight-lifting champion?

Muscle tov

 

45

Target in France is pronounced "Tarjay".

In India, it is the Tarjmahal.

 

46

What do you call the mother of all cherries?

Ma Cherie

 

47

Why was Carl Jung happier than Sigmund Freud?

Because he knew that he would be Jung forever.

 

48

Russian billboard:

Join the beet generation.

Eat Borscht.

 

Lettter and Number Play

 1

What is the theme song of the letter V? 

I will follow U

 

2

What is the most generous letter?

Q

You've often heard "thank q"

 

3

What letter is renowned for its archer?

L

He uses his L bow.

 

4

Which letters is an alcoholic?"

O

You've heard of wine-o"

 

5

What is the most romantic letter?

U

People often say "I love U".

 

11

On what day of the year are there only 25 letters in the alphabet?

Christmas (No-el)

 

12

Which letter is the boss of the alphabet?

D

You've heard of the Maitre D

 

13

Where does D live? 

Beyond the C

 

14

The bizarre effects of the suffix "e" in English

sing, singe

bing, binge

win, wine

fin, fine

for, fore

rang, range

ton, tone

man, mane

rod, rode

rob, robe

sit, site

rat, rate

mat, mate

pur, pure

can, canne

shin, shine

 

15

Other bizarre word pairs:

price and prize

spice and spies

lice and lies

vice and vies

rice and rise

nose and noise

toes and toys

was and ways

 

16

What is the most courageous letter?

O, as in brave o, or bravo

 

17

What is the most optimistic letter?

K, as in K sera sera.

 

18

What's the meanest letter in the alphabet?

T. 

You've heard to cruel T.

 

19

Which number spends a lot of time in the hospital

Six. 

He suffers from perpetual sixness.

 

20

Which number misbehaves more than any other number?

Zero.

It's very naughty.

 

21

The number three had a longstanding problem with number five. 

He could never get even.

 

22

Did you hear about the cute verb that was prepositioned an infinitive number of times?

 

Bedtime Whimsy and Romance

 

1

An elderly couple stood on the bridge of a cruise ship and started singing loudly "A, e, i, o, u." over and over again. 

The captain asked, "What are you doing?" 

"Renewing our vowels."

 

2

What do they call the volunteers at Las Vegas hospitals?

Candy Strippers

 

3

What do you call a brilliant beautiful woman?

PhD = pretty hot dame

 

4

What did the cartographer and his wife do after lunch?

They had an afternoon map.

 

5

When hypnotists fall in love what do they do for dates?  

They go trancing

 

7

What do you call a loose-moralled dental assistant?

Dental floosie.

 

8

Another name for a boat show -- ship tease

 

9

Why did a husband give his wife rouge and eyeliner and lipstick for Christmas?

He was hoping for makeup sex.

 

10

Which came first, the chicken, the egg, or the teenage boy? 

The teenage boy. 

He was very horny

 

11

Which Paris church is the favorite of prostitutes? 

Notre Madame

 

12

A guy sees a beautiful lady at the buffet, rushes up and puts potato chips on her plate. 

"What are you doing?" she asks. 

"That's my way of saying I'd like to have a relation chip with you."

 

13

What would be a good title for a movie about Internet romance?

Love, Tweet Love

 

14

What dairy product is used as an aphrodisiac? 

Tantric yoghurt

 

15

St Patrick's Day greeting:

Kiss me.

I'm part Irish.

Keep kissing till you find the right part.\

 

16

Another St. Patrick's Day greeting:

May all your off-color jokes be green.

 

17

Are you looking for an older man? 

I guarantee I'll get older.

I'll get older everyday,

Just for you. 

That's true devotion.

 

18

What do you call a couple who just had sex for the first time?

Newly beds.

 

19

What do you call a street-side matchmaker?

A meet-her maid.

 

20

Where are  the best topless clubs in Italy?

Niples.

 

21

When the grammarians married, they exchanged vowels

 

22

Someone tried to borrow a cough lozenge from a lady of the night. 

She replied, "I don't give away my sucrets."

 

23

An Egyptian princess reaching puberty and growing sizable breasts wanted to show them off often.  Her parents reprimanded her frequently, leading to her nickname --

Never Titi.

 

24

Definition of a chastity belt. 

Pubic defender.

 

25

What do you call it when a thief is caught by a waitress from Hooters? 

Busted.

 

26

What do you call  a guy who has strong sexual needs?

An urge-gent.

 

27

She looks great in a little black dress, but she would look even better in a freudian slip.

 

28

Name for new resort on the Pacific coast of Mexico -- Puerto Viagra

 

30

"I'm looking for a one-life stand.  

But you build a life one night at a time.

Are you free tonight?"

 

31

The monk who gave up celibacy for Lent.

 

32

What do you call a scientist who studies farts? 

A gas-tronomer.

 

33

What do you call a hooker who is menstruating? 

A period piece

 

34

What is the bible of grammarians? 

The Comma Sutra.

 

35

How do members of Congress make appointments with escorts? 

Through the Inappropriations Committee

 

36

What kind of bed do newly weds prefer? 

Kink size.

 

37

When the chicken and the egg had sex, which came first?

 

38

What do  you call a gentile gigolo?

A goy toy

 

39

What do you call the study of sex? 

Science Friction.

 

40

Why did the Buddhist go to a nudist camp? 

She preferred her yogi bare

 

41

The minister at a gay wedding pronounced, "I join you in holy patrimony."

 

42

The would-be Casanova majored in cliterature.

 

43

By law pharoahs had to mate with their sisters. 

When a friend asked Cleopatra how she felt about this practice, she replied, "He's very good inbred."

 

44

What do Moselms say to their girlfriends on February 14? 

Will you be my veil-in-tine?

 

45

What do you call a successful prostitute? 

A busy body

 

46

Why did the strip club owner buy a labrador retriever? 

He wanted to offer lab dances.

 

47

Her vagina was a members only club.

 

48

What's the favorite treat of male cats?

cat nipple

 

49

What does the Declaration of Independence have in common with a sex manual? 

The opening words are "When intercourse..."

 

50

Why did Eve invent the first diet? 

She wanted to keep her girlish fig.

 

51

What do you call an afternoon breast feeding session? 

Teat time

 

52

What's another word for a porn magazine? 

Pubication.

 

53

A Moslem was having sexual performance problems.  So he went to his doctor and the doctor said, "Take four wives and call me in the morning."

 

54

What did the clam say to his girlfriend? Shell we chowder together?

 

55

What did the sex pervert order for an appetizer? 

fetish-chini

 

56

What happens when a young girl eats too many pies?

She becomes a tart.

 

57

Why did the elevator button have trouble forming romantic relationships? 

He was pressed, depressed, and repressed.

 

58

What do you call the back side of a knee? 

"the knee pit"

and a kiss there is call a "kneep"

 

59

What's the most romantic fragrance? 

lovender

 

60

Why was the trumpet player nervous about his first date with a wonderful woman? 

He was afraid he would blow it.

 

61

As they neared climax, the lady said, "You're a nice man."

He replied, "The nice man cometh."

 

62

What European bug is associated with love? 

The Roman tick.

 

63

A bride who marries well is well groomed.

 

64

"Honey, can you call room service, please." 

"No dear.  We're on our honeymoon.  What you need is groom service."

 

65

How did the Lone Ranger meet his wife? 

They were rangers in the night.

 

66

I love being with you. 

I love being in you. 

That's innuendo.

 

67

Pornographers write with pen and kink.

 

68

When the stripper slithered out of her underwear, what did the holy roller in the audience chant?

Repant! Repant!

 

69

How to make love:

mix two souls

add flesh

stir by hand

melt with passion

season to taste

repeat as desired

desire often

 

70

What's a favorite song about cuddling?

Spoon River

 

71

What's the favorite love song of apes?

Gorill of my dreams.

 

72

Heartbreak is emotion sickness.

 

73

What does the baker say to his loving wife?

Would you like to jump my scones?

 

74

What do you call a sexy English person?

anglo sexon

 

75

What should you call the short version of the Kama Sutra?

Clit Notes

 

76

When the hula dancer caught the attenton of the entire crew goggling, what did the capain say?

loose hips sink ships

 

77

A poor Saudi Arabian proposed to his girl friend. She was delighted especially because he was so poor.  That meant she knew she would be his sole mate.

 

78

Why did the lady dance with a computer in her hand?

She wanted to give her partner a laptop dance.

 

79

The fork fell in love with a knife in shining armor.

 

80

Toast to a hooker --

bottoms up.

 

81

An older woman going on Match.com is going antique shopping.

 

82

When Joseph used a condom, what was the event called?

The immaculate contraception.

 

83

What do you call a stripper's cleavage?

Silicone Valley

 

84

What should a groom wear when getting married online?

A textedo

 

85

A woman wakes up on Christmas morning dn can't find her husband. She looks everywhere and calls everywhere. There's a big box under the Christmas tree form him to her. Finally, she opens it and her husband pops out.
"What the hell are you doing?" she asks.
"I'm living in the present, like you said."
 


86

What did the river want from the hooker?

a flow job


87

Profile of a zombie on Match.com -

I'm looking for someone with a good sense of horror.

88
They were well matched.
He went out for swimming to learn the breast stroke.
And she went out for crew to become a cocks woman.

89
Ad for a Nevada "ranch" --
Where you can get the most bang for your buck.


Trumpisms

 

1

What do you tell Donald Trump when he's going to bed at night?

"Tweet dreams."

 

2

What misunderstanding led to Trump's disbelief in global warming?

He thought the scientists said it would lead to climax change.

 

3

Coded message meaning that Donald Trump plane has arrived.  

The ego has landed.

 

4

Why didn't Trump dare to go to Georgia? 

He was afraid of being impeached.

 

5

Why did Donald Trump watch surgery room videos? 

He hacked the wrong DNC.

 

6

Why would Trump make a bad general?

He loves to retweet.

 

7

Why did Donald Trump hire a veterinarian?

He had to pick a cabinet and needed to vet them.

 

8

Rumor has it that Trump hasn't stood up in weeks.
Apparently, Giuliani assured him that Mueller can't indict a sitting president.

 

9

Title for a love story about Trump and Stormy Daniels -

Terms of Impeachment 10
Trump is very religious.
When he sees a tall blond, he drops to his knees and prays: "Now I lay you..."

11
Trump never joined the priesthood because he prefers to be a lay man.

12

Change in US foreign policy from Obama to Trump:

From rapprochement to reproachment


13
Trump motto:
You don't need to be above reproach
if you are above the law.


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