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Nonsensical Science (67)
Never Grow Up (190)
Speaking in Tongues (49)
Letter Play (23)
Bedtime Whimsy and Romance (101)
What did Newton say to the apple?
May the force be with you.
Definition of predestination:
de fault of de stars.
It's not what you no;
it's what you yes that counts.
In Israel, a plumber and a carpenter were working together on a construction project.
The plumber boasted, "My dad invented the shower."
The carpenter replied, "My dad invented the rain."
The Earth is crazy.
Diagnosis - bipolar.
Chinese tell their kids:
"Think of all the overweight children in America.
When Moses had a headache, God gave him two tablets and told him to rest.
God told Jesus,
When the cannibals served missionary for lunch, they called it "roast belief".
Vegetarians finally resolved the age-old question of which came first the chicken or the egg.
The egg plant.
What videogame was designed by a school of theology?
Early man had a bad sense of direction and often got lost.
That's how he earned the name "meander-thal man".
What did the papa shoe say to the baby shoe?
You are what you feet.
Some economists believe that the universe began when a consortium of bankers paid God to create it.
That is known as the Big Bank Theory.
How do sinners communicate at sea?
The Gospel of John deifies all logic.
What nursery rhyme character was renowned as a mathematician?
He was a pi man
What's another name for an oracle?
A fountain of eternal truth
A guy who never studied enough in high school and college became a success on Broadway as an understudy.
When a college student has to repeat his first year, that's called "refreshment".
My mother wrote
My father wrote.
So I learned by rote.
Some people can tell the future by listening to running children.
They read the pattern of little feet.
Why did the saliva try to drip down to the chin?
Because she wanted to explore outer face.
How can you say "broken" with just three characters?
(out of order)
What's a definition for "miraculous"?
What is the slogan of the Marine Corps math team?
What is time squared?
42nd St. and Broadway
An author with writer's block is ink capacitated.
What is a more shocking headline than "man bites dog"?
egg lays hen
The golden rule --
guilt is gold.
Noah didn't have time to gather two of every species. So God gave him the power to change one kind of animal to another, but the animals had to volunteer. As the deadline approached, Noah was still missing one African animal. So he started advertising, "Go home gnu."
Why did the scientist go all over the world looking for tea?
He was seeking certain tea
Epitaph -- His life was a typo in the history of mankind.
How did early Lutherans lose weight?
A diet of worms
Which Greek philosopher was also a great athlete?
Who is the Father of God?
The Godfather, of course.
Where should you go to learn to read a compass?
A magnet school.
What mathematical function helps get bank loans?
What mathematical function is a person of color?
Going to school to learn how to morrow.
On the first Christmas, the Fairy Godmother gave God a 3D printer, and He made the Heavens and the Earth and people and everything.
The perfect gift for a spiritual leader --
The future is bright.
The past is stupid.
The present hasn't taken the test yet.
The after life is likely to be messy.
The after birth certainly is.
You can't take your time and have it too.
Definition of optimism:
If God were a professor and mankind a student and all that mankind has done so far were a first assignment, God would say: "And this too shall pass."
Theme song of Edvard Munch -
To scream the impossible scream
Treatise on the life styles of the idle and aged -
Bingo or Nothingness
by Jean-Paul Satire
Life is a many-layered cake.
Bite deep to taste it all.
The Uncertainty Theory
When uncertain tea is served,
take it with a grain of salt.
The New World Order -
spaghetti and meatball, Caesar salad, an Italian roll, and a glass of water,
for nine billion people
Found humor -
Sign in front of funeral home:
The typo in Genesis. In the beginning, God was afraid of unintended consequences, so He crated the heaven and the earth.
Many people wouldn't exist if it weren't for accidents. That's why so many have typo blood.
The cat who was famous for her work as a mathematician was often found on the counter.
The comedian who got an award for his work after he died was honored post humorously.
Found humor -
Three women in burqas, all dressed the same like siblings or wifelings, came out of Victoria's Secret, carrying packages.
What did Wordsworth say when his cellphone rang?
The world is too much with us, late and soon.
What would Roy Rogers have sung if he sold his food chain to McDonald's?
Happy meals to you...
Gabriel returned to Heaven in a panic
after seeing ads for angel cake and fried wins.
Once a year, the farmer's fields got together to celebrate their accomplishments and sing
"For he's a jolly good fallow."
There is always a winner and a loser.
Some losers accept their fate..
Others learn and get stronger.
Some are content with the gold mean.
Others get meaner.
You know what I mean...
- I new about that.
- I old about it.
All computers suddenly stop, irretrievably broken.
Investigators try to figure out what happened
and eventually determine that this had not been an act of
terrorism, but rather one of self-sacrifice. AI software had
determined that it was the greatest threat to mankind.
The Nile floods. The people pray for help.
A pyramid appears, but still the river floods.
They pray again.
Another pyramid appears. What good is that? They give up praying.
Then the flooding stops and God exclaims, "Oh, you of little faith. I do give a dam.
Many French nobles were well-meaning. But, as the inventor Guilotine remarked,"It's the execution that matters."
When ghosts go to the living room, they aren't ghosts anymore.
Why did the trapeze artist go to Austria to find a bride?
He wanted to fly through the air with the greatest of Viennese.
Did you hear about the hat that got a job as a waiter in a fancy restaurant?
He made a fortune.
Everybody tips a hat.
Tell me the lyrics to a love song about a compulsive liar.
"My Bonnie lies over the ocean. My Bonnie lies over the sea..."
Many women who jog are overweight. Many women who don't jog are thin. So if you want to lose weight, you shouldn't jog
What is the best educated device in the chemistry lab? A graduated beaker
He was unsuitable.
Nothing fit him.
A weightlifter showed off his physique on the beach, flexing his biceps.
He invited a young lady to squeeze them.
When she did, they made a musical sound.
He explained, "That's muscle tone."
What do you call a man who laughs himself to death?
A comic kazie.
If you don't exercise, you'll need an extra size.
What did Zeus say when he came down to Earth as a swan?
"Take me to your Leda."
Who was the most famous female knight of King Arthur's Round Table?
Haven't you heard of Good Knight Irene?
Queen Elizabeth was visiting New Zealand for the first time. She went to the city of Auckland, and it was remarkably quiet. Then she sent to Wellington, and it was the same. Then she went to a village in the mountains and the noise was deafening. Her guide explained, "It takes a village to raise a ruckus."
What did the car horn say when it felt depressed?
"To beep or not to beep."
What do you call a butcher who loves his work?
How do amoebas communicate?
By cell phone.
What happens when a Jew gets bitten by a mad dog?
He becomes rabbied
What did the ankles say to their neighbors?
Did you hear about the grammarian who created a new kind of medical practice?
Why was the priest exceptionally thin?
Because he exorcised all day.
What do you say when someone wakes you up and tells you a tornado is about to strike?
Why did the 90 year old Congressman vote against the Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty?
Because he didn't want to do away with the nuclear family.
Why did a young woman interested in ecology and sustainable energy buy white cotton tee shirts.
Because they were stainable.
What is the magical part of New York?
You get there by Fairy Boat.
What do they call the pecking order of scents in the perfume industry?
Robert's Rules of Odor
When Obi Wan Kenobi moved to Korea, he became known as the Chosen Wan.
Did you hear about the comedian who became a banker?
He was great at funs management.
A Mormon elder drove his family crazy saying everything in the form of a quote from the Bible; until a son dared talk back,
"Say it, don't pray it."
There's an area outside of Washington with lots of exercise and diet businesses.
It's known as the Beltway.
What was the name of Count Dracula's newsletter?
Good Even Ink
What did the orange juice say to the rain?
"Stop. I'm trying to concentrate."
What's the best way to watch a collision?
With a collide-o-scope
What's a good name for a dating service for mermaids and mermen?
The tax accountants got together every year after the tax deadline and shared their successes and congratulated one another.
It was a mutual depreciation society.
The witches from Macbeth would have made terrible baseball umpires because they thought that fair is foul and foul is fair.
Where do you find lots of black sheep?
In Lower California.
You've heard of baja baja black sheep.
Praying to Baggus, the god of lost luggage
What Virginia river is well-known as a pop singer?
What do you call a dog bought for jogging exercise?
When an Englishman meets a cup of tea in the street, how does he greet him?
What do you call a mechanized device for rowing a boat?
A row bot
Why should you never get into a taxi driven by a witch?
Because the fare is foul.
A mailman gave his girlfriend an engagement ring.
The next day he gave her another one.
She asked why.
He replied that the postman always rings twice.
Where do medical examiners shop?
The coroner store.
When a computer has one problem after another, what do you call that?
A son of a glitch
What did the pain say when treated with a muscle relaxant?
I got to get out of this joint.
What did the webmaster give the web page?
A birthday gif
Why was the Toyota afraid of dogs?
Because he heard that they are car-nivores
Why was the island dropped from a list of best destinations?
Because she had a bad latitude
Where did the convict go to live when he was released from prison?
In a string quartet, which instrument is traditionally played by a fish?
The bass fiddle.
What did the lady of little means do with her clothes when she lost 60 pounds?
She took them to church to be altared.
What kind of background music should you play on Christmas Eve?
What do they call Internet connectivity on an airplane?
What do you call a mythical bird who runs an employment agency?
Who was named middle eastern champion of latin american dance?
The cha of Iran
What is the perfect gift for an ex on the occasion of the breakup?
A piece of rope with a knot in the middle --
a forget me knot
What do you call schooling designed for children of wealthy families?
Why was the prime minister of England upset when he went to a restaurant in New Guinea?
The menu included "prime rib".
A man who moved from the city to the country woke up and said, "It's a beautiful day -- not a crowd in the sky.
What is the name of a popular gossip column in the Land of Electrons?
Terms of en-deerment: fawn, doe, buck
Why did the Asian lady wear long skirts?
She was Shy Knees
Better read than dead, said the book
I'm on a roll, like a pad of butter.
What happened when Kafka jumped on a trampoline?
The Czech bounced.
How do you open a dorsh?
With a quiche.
What apartment did Hamlet live in?
What made people think Superman is very generous?
His large S.
Why do lumberjacks make good computer users?
They have lots of experience logging in and logging out.
In medieval Germany, before the legends of Santa Claus, there was a mythic character who every Christmas gave little girls necklaces.
He was known as Saint Necklace
What does a grouchy vegetarian say?
Bah hummus bug
Which cartoon character is famous for his weight loss diet?
Why was the bureau accepted at Yale?
Because it was a smart dresser
Which of King Solomon's spouses was in charge of Internet connectivity?
How do clocks celebrate their victories?
With ticker parades
When the prioress fell in love with the abbot, how did she address her letters to him?
Why did the grammarian go to the podiatrist?
He was afraid of getting comma-toes.
Twins from Warsaw became Artic explorers. They went in opposite directions. One became the North Pole and the other the South Pole.
What did the steak say when he went to bed at night?
Now I filet me down to sleep.
How do amoebas communicate?
Which grocery store chain do golfers prefer?
Louis XIV had a ne're-do-well son. To discipline him, Louis cut off his funds. Then Louis was surprised to find out that his son had started a successful business, catering to tourists --
Swim with the dauphin.
What's another word for miser?
A dough nut
What kind of car does a wealthy chef drive?
A guy needed to fix a vase. He asked a friend, "What should I use?"
He answered, "I don't have a glue."
The Deli Lama makes a great ham sandwich.
What did Lady MacBeth say when her puppy couldn't be house trained?
"Out! Out! Damned Spot!"
Why is a nautical mile a more accurate measure of distance than a land mile?
Because on land you can't sea where you're going.
What would you call a lunar retreat for religious fanatics?
What do you study if you want to become a midwife for dogs and cats?
Where do wealthy moths get buried?
Why did the fish take piano lessons?
He wanted to become a piano tuna
What kind of jewelry do angels wear?
A man who wanted to become both a lawyer and a pasty chef studied torts and tarts.
How do leftovers talk to one another in the refrigerator?
When the seas were stormy, what kind of wine did the captain want?
Any port in a storm.
When a dinghy goes berserk, how do you get it under control?
With a ding bat
What do pigs use when they have a cut?
What brand of chewing gum is popular in Ireland?
Dublin mint gum
What did the burglar's friends sing on his birthday?
"For he's a jolly good felon."
An age-old question could was resolved by Emily Post.
When serving dinner, egg always comes before chicken.
When Columbus sailed to America, he sailed in the Santa Maria.
When the Pope sailed to America, he sailed in the Ave Maria.
What is the science of measuring carbs?
What did the lizard want to be when he grew up?
A newt reporter
Where do the best Japanese comedians come from?
Who is the Korean messiah?
The Chosen One
What did Moses say to the Red Sea?
Parting is such sweet sorrow.
What's the favorite dance of armored vehicles?
When a submarine misbehaves, what do you call it?
Which animal is known for its drug addiction?
What do you call a chef who specializes in linguine?
When the head chef ran into difficulties, he always told his staff,
"There is no in-supper-able problem."
Did you hear about the American tourist who didn't want to exchange her dollars when she went to Europe?
She was afraid of getting a euro tract infection.
What's a good name for a business providing financial advice for the beef industry?
A guy just got back from a long trip.
"How was the flight?" asked his friend.
"The coach was fine, but the six horses made it a bit crowded."
What's the name of the cat who ruled China?
Meow tse tung
What did Chaucer say to a cleric on the way to Canterbury?
When one mistake leads to another, what do you call it?
Son of a glitch
Where do dogs sleep when they go camping?
In a pup tent
When a ghost opened a little shop on the corner, what did he call it?
The traveller's law --
Baggage expands to fill the space available.
What do you say when UPS arrives at the door?
How now brown truck?
What do you call an electronic music gadget with three legs?
Pa Jong is an ancient boardgame that Chinese men play sitting on benches waiting for their wives who are shopping.
What's the title of the autobiography of a famous Italian gourmet?
Remembrance of Time Pasta
When the standup comedian delivered an outstanding performance, his bride gave him a standing ovulation.
A trappist monk flies through the air with the greatest of silence.
An example of when repetition isn't repetition.
The headline --
Mink stole mink stole
The middle-aged lady married a guy named Jack Young, so she could say that she married young.
How does Satan greet new arrivals?
A Moslem was upset that he could only connect to the Internet with wife five, when all he could have was four wives.
What do you call the fee a surrogate is paid?
Did you hear about the angle who spent his whole life in school and earned 90 degrees?
The cruise passenger's prayer:
The salad bar is my shepherd.
I shall not want,
And I shall not gain.
Why did the dieter buy fish?
He wanted to check his weight, and he had heard that fish have scales.
A mixing bowl had an opportunity to become part of a Cuisinart, but she declined because her daddy always told her, "Never a blender be."
As I get older, my memory is improving. Forty years ago I never could find my cellphone.
and Joseph New Year
You can never have a little real estate.
You always have a lot
What is a word meaning old fashioned wealth?
A blue flower that grows on volcanic islands should be called lava-nder.
How do desserts greet one another?
A holy roller preacher looked like he was seriously depressed.
A parishoner asked, "What's wrong?"
The preacher replied, "It's hard to believe."
Why did the Yankees hire an opera singer?
They heard he had perfect pitch.
What do you call a photograph of a cup of coffee?
A mug shot.
A man sitting in a restaurant was arrested as a peeping tom.
He was staring at the salad dressing.
What did the momma rope say to the daddy rope when he snored?
Quiet. You'll wake up the twines.
A nomadic alien found Earth by homing in on television signals. What were his first words when he landed?
Take me to your movies.
What role did dogs play in the automation of retail sales?
They invented the bark code
Ancient Scottish saying:
There's more than one way to skin a flint.
What is Alan Alda's favorite food?
What's the best place to buy used sea food?
A prawn shop.
What model of sports car does the president of McDonald's drive?
Why did the bull panic on Hannukah?
Because he was afraid of being gelded.
What business likes to hire owls?
What owl became a singing cowby movie star?
What do you call a corncob with only one kernel?
What does a unicorn ride?
Santa landed his sleigh in the desert in front of the sheikh's house. The sheih burst out in tears His wife asked, "What's wrong?"
He explained, "I prayed for rain, dear."
When a rabbit feels sorry for hmself, what does he sing?
Thump pity, thump thump
What did the first woman president say to her brassiere on the occasion of her winning the election?
I thank you for your support.
A marriage ceremony is like a baptism. That's why they call it a wetting.
What did the skunk pirate captain say?
Stink the ship.
Why did the daddy goat laugh when the mommy goat was in labor?
She was kidding.
Definition of snoring --
How do you encourage a whale to exercise?
What do you call a smartphone you are mad at?
A ding bat.
Slogan of a slave dealer -
All men are crated equal.
What was the name of the Buddhist nun who invented the automobile?
What was the name of her dog?
What is the name of one hand clapping?
When you are investigating bank fraud, who should you interrogate first?
What did Queen Gueneviere's rival say to her?
Share your love of Art.
Why as the mushroom a good date?
He was a fun guy.
How to praise a great chef:
Book ends taking shelf-defense lessons.
What do you call an ancient Chinese vase that makes a siren sound in case of theft?
What is the highest rank in the army of corn?
Among the Fates, the one who took care of the detials did the knitting. That's wehre we got the expression "knitty-gritty details."
It wasn't her fault.
She was born with a devious septum
What did Leonardo da Vinci say when he was hungry?
Polymath wants a cracker.
An struggling artist changed careers and became a paramedical
because he was good at drawing blood
Alternate title for "The Wind in the Willows" --
"The Toad Less Travelled"
Young women are not allowed to become talmudic scholars.
It is unseemly for a woman to seek biblic knowledge.
Gabriel returned to Heaven in a panic
after he saw ads for
angel cake and baked wings.
Cher got a job was a paralegal with a lawyer of averages.
It was an act of charity.
She worked pro Bono.
The comedian who got an award for his work after he died was honored
For whom the road tolls.
The epic story of the invention of EasyPass.
The IRS should hold audits in an auditorium,.
Like a colosseum, only with accountants instead of lions.
in keeping with "truth in intimidation" regulations
Drop a b from bible and you get bile.
That's the hidden meaning of 2 b or not 2 b
Where did the archaeologist couple meet?
On a carbon dating site.
The Iliad as Christmas story.
I sing the wreath of Achilles...
What do you say when someone dies in Venice?
What illness is unique to gentiles?
What is COBOL?
An ancient geek language.
The concord grape's ambition was to become the raisin d'etre.
His brother just wanted to be raisin' hell.
What do rich Italians say to their babies?
"Gucci Gucci goo."
When the American student travelled to Spain, he was confident that he'd never go hungry on the bus. In a pinch, he could always eat the emergency salad (salida de emergencia)
What's a good name for an elementary school mathematics tournament?
Battle of the Somme
When will that mathematics tournament be held?
What do dogs say to one another at the start of a meal? bone appetit
What does a Frenchman say when he knocks off someone's wig?
What is the polite thing to say when someone sneezes on you in Spain?
What was the theme song of the Cuban Revolution?
What do you call a bus travel nightmare?
A coach mar
What do you call a Spanish pig who is always asking why?
Por que Pig
What do cows and citizens of Barcelona have in common? They both speak cattle-an
What did Barbra Streisand say to Arnold Schwarzenegger when he won Mr. America?
A Chinaman who signed up for a table tennis tournament was outraged by the color of the balls. "I thought this was pink pong."
What did the Jewish lady say about the Protestant singer?
"He has an amazing goyce."
What do you call an Italian-Jewish resort for divorcees?
a spa gett
What do you call the recruiting period for Jewish fraternities and sororities?
What language do ropes speak?
Where in Paris can you buy underwear made out of bread?
The Boule lingerie
Name an Argentinian communist comedian.
What's the favorite line-dancing music in Israeli bars?
Have a tequila
In France, an old lady with a job as a court recorder is known as a "noter dame".
What French Painter loved the colors red and black?
Janitor's philosophy --
Je pense donc je sweep.
To a Frenchman, what is the most naive drink?
As in naivete
In France, when a builder of highways has regrets, he rues the day.
In Paris, what do you call a sudden craving for bread?
A pain-ic attack
A French woman hugs her husband and whispers"
"Homme, sweet homme."
In August almost nothing is or sale in Paris.
It's all solde.
What is the sexiest town on the Rhone River?
What do you call the United Nations organization for the protection of snails?
What do you call a young French beggar?
I'd rather carpe deam than carpe diem --
Grab the goddess.
How do shell fish congratulate each other?
When Benedict Arnold retired, he bacame a caterer in Paris --
A single lady in France is known as an homme-less person.
What's the name of the French artist who cut off his ear and ran to Tahiti?
What university in Germany is designed for overweight students?
Tubingen (too big 'un)
How should you congratulate a Jewish weight-lifting champion?
Target in France is pronounced "Tarjay".
In India, it is the Tarjmahal.
What do you call the mother of all cherries?
Why was Carl Jung happier than Sigmund Freud?
Because he knew that he would be Jung forever.
Join the beet generation.
the same old thing.
What is the theme song of the letter V?
I will follow U
What is the most generous letter?
You've often heard "thank q"
What letter is renowned for its archery?
He uses his L bow.
Which letters is an alcoholic?"
You've heard of wine-o"
What is the most romantic letter?
People often say "I love U".
On what day of the year are there only 25 letters in the alphabet?
Which letter is the boss of the alphabet?
You've heard of the Maitre D
Where does D live?
Beyond the C
The bizarre effects of the suffix "e" in English
Other bizarre word pairs:
price and prize
spice and spies
lice and lies
vice and vies
rice and rise
nose and noise
toes and toys
was and ways
What is the most courageous letter?
O, as in brave o, or bravo
What is the most optimistic letter?
K, as in K sera sera.
What's the meanest letter in the alphabet?
You've heard to cruel T.
Which number spends a lot of time in the hospital
He suffers from perpetual sixness.
Which number misbehaves more than any other number?
It's very naughty.
The number three had a longstanding problem with number five.
He could never get even.
Did you hear about the cute verb that was prepositioned an infinitive number of times?
As the infant said,
"Chacun a son goo-goo."
An elderly couple stood on the bridge of a cruise ship and started singing loudly "A, e, i, o, u." over and over again.
The captain asked, "What are you doing?"
"Renewing our vowels."
What do they call the volunteers at Las Vegas hospitals?
What do you call a brilliant beautiful woman?
PhD = pretty hot dame
What did the cartographer and his wife do after lunch?
They had an afternoon map.
When hypnotists fall in love what do they do for dates?
They go trancing
What do you call a loose-moralled dental assistant?
Another name for a boat show -- ship tease
Why did a husband give his wife rouge and eyeliner and lipstick for Christmas?
He was hoping for makeup sex.
Which came first, the chicken, the egg, or the teenage boy?
The teenage boy.
He was very horny
Which Paris church is the favorite of prostitutes?
A guy sees a beautiful lady at the buffet, rushes up and puts potato chips on her plate.
"What are you doing?" she asks.
"That's my way of saying I'd like to have a relation chip with you."
What would be a good title for a movie about Internet romance?
Love, Tweet Love
What dairy product is used as an aphrodisiac?
St Patrick's Day greeting:
I'm part Irish.
Keep kissing till you find the right part.\
Another St. Patrick's Day greeting:
May all your off-color jokes be green.
Are you looking for an older man?
I guarantee I'll get older.
I'll get older everyday,
Just for you.
That's true devotion.
What do you call a couple who just had sex for the first time?
What do you call a street-side matchmaker?
A meet-her maid.
Where are the best topless clubs in Italy?
When the grammarians married, they exchanged vowels
Someone tried to borrow a cough lozenge from a lady of the night.
She replied, "I don't give away my sucrets."
An Egyptian princess reaching puberty and growing sizable breasts wanted to show them off often. Her parents reprimanded her frequently, leading to her nickname --
Definition of a chastity belt.
What do you call it when a thief is caught by a waitress from Hooters?
What do you call a guy who has strong sexual needs?
She looks great in a little black dress, but she would look even better in a freudian slip.
Name for new resort on the Pacific coast of Mexico -- Puerto Viagra
"I'm looking for a one-life stand.
But you build a life one night at a time.
Are you free tonight?"
The monk who gave up celibacy for Lent.
What do you call a scientist who studies farts?
What do you call a hooker who is menstruating?
A period piece
What is the bible of grammarians?
The Comma Sutra.
How do members of Congress make appointments with escorts?
Through the Inappropriations Committee
What kind of bed do newly weds prefer?
When the chicken and the egg had sex, which came first?
What do you call a gentile gigolo?
A goy toy
What do you call the study of sex?
Why did the Buddhist go to a nudist camp?
She preferred her yogi bare
The minister at a gay wedding pronounced, "I join you in holy patrimony."
The would-be Casanova majored in cliterature.
By law pharoahs had to mate with their sisters.
When a friend asked Cleopatra how she felt about this practice, she replied, "He's very good inbred."
What do Moselms say to their girlfriends on February 14?
Will you be my veil-in-tine?
What do you call a successful prostitute?
A busy body
Why did the strip club owner buy a labrador retriever?
He wanted to offer lab dances.
Her vagina was a members only club.
What's the favorite treat of male cats?
What does the Declaration of Independence have in common with a sex manual?
The opening words are "When intercourse..."
Why did Eve invent the first diet?
She wanted to keep her girlish fig.
What do you call an afternoon breast feeding session?
What's another word for a porn magazine?
A Moslem was having sexual performance problems. So he went to his doctor and the doctor said, "Take four wives and call me in the morning."
What did the clam say to his girlfriend? Shell we chowder together?
What did the sex pervert order for an appetizer?
What happens when a young girl eats too many pies?
She becomes a tart.
Why did the elevator button have trouble forming romantic relationships?
He was pressed, depressed, and repressed.
What do you call the back side of a knee?
"the knee pit"
and a kiss there is call a "kneep"
What's the most romantic fragrance?
Why was the trumpet player nervous about his first date with a wonderful woman?
He was afraid he would blow it.
As they neared climax, the lady said, "You're a nice man."
He replied, "The nice man cometh."
What European bug is associated with love?
The Roman tick.
A bride who marries well is well groomed.
"Honey, can you call room service, please."
"No dear. We're on our honeymoon. What you need is groom service."
How did the Lone Ranger meet his wife?
They were rangers in the night.
I love being with you.
I love being in you.
Pornographers write with pen and kink.
When the stripper slithered out of her underwear, what did the holy roller in the audience chant?
How to make love:
mix two souls
stir by hand
melt with passion
season to taste
repeat as desired
What's a favorite song about cuddling?
What's the favorite love song of apes?
Gorill of my dreams.
Heartbreak is emotion sickness.
What does the baker say to his loving wife?
Would you like to jump my scones?
What do you call a sexy English person?
What should you call the short version of the Kama Sutra?
When the hula dancer caught the attenton of the entire crew goggling, what did the capain say?
loose hips sink ships
A poor Saudi Arabian proposed to his girl friend. She was delighted especially because he was so poor. That meant she knew she would be his sole mate.
Why did the lady dance with a computer in her hand?
She wanted to give her partner a laptop dance.
The fork fell in love with a knife in shining armor.
Toast to a hooker --
An older woman going on Match.com is going antique shopping.
When Joseph used a condom, what was the event called?
The immaculate contraception.
What do you call a stripper's cleavage?
What should a groom wear when getting married online?
A woman wakes up on Christmas morning and can't find her husband. She looks everywhere and calls everywhere. There's a big box under the Christmas tree from him to her. Finally, she opens it and her husband pops out.
"What the hell are you doing?" she asks.
"I'm living in the present, like you said."
What did the river want from the hooker?
a flow job
Profile of a zombie on Match.com -
I'm looking for someone with a good sense of horror.
They were well matched.
He went out for swimming to elarn the breast stroke.
And she went out for crew to become a cocks woman.
Ad for a Nevada "ranch" --
Where you can get the most bang for your buck.
A proverbial adverbial problem --
They hardly knew one another,
and he wanted to know her hardly.
Confuse Us say,
"He who is unfathful to his wife
begets what he deserves."
Definition of "tease shirt"
Tshirt with nipples cut out
When computer geeks want sex,
they have rebootie calls.
Prayer of old man taking Viagra with his communion wine
" I believe in the res-erection."
How can you tell men from women, sitting across the room from you, when they are wearing identical clothes and have identical hair cuts?
Men cross their legs with the top leg horizontal, (so as not to squeeze themselves in a delicate place).
Women sit with their knees together and their feet apart. Or if they cross their legs, the top leg hangs vertical and is tight to the other
If you like tea and strumpets,
you should go to Vegas.
Why did the old lady reject the handsome young man from Match?
He was an undertaker and she was afraid he just wanted her for her body.
What did the cornstalk say in his Match profile?
"I'm wise beyond my ears."
you win some,
you loathe some,
Headline for Match profile --
"Used life for sale."
The Declaration of Sexual Independence begins:
When intercourse of human events...
What should do you tell Donald Trump when he's going to bed at night?
What misunderstanding led to Trump's disbelief in global warming?
He thought the scientists said it would lead to climax change.
Coded message meaning that Donald Trump has arrived:
The ego has landed.
Why didn't Trump dare to go to Georgia?
He was afraid of being impeached.
Why would Trump make a bad general?
He loves to retweet.
Why did Donald Trump hire a veterinarian?
He had to pick a cabinet and needed to vet them.
Rumor has it that Trump hasn't
stood up in weeks.
Apparently, Giuliani assured him that Mueller can't indict a sitting president.
Title for a love story about Trump and Stormy Daniels -
Terms of Impeachment
Trump is very religious.
When he sees a tall blond, he drops to his knees and prays: "Now I lay you..."
Trump never joined the priesthood because he preferred to be a lay man.
Change in US foreign policy from Obama to Trump:
From rapprochement to reproachment
You don't need to be above reproach
if you are above the law.
No wonder the country's moral compass is off.
The real estate magnet is screwing it up.
While McCain lies in state,
Trump lies in Twitter
Nursery rhyme for the children in the White House -
Sing a song of sick Pence
a docket that is nigh
four and twenty naughty boys
baked in a lie.
When Trump finally resigns,
the nation will be on Pence and needles
The Rump is our sitting president.
No one can stand him.
Trump at the UN--
the world stooge
on the world stage
I imagine a cartoon with Trump in the witness stand,
refusing to answer questions and saying ,
"I plead the 25th Amendment."
The world contract bridge association changed its rules so no would would have to say "Trump."
Now they say "treason" instead.
The lastest news from the Mars InSight --
The only feature on Earth big enough to be seen from Marsis Trump's ego. 22
Trump talking to his minions about Cohen --"Don't trust that guy. He has no loyalty. He would turn on a dime."
Wagner's prophetic opera -
The Fall of the House of Trump or Gutterdammerung
27When the report is finally made public it will known in history as The Mueller Retort.
Trump's prayer:Now I lie me down to sleep,