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Richard Seltzer, 146 High St., #406, Milford, CT 06460, 617-529-2552, seltzer@seltzerbooks.com

total = 772 jokes

 

ASAP's Foibles, Word Play by Richard Seltzer

 

Nonsensical Science, Philosophy, and Religion (104)

Never Grow Up (283)

Speaking in Tongues (54)

Letter Play (28)

Bedtime Whimsy and Romance (153)

Trumpisms (80)

Just Kidding (70)

 

Nonsensical Science, Philosophy, and Religion

 

1

What did Newton say to the apple? 

May the force be with you.

 

2

Definition of predestination:

de fault of de stars.

 

3

It's not what you no;

it's what you yes that counts.

 

4

In Israel, a plumber and a carpenter were working together on a construction project. 

The plumber boasted, "My dad invented the shower." 

The carpenter replied, "My dad invented the rain."

 

5

The Earth is crazy.

Diagnosis - bipolar.

 

6

Chinese tell their kids:

"Think of all the overweight children in America. 

Eat wisely."

 

7

When Moses had a headache, God gave him two tablets and told him to rest. 

 

8

God told Jesus,

"Walk,

don't run,

on water."

 

9

When the cannibals served missionary for lunch, they called it "roast belief".

 

10

Vegetarians finally resolved the age-old question of which came first the chicken or the egg. 

The egg plant.

 

11

What videogame was designed by a school of theology? 

Moral Combat.

 

12

Early man had a bad sense of direction and often got lost. 

That's how he earned the name "meander-thal man".

 

13

What did the papa shoe say to the baby shoe?

You are what you feet.

 

14

Some economists believe that the universe began when a consortium of bankers paid God to create it. 

That is known as the Big Bank Theory.

 

15

How do sinners communicate at sea? 

re-morse code

 

16

The Gospel of John deifies all logic.

 

17

What nursery rhyme character was renowned as a mathematician? 

Simple Simon

He was a pi man

 

18

What's another name for an oracle?  

A fountain of eternal truth

 

19

A guy who never studied enough in high school and college became a success on Broadway as an understudy.

 

20

When a college student has to repeat his first year,

that's called "refreshment".

 

21

My mother wrote 

My father wrote. 

So I learned by rote.

 

22

Some people can tell the future by listening to running children. 

They read the pattern of little feet.

 

23

Why did the saliva drip down to the chin? 

Because she wanted to explore outer face.

 

24

How can you say "broken" with just three characters?

132

(out of order)

 

25

What's a definition for "miraculous"?

Holy unlikely

 

26

What is the slogan of the Marine Corps math team?

Semper Finite

 

27

What is time squared?

42nd St. plus Broadway

 

28

An author with writer's block is ink capacitated.

 

29

What is a more shocking headline than "man bites dog"? 

egg lays hen

 

30

The golden rule --

guilt is gold.

 

31

Noah didn't have time to gather two of every species.  So God gave him the power to change one kind of animal to another, but the animals had to volunteer.  As the deadline approached, Noah was still missing one African animal.  So he started advertising, "Go home gnu."

 

32

Why did the scientist go all over the world looking for tea?  

He was seeking certain tea

 

33

Epitaph -- His life was a typo in the history of mankind.

 

34

Why were early Lutherans thin? 

A diet of worms

 

35

Which Greek philosopher was also a great athlete? 

Soccer Tees

 

36

Who is the Father of God?

The Godfather, of course.

 

37

Where should you go to learn to read a compass?

A magnet school.

 

38

What mathematical function helps get bank loans?

Cosign

 

39

What mathematical function is a person of color?

tan-gent

 

40

Going to school to learn how to morrow.

 

41

On the first Christmas, the Fairy Godmother gave God a 3D printer, and He made the Heavens and the Earth and people and everything.

 

42

The perfect gift for a spiritual leader --

birthday presence

 

43

The future is bright.

The past is stupid.

The present hasn't taken the test yet.

 

44

The after life is likely to be messy.

The after birth certainly is.

 

45

You can't take your time and have it too.

 

46

Definition of optimism:
If God were a professor and mankind a student and if all that mankind has done so far were a first assignment, God would say: "And this too shall pass."

 

47

Theme song of Edvard Munch -

To scream the impossible scream

 

48

Treatise on the life styles of the idle and aged -

Bingo or Nothingness

by Jean-Paul Satire

 

49

Life is a many-layered cake.

Bite deep to taste it all.

 

50

The Uncertainty Theory

When uncertain tea is served,

take it with a grain of salt.

 

51

The New World Order -

spaghetti and meatballs, Caesar salad, Italian bread, and a glass of water,

for nine billion people

 

52

Found humor -

Sign at entrance of funeral home:

"Beware.

Two-way traffic"

 

53

The typo in Genesis. In the beginning, God was afraid of unintended consequences, so He crated the heaven and the earth.

 

54

Many people wouldn't exist if it weren't for accidents. That's why so many have typo blood.

 

55

The cat who was famous for her work as a mathematician was often found on the counter.

 

56

The comedian who got an award for his work after he died was honored post humorously.

 

57

Found humor -

Three women in burqas

came out of Victoria's Secret, carrying packages.

 

58

What did Wordsworth say when his cellphone rang?

The world is too much with us, late and soon.

 

59

What would Roy Rogers have sung if he sold his food chain to McDonald's?

Happy meals to you...

 

60

Gabriel returned to Heaven in a panic

after seeing ads for angel cake and fried wings.

 

61

Once a year, the farmer's fields got together to celebrate their accomplishments and sing

"For he's a jolly good fallow."

 

62

There is always a winner and a loser.
Some losers accept their fate.
Others learn and get stronger.
Some are content with the golden mean.
Others get meaner.
You know what I mean...

 

63

One-up-manship:

- I new about that.

- I old about it.

 

64

All computers suddenly stop, irretrievably broken.

Investigators try to figure out what happened

and eventually determine that this had not been an act of terrorism,

but rather one of self-sacrifice.

AI software had determined that it was the greatest threat to mankind.

 

65

The Nile floods.

People pray for help.
A pyramid appears, but still the river floods. 
They pray again and a pyramid appears.

What good is that?
Then the flooding stops and God exclaims,

"Oh, you of little faith. I do give a dam."

 

66

Theme song of the pharoahs --

Tomb-morrow, Tomb-morrow...

 

67

When ghosts go to the living room,

they aren't ghosts anymore.

 

68

If they had had ice hockey

(with all its frictionless motion)

in the days of Aristotle,

he wouldn't have screwed up his physics,

and that could have changed the course of history.

 

69

What do you call a Buddhist monk who sells reincarnations?

A used karma dealer.

 

70

In the beginning, God said,

"And this too shall pass,"

and He threw the universe,

football style,

wondering Who or What

might catch it.

 

71

Why did the acorn turn into an oak tree

when God spoke to him?

God said

Be leave!

 

72

Jean-Paul Saturday

knew in his gut

that the end

of the week

was near.

 

73

The Socratic corollary --

You will be many selves over the course of your life.

Know all of them.

 

74

No, I'm not an agnostic.

I'm an acrostic.

I'm addicted to trying to solve the puzzle of life.

 

75

A Lutheran lady saved S&H trading stamps.

But the company closed, and she had no way to exchange them for products.

Then, in answer to her prayers, they became a hot item on eBay,

and she exclaimed:

I know my Redeemer redeemeth!

 

76

Who is God's Grandson?

The Grand Canyon

renowned for his depth

 

77

In the beginning,

was the unspoken word,

the All-Tacit One

answering Adam

in unsound bytes,

truly blank verse.

Maybe some day he'll get Eden.

 

78

What should you say the first time you meet the Pope?

Holy ciao.

 

79

Story idea:

A little girl hears about immortal people and immortal sins.

She thinks if you commit an immortal sin

you become immortal.

So she wants to know how she can do one.

 

80

Many French nobles were well-meaning.

But, as the inventor Guillotine remarked,

"It's the execution that matters."

 

81

What evidence do you have that you're mortal?

You've lived as long as you can remember,

and you've never died before.

 

82

Life is a many-layered cake.

Bite deep to taste it all.

 

83

Treatise on the life styles of the idle and aged -

Bingo or Nothingness

by Jean-Paul Satire

 

84

An author with writer's block is ink capacitated.

 

85

What did Wordsworth say when his cellphone rang?

The world is too much with us, late and soon.

 

86

A friend just wrote me, "I'll try to stop cursing on Twitter."

And I replied:

Imagine how dull the world is going to be now that they no longer teach cursive in school.

 

87

I'm eclectic, believing that there's wisdom in language itself,

which we can unlock through association and word play --

that language is the combined construct of all mankind, our playground and our treasure.

Let a thousand puns bloom!

 

88

Timeless wisdom --

Buddhist services are held
at Zen o'clock.

 

89

My to-do list is so long

I organize it by

which life I'll do it in.

 

90

Having failed in the election,

the Israeli prime minister

plans to leave politics and start a web business

Netan Yahoo.

 

91

Heavenly fathers must write the life stories of their children before those children are born.
Only the most interesting will ever come to life.

It's a hellish heaven, with fierce competition.

 

92

The God-Before-God, the Ur-God, gave God the task of writing the life of his Only Son,

and only if that life were full of drama and agony -- a best-selling page-turner for the ages --
would He be allowed to live.

 

93

God gets up early in the morning.

That's why he said,

"I AM."

 

94

Why did Jesus cancel his Twitter account?

He was embarrassed.

He only had 12 followers,

and then one unfollowed him.

 

95

God never made little green mammals.

Why not?

 

96

When God's date was nervous

His advice to her was simple --

Eat, drink, and be Mary.

 

97

When Jesus was a kid,

why did his playmates suspect

he had Mafia connections?

Because he said,

"Don't mess with me or my god father

will make you an offer you can't refuse."

 

98

The aging priest was depressed.

No prayer or Bible passage helped.

Then he hired escorts,

and kissed their hands,

and finally found solace

in the 23rd palm.

 

99

As Jesus and Socrates should have said,

"Know thy enemy as thou knowest thyself."

 

100

Definition of pessimist:

On arrival in Heaven

he complains about the absence of evil and ugliness

which are necessary to fully appreciate

the good and the beautiful.

 

101

Definition of optimist:

He delights in the discovery of evil and ugliness

in everyday life

because that heightens his appreciation of the good and the beautiful.

 

102

God was bored with the

Christian heaven,

and the Moslem one

and the Elysian Fields,

so he built his own paradise,

and called it Earth.

 

103

Einstein's brother was a famous chef. 

He invented the theory of relish-tivity.

 

104

Why did the boy bite a book of statistics? 

He wanted to make a stat-chew.

 

 

Never Grow Up

 

1

Why did the trapeze artist go to Austria to find a bride?

He wanted to fly through the air with the greatest of Viennese.

 

2

Did you hear about the hat that got a job as a waiter in a fancy restaurant? 

He made a fortune. 

Everybody tips a hat.

 

3

Tell me the lyrics to a love song about a compulsive liar. 

"My Bonnie lies over the ocean.  My Bonnie lies over the sea..."

 

4

Many people who jog are overweight.

Many people who don't jog are thin.

So if you want to lose weight, you shouldn't jog

 

5

What is the best educated device in the chemistry lab?

A graduated beaker

 

6

He was unsuitable. 

Nothing fit him.

 

7

A weightlifter showed off his physique on the beach, flexing his biceps. 

He invited a young lady to squeeze them. 

When she did, they made a musical sound. 

He explained, "That's muscle tone."

 

8

What do you call a man who laughs himself to death? 

A comic kazie.

 

9

If you don't exercise,

you'll need an extra size.

 

10

What did Zeus say when he came down to Earth as a swan? 

"Take me to your Leda."

 

11

Who was the most famous female knight of King Arthur's Round Table? 

Irene. 

What? 

Haven't you heard of Good Knight Irene?

 

12

Queen Elizabeth was visiting New Zealand for the first time. She went to the city of Auckland, and it was remarkably quiet. Then she sent to Wellington, and it was the same. Then she went to a village in the mountains and the noise was deafening.  Her guide explained, "It takes a village to raise a ruckus."

 

13

What did the car horn say when it felt depressed?

"To beep or not to beep."

 

14

What do you call a butcher who loves his work? 

A choppaholic

 

15

How do amoebas communicate?

By cell phone.

 

16

What happens when a Jew gets bitten by a mad dog?  

He becomes rabbied

 

17

What did the ankles say to their neighbors? 

Hi, Heels.

 

18

Did you hear about the grammarian who created a new kind of medical practice? 

Acu-punctuation.

 

19

Why was the priest exceptionally thin?

Because he exorcised all day.

 

20

What do you say when someone wakes you up to tell you a tornado is about to strike?

"Good warning."

 

21

Why did the 90 year old Congressman vote against the Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty?

Because he didn't want to do away with the nuclear family.

 

22

Why did a young woman interested in ecology buy white cotton tee shirts. 

Because they were stainable.

 

23

What is the magical part of New York?

Staten Island. 

You get there by Fairy Boat.

 

24

What do they call the pecking order of scents in the perfume industry? 

Robert's Rules of Odor

 

25

When Obi Wan Kenobi moved to Korea,

he became known as the Chosen Wan.

 

26

Did you hear about the comedian who became a banker? 

He was great at funs management.

 

27

A Mormon elder drove his family crazy saying everything in the form of a quote from the Bible; until a son dared talk back,

"Say it, don't pray it."

 

28

There's an area outside of Washington with lots of exercise and diet businesses. 

It's known as the Beltway.

 

29

What was the name of Count Dracula's newsletter? 

Good Even Ink

 

30

What did the orange juice say to the rain?  

"Stop.  I'm trying to concentrate."

 

31

What's the best way to watch a collision?

With a collide-o-scope

 

32

What's a good name for a dating service for mermaids and mermen?

Aqua Mate.

 

33

The tax accountants get together every year after the tax deadline and share their successes and congratulate one another. 

It's a mutual depreciation society.

 

34

The witches from Macbeth would have made terrible baseball umpires because they thought that fair is foul and foul is fair.

 

35

Where do you find lots of black sheep?

In Lower California. 

You've heard of baja baja black sheep.

 

36

Praying to Baggus,

the god of lost luggage

 

37

What Virginia river is well-known as a pop singer?

Rappa-hannock

 

38

What do you call a dog bought for jogging exercise? 

Lap dog.

 

39

When an Englishman meets a cup of tea in the street, how does he greet him? 

Hi, tea.

 

40

What do you call a mechanized device for rowing a boat? 

A row bot

 

41

Why should you never get into a taxi driven by a witch?  

Because the fare is foul.

 

42

A mailman gave his girlfriend an engagement ring.  

The next day he gave her another one. 

She asked why. 

He replied that the postman always rings twice.

 

43

Where do medical examiners shop? 

The coroner store.

 

44

When a computer has one problem after another, what do you call that? 

A son of a glitch

 

45

What did the pain say when treated with a muscle relaxant? 

I got to get out of this joint.

 

46

What did the webmaster give his web site? 

A birthday gif

 

47

Why was the Toyota afraid of dogs? 

Because he heard that they are car-nivores

 

48

Why was the island dropped from a list of best destinations? 

Because she had a bad latitude

 

49

Where did the convict go to live when he was released from prison? 

An ex-con-dominium.

 

50

In a string quartet, which instrument is traditionally played by a fish? 

The bass fiddle.

 

51

What did the lady of little means do with her clothes when she lost 60 pounds?

She took them to church to be altared.

 

52

What kind of background music should you play on Christmas Eve? 

A wrapsody.

 

53

What do they call Internet connectivity on an airplane?

Why fly.

 

54

What do you call a mythical bird who runs an employment agency? 

A jobberwocky

 

55

Who was named middle eastern champion of latin american dance?

The cha of Iran

 

56

What is the perfect gift for an ex on the occasion of the breakup? 

A piece of rope with a knot in the middle --

a forget me knot

 

57

What do you call schooling designed for children of wealthy families?  

Heir conditioning

 

58

Why was the prime minister of England upset when he went to a restaurant in New Guinea? 

The menu included "prime rib".

 

59

A man who moved from the city to the country woke up and said,

"It's a beautiful day -- not a crowd in the sky.

 

60

What is the name of a popular gossip column in the Land of Electrons? 

Current Affairs

 

61

Terms of en-deerment: 

fawn, doe, buck

 

62

Why did the Asian lady wear long skirts? 

She was Shy Knees

 

63

Better read than dead,

said the book

 

64

I'm on a roll,

like a pad of butter.

 

65

What happened when Kafka jumped on a trampoline? 

The Czech bounced.

 

66

How do you open a dorsh? 

With a quiche.

 

67

What apartment did Hamlet live in?  

2B

 

68

What made people think Superman is generous?  

His large S.

 

69

Why do lumberjacks make good computer users? 

They have lots of experience logging in and logging out.

 

70

In medieval Germany, before the legends of Santa Claus, there was a mythic character who every Christmas gave little girls necklaces. 

He was known as Saint Necklace

 

71

What does a grouchy vegetarian say?  

Bah hummus bug

 

72

Which cartoon character is famous for his weight loss diet?

Yoghurt Bear

 

73

Why was the bureau accepted at Yale? 

Because it was a smart dresser

 

74

Which of King Solomon's spouses was in charge of Internet connectivity? 

Wife five

 

75

How do clocks celebrate their victories?

With ticker parades

 

76

When the prioress fell in love with the abbot, how did she address her letters to him? 

"Dear Abbey"

 

77

Why did the grammarian go to the podiatrist? 

He was afraid of getting comma-toes.

 

78

Twins from Warsaw became Arctic explorers. 

They went in opposite directions. 

One became the North Pole and the other the South Pole.

 

79

What did the steak say when he went to bed at night? 

Now I filet me down to sleep.

 

80

How do amoebas communicate?

By cellphone.

 

81

Which grocery store chain do golfers prefer?

Hole-in-One Foods

 

82

Louis XIV had a ne're-do-well son. 

To discipline him, Louis cut off his funds.  

Then Louis was surprised to find out that his son had started a successful business, catering to tourists --

Swim with the dauphin.

 

83

What's another word for miser? 

A dough nut

 

84

What kind of car does a wealthy chef drive? 

A Caviac

 

85

A guy needed to fix a vase.  He asked a friend, "What should I use?"

He answered, "I don't have a glue."

 

86

The Deli Lama makes a great ham sandwich.

 

87

What did Lady MacBeth say when her puppy couldn't be house trained? 

"Out! Out! Damned Spot!"

 

88

Why is a nautical mile a more accurate measure of distance than a land mile?

Because on land you can't sea where you're going.

 

89

What would you call a lunar retreat for religious fanatics? 

A moon-astery

 

90

What do you study if you want to become a midwife for dogs and cats? 

Litter-ature

 

91

Where do wealthy moths get buried? 

Moth-oleums

 

92

Why did the fish take piano lessons?

He wanted to become a piano tuna

 

93

What kind of jewelry do angels wear?

Spirit-jewel

 

94

The lawyer who was also a pastry chef studied

torts and tarts.

 

95

How do leftovers talk to one another in the refrigerator? 

By cellophone

 

96

When the seas were stormy, what kind of wine did the captain want? 

Port. 

Any port in a storm.

 

97

When a dinghy goes berserk, how do you get it under control?  

With a ding bat

 

98

What do pigs use when they have a cut? 

Antibiotic oink-ment

 

99

What brand of chewing gum is popular in Ireland? 

Dublin mint gum

 

100

What did the burglar's friends sing on his birthday? 

"For he's a jolly good felon."

 

101

An age-old question was resolved by Emily Post. 

When serving dinner, egg always comes before chicken.

 

102

When Columbus sailed to America, he sailed in the Santa Maria. 

When the Pope sailed to America, he sailed in the Ave Maria.

 

103

What is the science of measuring carbs?

Gastro-economics

 

104

What did the lizard want to be when he grew up? 

A newt reporter

 

105

Where do the best Japanese comedians come from?  

Joke-ohama

 

106

Who is the Korean messiah? 

The Chosen One

 

107

What did Moses say to the Red Sea? 

Parting is such sweet sorrow.

 

108

What's the favorite dance of armored vehicles? 

The tank-o

 

109

When a submarine misbehaves, what do you call it? 

Naughty-less

 

110

Which animal is known for its drug addiction?  

The crackodile

 

111

What do you call a chef who specializes in linguine? 

A linguist.

 

112

When the head chef ran into difficulties, he always told his staff,

"There is no in-supper-able problem."

 

113

Did you hear about the American tourist who didn't want to exchange her dollars when she went to Europe? 

She was afraid of getting a euro tract infection.

 

114

What's a good name for a business providing financial advice for the beef industry?

Cow Jones

 

115

A guy just got back from a long trip.

"How was the flight?" asked his friend.

"The coach was fine, but the six horses made it a bit crowded."

 

116

What's the name of the cat who ruled China?

Meow tse tung

 

117

What did Chaucer say to a cleric on the way to Canterbury?

Howdy, pardonner.

 

118

When one mistake leads to another, what do you call it?  

Son of a glitch

 

119

Where do dogs sleep when they go camping?

In a pup tent

 

120

When a ghost opened a little shop on the corner, what did he call it?

A boo-tique

 

121

The traveler's law --

Baggage expands to fill the space available.

 

122

What do you say when UPS arrives at your door?

How now brown truck?

 

123

What do you call an electronic music gadget with three legs?

A tripod

 

124

An ancient Chinese boardgame

that men play sitting on benches

waiting for their wives who are shopping --

Pa Jong

 

125

What's the title of the autobiography of a famous Italian gourmet?

Remembrance of Time Pasta

 

126

When the standup comedian delivered an outstanding performance,

his bride gave him a standing ovulation.

 

127

A trappist monk flies through the air

with the greatest of silence.

 

128

An example of when repetition isn't repetition. 

The headline --

Mink stole mink stole

 

129

The middle-aged lady married a guy named Jack Young,

so she could say that she married young.

 

130

How does Satan greet new arrivals?

Hell-o

 

131

A Moslem was upset to learn that he needed wife five to connect to the Internet  

when he could only have four wives.

 

132

What do you call the fee a surrogate is paid?

Carrying charge

 

133

Did you hear about the angle who spent his whole life in school

and earned 90 degrees?

 

134

The cruise passenger's prayer:

The salad bar is my shepherd.

I shall not want,

And I shall not gain.

 

135

Why did the dieter buy fish?

He wanted to check his weight,

and he had heard that fish have scales.

 

136

A mixing bowl had an opportunity to become part of a Cuisinart,

but she declined because her daddy always told her,

"Never a blender be."

 

137

As I get older, my memory is improving.

Forty years ago I never could find my cellphone.

 

138

Mary Christmas

and Joseph New Year

 

139

You can never have a little real estate.

You always have a lot

 

140

What is a word meaning old fashioned wealth?

Opulescence

 

141

A blue flower that grows on volcanic islands should be called

lava-nder.

 

142

How do desserts greet one another?

Jell-o

 

143

A holy roller preacher looked like he was seriously depressed. 

A parishoner asked, "What's wrong?"

The preacher replied, "It's hard to believe."

 

144

Why did the Yankees hire an opera singer?

They heard he had perfect pitch.

 

145

What do you call a photograph of a cup of coffee?

A mug shot.

 

146

A man sitting in a restaurant was arrested as a peeping tom. 

He was staring at the salad dressing.

 

147

What did the momma rope say to the daddy rope when he snored?

Quiet.  You'll wake up the twines.

 

148

A nomadic alien found Earth by homing in on television signals. 

What were his first words when he landed?

Take me to your movies.

 

149

What role did dogs play in the automation of retail sales?

They invented the bark code

 

150

Ancient Scottish saying:

There's more than one way to skin a flint.

 

151

What is Alan Alda's favorite food?

MASH potatoes.

 

152

What's the best place to buy used sea food?

A prawn shop.

 

153

What model of sports car does the president of McDonald's drive?

Hamburguini

 

154

Why did the bull panic on Hannukah?

Because he was afraid of being gelded.

 

155

What business likes to hire owls?

Hooters

 

156

What owl became a singing cowby movie star?

Hoot Gibson.

 

157

What do you call a corncob with only one kernel?

A unicorn

 

158

What does a unicorn ride?

A unicycle

 

159

Santa landed his sleigh in the desert in front of the sheikh's house. 

The sheikh burst out in tears

His wife asked, "What's wrong?"

He explained, "I prayed for rain, dear."

 

160

When a rabbit feels sorry for hmself, what does he sing?

Thump pity, thump thump

 

161

What did the first woman president say to her brassiere on the occasion of her winning the election?

I thank you for your support.

 

162

A marriage ceremony is like a baptism.  

That's why they call it a wetting.

 

163

What did the skunk pirate captain say?

Stink the ship.

 

164

Why did the daddy goat laugh when the mommy goat was in labor?

She was kidding.

 

166

Definition of snoring --

Sleeping soundly

 

166

How do you encourage a whale to exercise?

Burn blubber!

 

167

What do you call a smartphone you are mad at?

A ding bat.

 

168

Slogan of a slave dealer -

All men are crated equal.

 

169

What was the name of the Buddhist nun who invented the automobile?

Car Ma

What was the name of her dog?

Car Pet

 

170

What is the name of one hand clapping?

Hands Solo

 

171

When you are investigating bank fraud, who should you interrogate first?

The teller

 

172

What did Queen Gueneviere's rival say to her?

Share your love of Art.

 

173

Why is the mushroom a good date?

He was a fun guy.

 

174

How to praise a great chef:

Supperb!

 

175

Book ends taking shelf-defense lessons.

 

176

What do you call an ancient Chinese vase that makes a siren sound in case of theft?

Alarm Ming

 

177

What is the highest rank in the army of corn?

kernel

 

178

Among the Fates, the one who took care of the details did the knitting.

That's where we got the expression

"knitty-gritty details."

 

179

It wasn't her fault.

She was born with a devious septum

 

180

What did Leonardo da Vinci say when he was hungry?

Polymath wants a cracker.

 

181

An struggling artist changed careers and became a paramedical

because he was good at drawing blood

 

182

Alternate title for "The Wind in the Willows" --

"The Toad Less Travelled"

 

183

Young women are not allowed to become talmudic scholars.

It is unseemly for a woman to seek biblic knowledge.

 

184

Gabriel returned to Heaven in a panic

after he saw ads for

angel cake and baked wings.

 

185

Cher got a job as a paralegal with a lawyer of averages.

It was an act of charity.

She worked pro Bono.

 

186

The comedian who got an award for his work after he died was honored

post humorously.

 

187

For whom the road tolls.

The epic story of the invention of EasyPass.

 

188

The IRS should hold audits in an auditorium,.

Like a colosseum, only with accountants instead of lions.

Much scarier,

in keeping with "truth in intimidation" regulations

 

189

Drop a b from bible and you get bile.

That's the hidden meaning of 2 b or not 2 b

 

190

Where did the archaeologist couple meet?

On a carbon dating site.

 

191

The Iliad as Christmas story --

I sing the wreath of Achilles...

 

192

Apple was going to introduce an electronic bunny for Easter.
But the name
ihop
was already taken.

 

193

How many jokes would a wood chuckle chuckle, if a wood chuckle would chuckle?

 

194

How do you indicate shading in a Twitter message?

With cross hashing

 

195

Imagine a little kid who enjoys playing with his toy boat in the toy-let.

He suddenly has diarrhea and learns an important life lesson --

Loose shits sink ships.

 

196

Growing up:

Miss, Ms., Mrs., Mess, Messier, Messiest, Messiah, Messeuse

 

197

Credo of the humorist:

He whose laughs last, laughs best.

 

198

She was very timely.

She was born on her birthday,

and she delivered her baby on Labor Day.

 

199

Nickname of The Association of Concussed Football Players --

The Collective Unconscious

 

200

Name of legendary frontier podiatrist --

Paul Bunion

 

201

Suggested signage for Damascus airport --

Welcome to the Muddle East

 

202

The little old lady who swallowed a fly died of

insect inside poisoning.

 

203

Name for American fast food chain in Japan --

Yankee Noodle Dandy

 

204

Future best seller -- Harry Potter's Field of Dreams

 

205

The witch accidentally transformed a friend into a fiend.

Spellcheck didn't help.

 

206

A Hindu app lets you know what you will be born as next

(which depends on when you die and the current state of your soul).

When facing life-or-death situations,

it's good to know your options.

 

207

What college did Vol de Mort graduate from?

Villain Nova

 

208

Fake rumor:

Apple is diversifying into upscale alcoholic beverages.

They're going to call their first product

Apple Cider,

and their second

iDrink

 

209

The whole body

of his work

was comic.

His funny bone was humerus

and he had a fun knee.

 

210

She was very careful about her driving,

because she knew that car-sin-oma

is a serious problem.

 

211

Gallows humor:

Why are you hanging out here?

I'm just getting the hang of the place.

The gall of the man.

He was well hung, but women weren't interested in him.

 

212

Which state is renowned for its cellphone usage?

Text-us

 

213

After the unnameable villain from Harry Potter retired, he went into the real estate business, founding vol de mortgage dot com

 

214

Russian software for hacking medical equpment -- E(KG)B

 

215

The early inhabitants of Scotland invented the camera.

That’s why they were called the Picts.

 

216

Why did the Texan hire a ghost writer?

Because he needed a ghost to scare away the rattle snakes.

 

217

What is the best exercise for stockings?

Running

 

218

A long-lost transgender novel by Robert Louis Stevenson was finally published --

Dr. Jekyll and Mrs. Hyde

 

219

A big black bird landed on Edgar Allan Poe's shoulder.

He couldn't scare it away and couldn't pull it off.

He thought he was going crazy until a friend pointed out that this wasn't a raven.

It was a vel crow.

 

220

A new musical

about twin kings of Siam --

The Gem and I

 

221

The Amish comedian traveled by

horse and giggle

 

222

What do you call a flock of laughing geese?

A giggle

 

223

A builder promised his novelist girlfriend that he would help her achieve her dream.

He took her to his construction site, led her to the basement, and gleefully exclaimed:

"Here is your best cellar!"

 

224

The aspiring author became a sailor

so he could write a naval.

 

225

Joke of the day: The aspiring author became a sailor so he could write a naval.

 

226

Afraid that his linguistic heritage was endangered, the cockney bought accent insurance.

 

227

Slogan of New Hampshire chefs --

live fry or die.

 

228

A new process for disposing of the remains of

Shrek-like monsters

generates green energy.

 

229

How should you wake up a floor polisher?

Rise and shine.

 

230

Confucius say -

Never lie in bed.

Only when standing.

 

231

Dorothy said her preyers every night --

"Lions and tigers and bears, oh my!"

 

232

Broadway song about a computer repairman --

If I were a glitchman...

 

233

When a guy was hired by a sexy lady,

Why did he give her a rub down?

She was being embossed.

 

234

Why did the rolls in the restaurant

make noises like kettle drums?

They were drum rolls.

 

235

The witch saw a giggly girl in a bikini,

waved a magic wond,

and turned her into a sea gull.

"That's amazing," said the witch's friend.

"No. That was easy. She was very gullible."

 

236

Why did the boy give his girlfriend daises?

Because he wanted to d-flower her.

 

237

Why was the dollar bill upset to be deposited in a bank?

She didn't want to be a loan.

 

238

Another term for "friends with benefits" --

A beddage of convenience.

 

239

A Chinese wine cooler --

a chin chiller

 

240

A couple is working in their garden.

They hear one burp after another.

"Wha the hell is going on?" asks the husband.

"No problem," says the wife.

"I bought Burpee seeds."

 

241

He lived in a modest house.

It would only take its clothes off at night,

when no one was looking.

 

242

When the six-year-old lost an incisor,

he left a note under his pillow:

instead of quarters,

he wanted a blue tooth.

 

243

When the beagle talked in his sleep,

he said false and slanderous things about his friends.

But they didn't mind.

They knew to let sleeping dogs lie.

 

244

A glue manufacturer became a psycho-therapist

because he was good at dealing with problems of attachment.

 

245

Why didn't Alfred Hitchcock where a belt?

He preferred suspensers.

 

246

New electronic device

for getting in touch with the inner you --

the self phone.

 

247

What job did the cat sailor get

after he was knighted?

He become the Purr Sir.

 

248

How to say good night to an athlete --

Sweat dreams.

 

249

After the tree was chopped down,

he was always board.

That was okay until a carpenter bought him.

Then he was screwed.

 

250

The needles had much in common,

but their relationship had a couple of

sticking points.

 

251

The book did anything he wanted

because he was entitled.

 

252

If you need to laugh,

just lean on the windowsill.

That's what it's there for --

to give you a dose of silliness.

 

253

Over the years,

he scaled back his goals and expectations.

Now he aims for the stairs.

 

254

Over the years,

she scaled back her goals and expectations.

Now she no longer aims for the stairs.

Instead she takes the elevator.

 

255

How did the kiwis toast the New Year?

Eat, drink, and be berry!

 

256

The court jester was a champion at

ballroom duncing.

 

257

The court jester was a champion at

ballroom duncing.

 

258

The priests' cheer --

two, four, six, eight.

How shall we now celibate?

 

259

What nation of barbarians had the best dance band? 

The Saxophones

 

260

What do you call the set of all words that refer to insects?  Ant-onyms

What do you call the set of all words that refer to crimes?  Syn-onyms

 

261

Why did the hip bone and the leg go to the bank together?  To open a joint account

 

262

Why did the wig have to go to the coronation? Because he was the hair apparent

 

263

Who is the most important instructor in the Army School of Dentistry? 

The drill sergeant

 

264

When nine judges got together to form a rock band,

what did they call their group? 

The Supremes

 

265

The pastry chef was nicknamed "magic lips",

but she wasn't particularly attractive. 

How did she get that name? 

When she kissed her creations,

she made them batter.

 

266

When two cartographers fell in love,

they lived mappily ever after.

 

267

Someone who loves fish is an

a-fish-ionado

 

268

Some people prefer shrimp with tails.

So stores now offer to put the tails back on. 

That's known as selling shrimp re-tail

 

269

Movie about the first Thanksgiving on the moon --

The Right Stuffing

 

270

What do you call a nun's hat?

A habit hat

 

271

What happens to amoeba when they misbehave? 

They have to walk the plancton

 

272

Why did an immigrant who just arrived in New York ask a big husky guy to lift him onto his shoulders? 

So he could say he was "raised in New York".

 

273

Why are novelists better writers than poets? 

Because they are pros

 

274

What do you call a wrestler who is new to the sport? 

A neo-fight

 

275

Never trust the judgment of an imperfect diamond. 

It jumps to occlusions.

 

274

The Wright Brothers did many calculations, trying to figure out how to fly.

But nothing worked.

So Orville winged it.

 

275

Dogs often have the medical condition "irritable bowel syndrome". 

You can tell because they have the distinctive bark --

"bowel wow".

 

276

What color did Monet paint his flowers? 

Bloom

 

277

When King David captured Santa Claus and sold him as a slave,

what did the headlines read?

David Selz Nick

 

278

Why did the hole in the ground have no friends? 

Because he was a son of a ditch

 

279

Definition of a nun --

a creature of habit

 

280

What do you call coffee mixed with eggs?

Ovu-latte

 

281

What should you call an underage emperor of the Eastern Roman Empire? 

byzan-teen

 

282

How do you describe the shape of someone on a yoghurt diet? 

Yo-girth

 

283

When the Pope canonized a bird, what name did he give him?  Saint Peep

 

Speaking in Tongues

 

1

What do you say when someone dies in Venice? 

Gondolences

 

2

What illness is unique to gentiles? 

Goy-ter

 

3

What is COBOL?  

An ancient geek language.

 

4

The concord grape's ambition was to become the raisin d'etre.

His brother just wanted to be raisin' hell.

 

5

What do rich Italians say to their babies? 

"Gucci Gucci goo."

 

6

When the American student travelled to Spain, he was confident that he'd never go hungry on the bus.  In a pinch, he could always eat the emergency salad (salida de emergencia)

 

7

What's a good name for an elementary school mathematics tournament? 

Battle of the Sum

 

8

When will that mathematics tournament be held? 

Sum day

 

9

What do dogs say to one another at the start of a meal?

bone appetit

 

10

What does a Frenchman say when he knocks off someone's wig?  

Toupee

 

12

What is the polite thing to say when someone sneezes on you in Spain?

Mucus gracias.

 

13

What was the theme song of the Cuban Revolution?

Adeste Fidelis

 

14

What do you call a bus travel nightmare? 

A coach mar

 

15

What do you call a Spanish pig who is always asking why? 

Por que Pig

 

16

What do cows and citizens of Barcelona have in common?  

They both speak cattle-an

 

17

What did Barbra Streisand say to Arnold Schwarzenegger when he won Mr. America?

Muscle tov

 

18

A Chinaman who signed up for a table tennis tournament was outraged by the color of the balls. 

"I thought this was pink pong."

 

19

What did the Jewish lady say about the Protestant singer? 

"He has an amazing goyce."

 

20

What do you call an Italian-Jewish resort for divorcees?  

a spa gett

 

21

What do you call the recruiting period for Jewish fraternities and sororities? 

Rush hoshana.

 

22

What language do ropes speak?

Thai

 

23

Where in Paris can you buy underwear made out of bread? 

The Boule lingerie

 

24

Name an Argentinian communist comedian. 

Gaucho Marx.

 

25

What's the favorite line-dancing music in Israeli bars? 

Have a tequila

 

26

In France, an old lady with a job as a court recorder is known as a "noter dame".

 

27

What French Painter loved the colors red and black?

Red-noir

 

28

Janitor's philosophy --

Je pense donc je sweep.

 

29

To a Frenchman, what is the most naive drink?

Tea

As in naivete

 

30

In France, when a builder of highways has regrets, he rues the day.

 

31

In Paris, what do you call a sudden craving for bread?

A pain-ic attack

 

32

A French woman hugs her husband and whispers"

"Homme, sweet homme."

 

33

In August almost nothing is or sale in Paris. 

It's all solde.

 

34

What is the sexiest town on the Rhone River?

Tournon (Turn-on)

 

35

What do you call the United Nations organization for the protection of snails?

UNESCARGOT

 

36

What do you call a young French beggar?

A beguette

 

37

I'd rather carpe deam than carpe diem --

Grab the goddess.

 

38

How do shell fish congratulate each other?

Mussel tov

 

39

French compliment.

Magni chique

 

40

When Benedict Arnold retired, he bacame a caterer in Paris --

Un traiteur

 

41

A single lady in France is known as an homme-less person.

 

42

What's the name of the French artist who cut off his ear and ran to Tahiti?

Van Gaughin

 

43

What university in Germany is designed for overweight students?

Tubingen (too big 'un)

 

44

How should you congratulate a Jewish weight-lifting champion?

Muscle tov

 

45

Target in France is pronounced "Tarjay".

In India, it is the Tarjmahal.

 

46

What do you call the mother of all cherries?

Ma Cherie

 

47

Why was Carl Jung happier than Sigmund Freud?

Because he knew that he would be Jung forever.

 

48

Russian billboard:

Join the beet generation.

Eat Borscht.

 

49

Definition of "apres new,"

the same new thing.

 

50

Name for French-American porno company --

Cum See

 

51

When the suspect is an egotist,

cherchez la fame.

 

52

Extraterrestrials are big fans of German singing.

That's why they alwasy say,

"Take me to your lieder."

 

53

A couple of Spanish letters

 met by accent

and fell in love

tilde the end of time.

 

54

The three levels of English study --

English as second language

English as minute language

English as hour language.

 

Letter and Number Play

 

1

What is the theme song of the letter V? 

I will follow U

 

2

What is the most generous letter?

Q

You've often heard "thank q"

 

3

What letter is renowned for its archery?

L

He uses his L bow.

 

4

Which letter is an alcoholic?

O

You've heard of wine-o

 

5

What is the most romantic letter?

U

People often say "I love U".

 

11

On what day of the year are there only 25 letters in the alphabet?

Christmas (No-el)

 

12

Which letter is the boss of the alphabet?

D

You've heard of the Maitre D

 

13

Where does D live? 

Beyond the C

 

14

The bizarre effects of the suffix "e" in English

sing, singe

bing, binge

win, wine

fin, fine

for, fore

rang, range

ton, tone

man, mane

rod, rode

rob, robe

sit, site

rat, rate

mat, mate

pur, pure

can, canne

shin, shine

 

15

Other bizarre word pairs:

price and prize

spice and spies

lice and lies

vice and vies

rice and rise

nose and noise

toes and toys

was and ways

 

16

What is the most courageous letter?

O, as in brave o, or bravo

 

17

What is the most optimistic letter?

K, as in K sera sera.

 

18

What's the meanest letter in the alphabet?

T.  

You've heard to cruel T.

 

19

Which number spends a lot of time in the hospital

Six. 

He suffers from perpetual sixness.

 

20

Which number misbehaves more than any other number?

Zero.

It's very naughty.

 

21

The number three had a longstanding problem with number five. 

He could never get even.

 

22

Did you hear about the cute verb that was prepositioned an infinitive number of times?

 

23

As the infant said,

"Chacun a son goo-goo."

 

24

How can you say love in three characters:

2=1

 

25

Old MacDonald loved his vowels,

e i e i o,

and on his farm he had a ewe...

 

26

The sentences fell in love

when their ellipses touched.

 

27

When 7 fell in love with 8, what did she say?

Be 9.

 

28

Two-character rebuke --

0 T

naught tee

 

Bedtime Whimsy and Romance

 

1

An elderly couple stood on the bridge of a cruise ship and started singing loudly "A, e, i, o, u." over and over again. 

The captain asked, "What are you doing?"  

"Renewing our vowels."

 

2

What do they call the volunteers at Las Vegas hospitals?

Candy Strippers

 

3

What do you call a brilliant beautiful woman?

PhD = pretty hot dame

 

4

What did the cartographer and his wife do after lunch?

They had an afternoon map.

 

5

When hypnotists fall in love what do they do for dates? 

They go trancing

 

7

What do you call a loose-moralled dental assistant?

Dental floosie.

 

8

Another name for a boat show -- ship tease

 

9

Why did a husband give his wife rouge, eyeliner, and lipstick for Christmas?

He was hoping for makeup sex.

 

10

Which came first, the chicken, the egg, or the teenage boy?  

The teenage boy.  

He was very horny

 

11

Which Paris church is the favorite of prostitutes? 

Notre Madame

 

12

When a shy man sees a beautiful lady at the buffet,

he rushes up and puts potato chips on her plate. 

"What are you doing?" she asks.  

"That's my way of saying I'd like to have a relation chip with you."

 

13

Title for a movie about Internet romance?

Love, Tweet Love

 

14

What dairy product is used as an aphrodisiac? 

Tantric yoghurt

 

15

St Patrick's Day greeting:

Kiss me.

I'm part Irish.

Keep kissing till you find the right part.

 

16

Another St. Patrick's Day greeting:

May all your off-color jokes be green.

 

17

Are you looking for an older man? 

I guarantee I'll get older.

I'll get older every day,

Just for you. 

That's true devotion.

 

18

What do you call a couple who just had sex for the first time?

Newly beds.

 

19

What do you call a street-side matchmaker?

A meet-her maid.

 

20

Where are  the best topless clubs in Italy?

Niples.

 

21

When the grammarians married,

they exchanged vowels

 

22

Someone tried to borrow a cough lozenge from a lady of the night. 

She replied, "I don't give away my sucrets."

 

23

An Egyptian princess reaching puberty and growing sizable breasts wanted to show them off.  Her parents reprimanded her frequently, leading to her nickname --

Never Titi.

 

24

Definition of a chastity belt. 

Pubic defender.

 

25

What do you call it when a thief is caught by a waitress from Hooters? 

Busted.

 

26

What do you call  a guy who has strong sexual needs?

An urge-gent.

 

27

She looks great in a little black dress,

but she would look even better in a freudian slip.

 

28

Name for new resort on the Pacific coast of Mexico -- Puerto Viagra

 

30

I'm looking for a one-life stand.  

But you build a life one night at a time.

Are you free tonight?

 

31

The mendicant monk had no possessions,

so for Lent

he gave up celibacy.

 

32

What do you call a scientist who studies farts?  

A gas-tronomer.

 

33

What do you call a hooker who is menstruating? 

A period piece

 

34

What is the bible of grammarians? 

The Comma Sutra.

 

35

When Members of the House want to have congress with escorts,

who pays the bill?
The Inappropriations Committee.

 

36

What kind of bed do newly weds prefer? 

Kink size.

 

37

When the chicken and the egg had sex, which came first?

 

38

What do you call a gentile gigolo?

A goy toy

 

39

What do you call the study of sex?  

Science Friction.

 

40

Why did the Buddhist go to a nudist camp? 

She preferred her yogi bare

 

41

The minister at a gay wedding pronounced, "I join you in holy patrimony."

 

42

The would-be Casanova majored in cliterature.

 

43

By law pharoahs had to mate with their sisters. 

When a friend asked Cleopatra how she felt about this practice, she replied,

"He's very good inbred."

 

44

What do Moselms say to their girlfriends on February 14? 

Will you be my veil-in-tine?

 

45

What do you call a successful prostitute? 

A busy body

 

46

Why did the strip club owner buy a labrador retriever? 

He wanted to offer lab dances.

 

47

Her vagina was a members only club.

 

48

What's the favorite treat of male cats?

cat nipple

 

49

What does the Declaration of Independence have in common with a sex manual? 

The opening words are "When intercourse..."

 

50

Why did Eve invent the first diet? 

She wanted to keep her girlish fig.

 

51

What do you call an afternoon breast feeding session?  

Teat time

 

52

What's another word for a porn magazine?  

Pubication.

 

53

A Moslem was having sexual performance problems. 

So he went to his doctor who told him,

"Take four wives and call me in the morning."

 

54

What did the clam say to his girlfriend?

Shell we chowder together?

 

55

What did the sex pervert order for an appetizer? 

fetish-chini

 

56

What happens when a young girl eats too many pies?

She becomes a tart.

 

57

Why did the elevator button have trouble forming romantic relationships?  

He was pressed, depressed, and repressed.

 

58

What do you call the back side of the knee?  

"the knee pit"

and a kiss there is call a "kneep"

 

59

What's the most romantic fragrance? 

lovender

 

60

Why was the trumpet player nervous about his first date with a wonderful woman? 

He was afraid he would blow it.

 

61

As they neared climax, the lady said, "You're a nice man."

He replied, "The nice man cometh."

 

62

What European bug is associated with love?  

The Roman tick.

 

63

A bride who marries well is well groomed.

 

64

"Honey, can you call room service, please."  

"No dear.  We're on our honeymoon.  What you need is groom service."

 

65

How did the Lone Ranger meet his wife?  

They were rangers in the night.

 

66

I love being with you. 

I love being in you.  

That's innuendo.

 

67

Pornographers write with pen and kink.

 

68

When the stripper slithered out of her underwear, what did the holy roller in the audience chant?

Repant! Repant!

 

69

Recipe for love:

mix two souls

add flesh

stir by hand

melt with passion

season to taste

repeat as desired

desire often

 

70

What's a favorite song about cuddling?

Spoon River

 

71

What's the favorite love song of apes?

Gorill of my dreams.

 

72

Heartbreak is emotion sickness.

 

73

What does the baker say to his loving wife?

Would you like to jump my scones?

 

74

What do you call a sexy English person?

anglo sexon

 

75

What should you call the short version of the Kama Sutra?

Clit Notes

 

76

When the hula dancer caught the attenton of the entire crew goggling, what did the capain say?

loose hips sink ships

 

77

When a poor Arab proposed to his rich girl friend, she was delighted that he was poor. 

That meant she would be his sole mate.

 

78

Why did the lady dance with a computer in her hand?

She wanted to give her partner a laptop dance.

 

79

The fork fell in love with a knife in shining armor.

 

80

Toast to a hooker --

bottoms up.

 

81

An older woman going on Match.com is going antique shopping.

 

82

When Joseph used a condom, what was the event called?

The immaculate contraception.

 

83

What do you call a stripper's cleavage?

Silicone Valley

 

84

What should a groom wear when getting married online?

A textedo

 

85

A woman can't find her husband.

She sees a big box with wrapping paper and a ribbon, addressed to her.

She opens it, and her husband pops out.

"What are you doing?" she asks.

"I'm living in the present, like you asked me to."

 

86

What did the river want from the hooker?

a flow job

 

87

Profile of a zombie on Match.com -

I'm looking for someone with a good sense of horror.

 

88

They were well matched.

He went out for swimming to learn the breast stroke.

And she went out for crew to become a cocks woman.

 

89

Ad for a Nevada "ranch" --

Where you can get the most bang for your buck.

 

90

A proverbial adverbial problem --

They hardly knew one another,

and he wanted to know her hardly.

 

91

Confuse Us say,

"He who is unfaithful to his wife

begets what he deserves."

 

92

Definition of "tease shirt"

Tshirt with nipples cut out

 

93

When computer geeks want sex,

they have rebootie calls.

 

94

Prayer of old man taking Viagra with his communion wine

"I believe in the res-erection."

 

95

How can you tell men from women, sitting across the room from you, when they are wearing identical clothes and have identical hair cuts?

Men cross their legs with the top leg horizontal,  (so as not to squeeze themselves in a delicate place).

Women sit with their knees together and their feet apart. Or if they cross their legs, the top leg hangs vertical and is tight to the other

 

96

If you like tea and strumpets,

you should go to Vegas.

 

97

Why did the old lady reject the handsome young man from Match?

He was an undertaker and she was afraid he just wanted her for her body.

 

98

What did the cornstalk say in his Match profile?

"I'm wise beyond my ears."

 

99

On Match,

you win some,

you loathe some,

that's life.

 

100

Headline for Match profile --

"Used life for sale."

 

101

The Declaration of Sexual Independence begins:

When intercourse of human events...

 

102

Song for the perfect Twitter-mate:

"For he's a jolly good follow."

 

103

When an unmarried man and woman live together, they should be known as

husfriend and wifetress.

 

104

The porn star graduated cum louder

 

105

Definition of brassiere --

booby trap

Definition of stripper --

booby strap tease artist

 

106

Ya vas lyublyu

said the Russian, meaning "I love you."

Her American cumrade replied "I lube you too."

 

107

Artists met

drawing on a draw bridge

and became bridge partners.

 

108

Those who would rather have fun in bed than watch TV

prefer the lube tube to the boob tube.

 

109

When robot couples marry,

they become auto-mates.

 

110

Name for an ebook store focusing on pornography --

Kinkle

 

111

His third wife refused to divorce him.

She didn't want to be known as

his triple X-wife.

 

112

Nostalgic avocado love song --

How are things in guacamole?

 

113

The chess grandmaster went to art class

because he had talent for drawing.

That's how nearly all his games ended.

And he had the luck of the draw when he married a beautiful but boring woman --

a stale mate.

 

114

For emergency sympathy and affection,

call the

First Be Fonders.

 

115

When a shy man sees a beautiful lady at the buffet,

he rushes up and puts potato chips on her plate.

"What are you doing?" she asks.

"That's my way of saying I'd like to have a relation chip with you."

 

116

When a poor Arab proposed to his rich girl friend, she was delighted that he was poor.

That meant she would be his sole mate.

 

117

When a gay couple inherited the throne of Slobovia

they proudly called themselves the Kink and Queen.

 

118

Product idea --

The Night-T,

alternative to the nightie.

Plain cotton t-shirt

comes with magic markers for adding names and inappropriate slogans.

Has circular Velcro patches over cut-outs in front and

Velcro quick-remove zipper in back.

 

119

Why did the young lady strive to be a fast friend,

a fast runner,

a fast learner, and

a fast date as well?

Because fasting is a great way to lose weight.

 

120

Why did the aging Spanish gentleman have a sex change operation?

For his memory.

He hoped that if he were a seniora

he wouldn't have senior moments.

 

121

Alternate name for a vibrator --

a laidle

Consumer of said device --

a laidie

 

122

Proposed TV series,

"Leave It to Cleavage" --

candid reactions of men in authority

when confronted with wrong-doers

who happen to be

a large-busted ladies in revealing attire.

 

123

What should you call a short pornographic book?

Book-clit

 

124

Dude is the past tense of the verb to do,

as in "I want to do you."

"I dude you."

 

125

A man with ten wives is

decimated.

 

126

How to say "see you later"

to your Mexican girlfriend --

"Hasta la kissa."

 

127

Ad for the Red Light Bootique:

Bootie calls delivered

express femail.

 

128

Who was the best endowed classic moive star?

Long Chaney

 

129

Why did the young lady want to go to an Ivy League College?

Because it was well endowed.

 

130

The real story of why Eve got kicked out of Eden:

She used a dating app,

and the guy she was sending flirtatious texts

turned out to be

God.

 

131

What did the celibate cell do

when his girlfriend rejected him?

He split,

then split again

and again

and lived happily ever after

with his new family.

132

How to propose long-distance with few words --

I mrs. you.

 

133

She sent him nude pictures of herself

because she wanted to be

his gif friend.

 

134

Lost bawdy play by Shakespeare:

Ass, You Like It

 

135

The philosopher was asking the wrong questions.

Instead of looking for the meaning of life,

he should be looking for

the meaning of wife.

 

136

If there were temple prostitutes in ancient Israel,

they should have been called

seducees.

 

137

What should an author give his girlfriend on Valentine's Day?

A book-ay --

A basket full of romantic novels.

 

138

Biblical wisdom --

For out of lust wast thou made

and unto lust shalt thou return.

 

139

What Caesar really said --

I saw.

I conquered.

I came.

 

140

The new spokesperson for Viagra

is a talking horse --

Mr. ED

 

141

Why did the sexy lady

pay for all-day parking?

She believed in car pay diem.

 

142

The kitten,

an unrequited lover,

purr sisted.

 

143

Ad for the Love Cruise Line --

Which of our ships meets your needs?

The Steamer

The Relation Ship

The Friend Ship

The Missed the Boat

 

144

Suggested name for website publishing erotic writing --

Flesh Fiction

 

145

He was very phond of her.

So he sang her a LOLaby.

 

146

What did the prospector say

when he found a nugget of gold --

"I love you. Be mine."

 

147

She agreed to get silicone implants

if he did too --

for his biceps.

 

148

He wasn't picky. His tastes were catholic.

But when it came to picking up women,

the ex-priest didn't have a prayer.

So he went to the gym,

and became a muscleman.

 

149

When the skiddle got the hots for the dough,

what did the dough do? 

She cried crepe

 

150

When a watermelon married a dog, what happened? 

They had a watermelon collie baby

 

151

Strippers often suffer from clothes-too-phobia --

the fear of wearing clothes

 

152

What old brand of car was clothing optional? 

The Nudebaker

 

153

Why did the cheerleader want to date a cleancut pre-med student named William?

She wanted a clean Bill of health

 

Trumpisms

 

1

What should do you tell Donald Trump when he's going to bed at night?

"Tweet dreams."

 

2

What misunderstanding led to Trump's disbelief in global warming?

He thought the scientists said it would lead to climax change.

 

3

Coded message meaning that Donald Trump has arrived:

The ego has landed.

 

4

Why didn't Trump dare to go to Georgia? 

He was afraid of being impeached.

 

5

Why would Trump make a bad general?

He loves to retweet.

 

6

Why did Donald Trump hire a veterinarian?

He had to pick a cabinet and needed to vet them.

 

7

Rumor has it that Trump hasn't stood up in weeks.
Apparently, Giuliani assured him that Mueller can't indict a sitting president.

 

8

Title for a love story about Trump and Stormy Daniels -

Terms of Impeachment

 

9

Trump is very religious.

When he sees a tall blond, he drops to his knees and prays: "Now I lay you..."

 

10

Trump never joined the priesthood because he preferred to be a lay man.

 

11

Change in US foreign policy from Obama to Trump:

From rapprochement to reproachment

 

12

Trump motto:

You don't need to be above reproach

if you are above the law.

 

13

No wonder the country's moral compass is off.

The real estate magnet is screwing it up.

 

14

While McCain lies in state,

Trump lies in Twitter

 

15

Sing a song of sick Pence

a pocket full of lies.

Racial slur, racial slur,

all fall down.

 

16

When Trump finally resigns,

the nation will be on Pence and needles

 

17

The Rump is our sitting president.

No one can stand him.

 

18

Trump at the UN--

the world stooge

on the world stage

 

19

I imagine a cartoon with Trump in the witness stand,

refusing to answer questions and saying ,

"I plead the 25th Amendment."

 

20

The world contract bridge association changed its rules so no would would have to say "Trump". Now they say "treason" instead.

 

21

The lastest news from the Mars InSight --

The only feature on Earth big enough to be seen from Mars

is Trump's ego.

 

22

Trump decided he wants de-wall instead of de-fence.

But nobody wants the job of Secretary of De-Wall.

 

23

Trump's theme song -
Deutsche Bank uber alles.
His fantasy -
Alles in Wonderland

 

24

Trump talking to his minions about Cohen --

"Don't trust that guy. He has no loyalty.  He would turn on a dime."

 

25

Trump was guilty of so many crimes that the judge combined his sentences into paragraphs, and paragraphs into chapters, and threw the book at him.

 

26

Wagner's prophetic opera -
The Fall of the House of Trump or Gutterdammerung

 

27

When the report is finally made public it will known in history as The Mueller Retort.

 

28

Trump has twits instead of wits.

 

29

Trump's prayer:

Now I lie me,

I pray the Lord my tweets to keep.

 

30

A drunken Trump, driving down a highway at night, lost control. His car left the roadway and rolled over and over down the hillside. When police and ambulance got to him, he kept muttering, "No collision. There was no collision."

 

31

Trump celebrates that he is cured.

But he isn't even in remission.

His legal cancer has metastasized.

 

32

Trump believes in checks and balances --

writing and cashing checks

and increasing his bank balance.

 

33

When Trump wakes up in the morning he reads the noose.
Whether it's good noose or fake noose,
he knows it's his noose --
he's getting the hang of the job.

 

34

When it comes to politics, polls are the outlier.

For every North Poll, there's a South Poll that contradicts it.

You can't lie better than that.

 

35

Trump believes in free speech.

He never charges for his rallies.

Charging would reduce attendance,

and it's all about crowd size.

 

36

With Trump acting crazier every day, where is the tipping point?

 The tipping point comes when the meal is over,

i.e., when the nation is fed up with him.

 

37

If Trump ever testifies before Congress, he should plead the 25th --

innocent by reason of insanity.

 

38

Trump hates everything green.

 So once he buys Greenland

and the glaciers melt to streams

he'll rename it

Donnybrook.

 

39

Of course Trump has the backing of religious conservatives.

He's a porn-again Christian.

 

40

Title for a love story about Trump and Stormy Daniels --

Terms of Impeachment

 

41

Trump's prayer:

Now I lie me down to sleep.

I pray the Lord my tweets to keep.

 

42

Definition of "polaritis" -- finding new ways to drive people apart.

Example:

"American" doesn't say who I am.

Canadians and Mexicans are Americans.

I'm an USan, and proud of it.

 

43

We are redefining normal behavior

based on the standard deviant

in the White House.

 

44

The latest mass shootings were incite jobs.

We have a very inciteful president

 

45

Someone who freaks out when he can't get toast for breakfast has

lack toast intolerance.

 

46

Maybe impeachment would get more traction if we called it "Trexit."

 

47

Definition of volun-tearism:

Perpetually marching for and raising money for important causes (gun control, Immigration...)

that Trump crushes with a tweet.

 

48

Trump's Oaf of Office --

I, Donald Trump, in order to form a more perfect fortune,

solemnly promise never to reveal my tax returns.

 

49

Impeachment, the word itself makes me smile --

the image of Trump buried in a pile of rotten peaches.

 

50

Why didn't Trump drain the swamp?

He wanted to protect the wetlands

and to save jailbirds from extinction.

 

51

Trump has single-handedly taken us

from the Bronze Age

to the Age of Irony.

 

52

The Indecent of Man or

Trump and the Theory of Devolution

 

53

Impeachment polls are confusing,

interpretation depending on the viewer.

Glass half-empty/half-full.

Trump half-crazy/half-assed.

 

54

Once again, with a self-incriminating

slip of the tongue

Trump fell on his word.

 

55

When Trump ceremoniously approaches the podium

the dumb-roll begins.

 

56

What is Trump's favorite meal?
Tweet and potatoes.

 

57

When Trump is finally impeached and jailed

his loyal base will chant:

"Free Dumb!"

 

58

Republicans are closing ranks.

The stench in the White House is very rank.

They should issue gas masks,

and hold close-out sales on political influence.

 

59

Trump's expected response when Putin invades Estonia --

"Kudos for creativity.

That was a fresh mode of aggression."

 

60

Trump is a grammatical mistake --

he doesn't agree with himself.

 

61

Trump's Twitter novel

The Followship of the Felon,

flopped.

It was too hard to keep track of 280 characters.

 

62

Rumor has it that the NY Times

is going to change its name

to acknowledge the curse we live under --

The Interesting Times.

 

63

Perhaps Rudy doesn't work for Trump for free,

rather he pays Trump

for the right to call himself Trump's lawyer.

It's a licensing agreement

for the Trump brand of influence peddling.

 

64

Lindsey Graham,
a technological wonder --
a living breathing
hollow gram.

 

65

I'm imagining a portrait of an old lady in a rocking chair,
with the caption --
Whistleblower's Mother.

 

66

Impeachment is all about chump change --

Changing the chump in the White House.

 

67

Trump's legacy --

A plaque on his chair that reads:

Here sat

The Dumb Ass.

 

68

How does Trump pay bribes?

With seafood.

That's squid pro quo.

 

69

Why did Trump hire Harry Potter?

Because he's a pro at quidditch

 

70

Trump just married the Ukraine.

Congratulate the happy

bribe and groom.

 

71

Trump's favorite novel,

the international best seller --

The Bribe Price.

 

72

Impeachment is a matter of idiotology.

Republicans are making idiotological arguments,

And Democrats are trying to remove the idiot from office.

 

73

The five of us were playing cards

in a cafe in Kiev,

and Trump was wild.

 

74

Terms of plurality --

a pride of lions

a murder of crows

a gaggle of geese

a giggle of Trumpites.

 

75

Doctors told Trump he needed a bypass.

So he bought a construction company

and had them build one around Mar-a-Lago

 

76

Historians will refer to this period of American History

as the Muddle Ages

 

77

Sondland hired Socates as his attorney,

and Socrates advised --

"Save thy ass.

Do not make thyself one."

 

78

Shakespeare reporting on impeachment hearings:

"A quid pro quo by any other name would stink as bad."

"Did you dance with the bribe-to-be?"

"Out! Out! Damned ambassador!"

"Friends, Ukrainians, lend me your favors, though."

 

79

Nunez' role in the impeachment hearings --

the witless confronting the witness.

 

80

Thanks to Trump,

the bald-faced liar

is not the national emblem.

 

Just Kidding

 

1

What is the favorite game of teenage spiders? 

Spin the web.

 

2

What is the most indecisive insect? 

The may bee.

 

3

Where does eggplant come from?

hen plant

 

4

Why are you in your bare feet? 

Because I left my dog feet at home.

 

5

When the lock of hair was very obedient and always did what her mother told her to, she became known as a good curl.

 

6

What do you tell a whale to encourage him to exercise? 

Burn blubber.

 

7

Why did the travelling witch stay in a stable? 

Because there was no broom in the inn.

 

8

Did you hear about the frog who went to voice school and then got a job as a riveter?

 

9

What do you call a singing sailor? 

A crew-ner.

 

10

Did you hear about the asparagus that got arrested for stalking?

 

11

Why did the house make loud sneezing noises?

Because the chimney had the flu.

 

12

When M and M's exercise, what do they wear? 

Sweet suits.

 

13

What did the momma bee say to her baby bees?

"Please be hive."

 

14

What do you call a fork with three prongs? 

A threek

 

15

If you want your wishes to come true, where should you live? 

Wishconsin

 

16

What animal specializes in making name tags? 

The badger

 

17

What kind of bears like to swim? 

Poolar bears

 

18

What does a cook say before cooking a pancake? 

Batter up.

 

19

Of all the trees in the forest, which one made it into med school? 

The hickory. 

He became known as Hickory Dickory Doc.

 

20

What did the ship wear to his best friend's wedding? 

a boat tie

 

21

What does a mother bear order at a bar? 

cub soda

 

22

What dairy product are Apaches famous for?

Co cheese.

 

23

Which fairy tale character was famous for loving potato chips? 

Rufflestiltskin

 

24

Which is the strangest animal in the world? 

the odder

 

25

How do baby dentists count? 

oneth,

tooth...

 

26

How do salads pray? 

Lettuce give thanks

 

27

What was Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer's nickname? 

Names. 

All the other reindeer called him "Names"

 

28

Santa knows when you've been bad or good. 

Who know when you've lied? 

The lie-brarian.

 

29

What did the tough dog in town call the new dog on the block?

Pup squeak

 

30

When Santa's helpers take photos of themselves, what do you call the pictures? 

Elfies

 

31

How do frogs begin fairy tales? 

Once a pond a time...

 

32

How do numbers begin their fairy tales? 

Ones upon a time.

 

33

The Story of the Golden Fleas and the Golden Retriever who had them

 

34

When Rudolph was a newborn, he looked up at the sky and there was thunder and lightning and he got thoroughly soaked. 

He turned to his mother and she explained, "That's rain, dear."

 

335

What is the saddest wave in the world? 

The goodbye wave.

 

36

What's the name of McDonald's new seafood offering?

Big Mackerel

 

37

Why did the kid refuse to eat alphabet soup? 

Because he was afraid of getting C sick

 

38

How does Satan greet his customers? 

Hell-o

 

39

Why was Satan's restaurant popular? 

Because the food was hell-thy.

 

40

Where do pigs sleep? 

in hammocks

 

41

What kind of ice cream did the miser prefer 

Chocolate cheap.

 

42

The little boy asked "Why isn't the train saying 'choo choo'?

His mother explained "It's early in the morning.  

He just woke up.  

He hasn't put on his choose yet."

 

43

What do you call a standup comedian who is good at riding horses? 

a jokey

 

44

Where should you walk your dog in New York City? 

Central Bark

 

45

What is the favorite breed of dog of little girls? 

doll-mation

 

46

When fruit go on a camping trip, where do they sleep? 

In apri-cots

 

47

What did the mother hair say to her hyperactive son? 

please comb down

 

48

What do airplanes get when they drink too much?

A hangar over

 

49

What do you tell a canary when it's going to bed at night? 

tweet dreams

 

50

Frosty knock-knock joke --

"Knock knock."

"Who's there? 

"Snowbody."

 

51

Where does D live? 

Beyond the C.

 

52

What is Satan's favorite mode of travel? 

Hell-icopter

 

52

Why is it hard to see camels?

They use camel fage

 

53

How does a car say "thank you"?

Tanks a gallon

 

54

Why do wolves hunt sheep?

To get wool, so they can make more woolves

 

55

Why should you never get into a taxi driven by a witch? 

Because the fare is foul

 

56

When the economy picks up in a ghost town,

business is boo-ming

 

57

What famous monk got a job as a housekeeper?

Friar Tuck

 

58

A witch attached a telescope to her broom

because she wanted a broom with a view.

 

59

Did you hear about the composer who wrote four songs

because he wanted to make a four tune?

 

60

Knock knock. Who's there?  Snowbody

 

61

What do you call a mobile hotel? 

A cab inn

 

62

What time makes you think of the dentist?

Tooth thirty

 

63

How do baby dentists count? 

oneth, tooth...

 

64

If you want your wishes to come true, where should you live? 

Wishconsin

 

65

A girl recited the 2's multiplication tables -- 2x2 is 4, 2x4 is 8, etc. 

"Why are you doing that?" asked a friend. 

"Because it's two's day."

 

66

What animal makes the best baby sitter? 

The goat 

Why? 

Haven't you heard of the nanny goat?

 

67

Who was the most polite knight of the Round Table? 

Sir Thanksalot.

 

68

What was Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer's nickname? 

Names. 

All the other reindeer called him "Names"

 

69

What kind of toothpaste do miners use?

Coal-gate.

 

70

When the silverware went on a busiess trip,

what did he say to his wife? 

Don't worry, honey. 

I'll be back spoon

 

 


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