Copyright (c) Richard Seltzer 2018, 2019, 2020
Richard Seltzer, 146 High St., #406, Milford, CT 06460, 617-529-2552, firstname.lastname@example.org
total = 1500 jokes
Nonsensical Science, Philosophy, and Religion (151)
Never Grow Up (591)
Speaking in Tongues (71)
Letter Play (33)
Bedtime Whimsy and Romance (338)
Just Kidding (97)
What did Newton say to the apple?
May the force be with you.
Definition of predestination:
de fault of de stars.
It's not what you no;
it's what you yes that counts.
In Israel, a plumber and a carpenter were working together on a construction project.
The plumber boasted, "My dad invented the shower."
The carpenter replied, "My dad invented the rain."
The Earth is crazy.
Diagnosis - bipolar.
Chinese tell their kids:
"Think of all the overweight children in America.
When Moses had a headache, God gave him two tablets and told him to rest.
God told Jesus,
When the cannibals served missionary for lunch, they called it "roast belief".
Vegetarians finally resolved the age-old question of which came first the chicken or the egg.
The egg plant.
What videogame was designed by a school of theology?
Early man had a bad sense of direction and often got lost.
That's how he earned the name "meander-thal man".
What did the papa shoe say to the baby shoe?
You are what you feet.
Some economists believe that the universe began when a consortium of bankers paid God to create it.
That is known as the Big Bank Theory.
How do sinners communicate at sea?
The Gospel of John deifies all logic.
What nursery rhyme character was renowned as a mathematician?
He was a pi man
What's another name for an oracle?
A fountain of eternal truth
A guy who never studied enough in high school and college
became a success on Broadway
as an understudy.
When a college student has to repeat his first year,
that's called "refreshment".
My mother wrote
My father wrote.
So I learned by rote.
Some people can tell the future by listening to running children.
They read the pattern of little feet.
Why did the saliva drip down to the chin?
Because she wanted to explore outer face.
How can you say "broken" with just three characters?
(out of order)
What's a definition for "miraculous"?
What is the slogan of the Marine Corps math team?
What is time squared?
42nd St. plus Broadway
An author with writer's block is ink capacitated.
What is a more shocking headline than "man bites dog"?
egg lays hen
The golden rule --
guilt is gold.
Noah didn't have time to gather two of every species. So God gave him the power to change one kind of animal to another, but the animals had to volunteer. As the deadline approached, Noah was still missing one African animal. So he started advertising, "Go home gnu."
Why did the scientist go all over the world looking for tea?
He was seeking certain tea.
Why were early Lutherans thin?
A diet of worms
Which Greek philosopher was also a great athlete?
Who is the Father of God?
The Godfather, of course.
Where should you go to learn to read a compass?
A magnet school.
What mathematical function helps get bank loans?
What mathematical function is a person of color?
Going to school to learn how to morrow.
On the first Christmas, the Fairy Godmother gave God a 3D printer, and He made the Heavens and the Earth and people and everything.
The perfect gift for a spiritual leader --
The future is bright.
The past is stupid.
The present hasn't taken the test yet.
The after life is likely to be messy.
The after birth certainly is.
You can't take your time and have it too.
Definition of optimism:
If God were a professor and mankind a student and if all that mankind has done so far were a first assignment, God would say: "And this too shall pass."
Theme song of Edvard Munch -
To scream the impossible scream
Treatise on the life styles of the idle and aged -
Bingo or Nothingness
by Jean-Paul Satire
Life is a many-layered cake.
Bite deep to taste it all.
The Uncertainty Theory
When uncertain tea is served,
take it with a grain of salt.
The New World Order -
spaghetti and meatballs, Caesar salad, Italian bread, and a glass of water,
for nine billion people
Found humor -
Sign at entrance of funeral home:
The typo in Genesis. In the beginning, God was afraid of unintended consequences, so He crated the heaven and the earth.
Many people wouldn't exist if it weren't for accidents. That's why so many have typo blood.
The cat who was famous for her work as a mathematician was often found on the counter.
The comedian who got an award for his work after he died was honored post humorously.
Found humor -
Three women in burqas
came out of Victoria's Secret, carrying packages.
What did Wordsworth say when his cellphone rang?
The world is too much with us, late and soon.
What would Roy Rogers have sung if he sold his food chain to McDonald's?
Happy meals to you...
Gabriel returned to Heaven in a panic
after seeing ads for angel cake and fried wings.
Once a year, the farmer's fields got together to celebrate their accomplishments and sing
"For he's a jolly good fallow."
There is always a winner and a loser.
Some losers accept their fate.
Others learn and get stronger.
Some are content with the golden mean.
Others get meaner.
You know what I mean...
- I new about that.
- I old about it.
All computers suddenly stop, irretrievably broken.
Investigators try to figure out what happened
and eventually determine that this had not been an act of terrorism,
but rather one of self-sacrifice.
AI software had determined that it was the greatest threat to mankind.
The Nile floods.
People pray for help.
A pyramid appears, but still the river floods.
They pray again and a pyramid appears.
What good is that?
Then the flooding stops and God exclaims,
"Oh, you of little faith. I do give a dam."
Theme song of the pharoahs --
When ghosts go to the living room,
they aren't ghosts anymore.
If they had had ice hockey
(with all its frictionless motion)
in the days of Aristotle,
he wouldn't have screwed up his physics,
and that could have changed the course of history.
What do you call a Buddhist monk who sells reincarnations?
A used karma dealer.
In the beginning, God said,
"And this too shall pass,"
and He threw the universe,
wondering Who or What
might catch it.
Why did the acorn turn into an oak tree
when God spoke to him?
knew in his gut
that the end
of the week
The Socratic corollary --
You will be many selves over the course of your life.
Know all of them.
No, I'm not an agnostic.
I'm an acrostic.
I'm addicted to trying to solve the puzzle of life.
A Lutheran lady saved S&H trading stamps.
But the company closed, and she had no way to exchange them for products.
Then, in answer to her prayers, they became a hot item on eBay,
and she exclaimed:
I know my Redeemer redeemeth!
Who is God's Grandson?
The Grand Canyon
renowned for his depth
In the beginning,
was the unspoken word,
the All-Tacit One
in unsound bytes,
truly blank verse.
Maybe some day he'll get Eden.
What should you say the first time you meet the Pope?
A little girl hears about immortal people and immortal sins.
She thinks if you commit an immortal sin
you become immortal.
So she wants to know how she can do one.
Many French nobles were well-meaning.
But, as the inventor Guillotine remarked,
"It's the execution that matters."
What evidence do you have that you're mortal?
You've lived as long as you can remember,
and you've never died before.
Life is a many-layered cake.
Bite deep to taste it all.
Treatise on the life styles of the idle and aged -
Bingo or Nothingness
by Jean-Paul Satire
An author with writer's block is ink capacitated.
A friend just wrote me, "I'll try to stop cursing on Twitter."
And I replied:
Imagine how dull the world is going to be now that they no longer teach cursive in school.
I'm eclectic, believing that there's wisdom in language itself,
which we can unlock through association and word play --
that language is the combined construct of all mankind, our playground and our treasure.
Let a thousand puns bloom!
Timeless wisdom --
Buddhist services are held
at Zen o'clock.
My to-do list is so long
I organize it by
which life I'll do it in.
Having failed in the election,
the Israeli prime minister
plans to leave politics and start a web business
Heavenly fathers must write the life stories of their
children before those children are born.
Only the most interesting will ever come to life.
It's a hellish heaven, with fierce competition.
The God-Before-God, the Ur-God,
gave God the task of writing the life of his Only Son,
and only if that life were full of drama and agony --
a best-selling page-turner for the ages --
would He be allowed to live.
God gets up early in the morning.
That's why he said,
Why did Jesus cancel his Twitter account?
He was embarrassed.
He only had 12 followers,
and then one unfollowed him.
God never made little green mammals.
When God's date was nervous
His advice to her was simple --
Eat, drink, and be Mary.
When Jesus was a kid,
why did his playmates suspect
he had Mafia connections?
Because he said,
"Don't mess with me or my god father
will make you an offer you can't refuse."
The aging priest was depressed.
No prayer or Bible passage helped.
Then he hired escorts,
and kissed their hands,
and finally found solace
in the 23rd palm.
As Jesus and Socrates should have said,
"Know thy enemy as thou knowest thyself."
Definition of pessimist:
On arrival in Heaven
he complains about the absence of evil and ugliness
which are necessary to fully appreciate
the good and the beautiful.
Definition of optimist:
He delights in the discovery of evil and ugliness
in everyday life
because that heightens his appreciation of the good and the beautiful.
God was bored with the
and the Moslem one
and the Elysian Fields,
so he built his own paradise,
and called it Earth.
Einstein's brother was a famous chef.
He invented the theory of relish-tivity.
Why did the boy bite a book of statistics?
He wanted to make a stat-chew.
Honesty is the best policy.
But where is the company that sells it?
What did Einstein eat for breakfast?
Jesus told his mother
to eat, drink,
and be Mary.
Archaeologists find 21st century gym
and conclude it was a torture chamber
devoted to the god Fitness,
in the belief that the greater your misery in life,
the greater your reward after death.
The king wanted to eliminate poverty
So he moved his entire kingdom to the desert
Because when it rains, it poors.
What was the most popular newspaper column in biblical days?
The Gossip According to Mark
God created the Heavens and the Earth
and everything in them.
Then Satan created evolution
and screwed it all up.
When the three-year-old dropped a nickel in his piggy bank,
the nickel jumped for joy --
"I am saved."
Why do kids like to be buried on the beach?
To achieve under-sanding.
Then there was the Hebrew cabinet maker
who was so bored with his job
that all day every day he muttered,
"Vanity. Vanity. All is vanity."
Why did the prophet hire a speech therapist?
Instead of renouncing the world
he wanted to pronounce it.
In the interest of equality,
as the day before New Year's is called New Year's Eve;
the day after New Year's should be New Year's Adam.
On Planet X, caterpillars breed,
then go into cocoon
and emerge with one wing
Except a few who find true love,
and emerge as one creature with two wings.
They fly and are called angels
The evolution of evolution --
Darwin claimed we descended from monkeys.
His opponents said none such.
Finally they compromised and agreed
it was monks and nuns together.
Mankind longed to return
to the E-den of iniquity,
until finally they built Vegas.
Sir Isaac Newton
had an alma energy
as well as an alma matter.
Through the ages, funeral rites
were intended to alleviate the fear of ghosts.
It was important to bury the dread.
What is a good name
for a naked Hindu priest?
Where is Newton buried?
In the gravity yard.
Where is Einstein buried?
With his relatives.
Where is Heisenberg buried?
That is uncertain.
Where is Schrodinger buried?
A cat house.
Where is Darwin buried?
At the zoo.
Where is Freud buried?
In the unconscious.
Where are the Wright Brothers buried?
In the plains.
Where is Joyce buried?
Next to Finnegan.
Where is Shakespeare buried?
In the playground.
When the Author-of-All
created the world with words,
he didn't use present, past, or future.
It was all pretense.
How do distant planets sign their love letters?
What do aliens drink?
What do Martians eat?
What do moon men watch?
What planet won gold at the Olympics?
The promise of the Internet --
joining together people from all over the world --
has been undermined by polarization,
only listening to those who say what you want to hear.
Hence the slogan:
Never click the clique.
What's God's favorite store?
Create and Barrel.
Why did He create man?
He wanted an audience for his jokes.
Slogan for medication --
Dare to live like a god.
Its warning label --
For gods only.
Do not take if you are dead
or plan to be dead.
He ran out of gas
after a day at the office
and couldn't write.
Then he started eating beans,
and he could write for hours.
Definition of meditation --
Quietly thinking a why-le.
belief at a distance,
seeing and hearing God without being anywhere near Her,
as through a text, an email, a tweet.
In the beginning was the word.
So the impending doom that we now face
is the end of the word.
So it is our duty, as writers, to keep writing
in hopes that we might save the word.
Scarier than turning into a vampire or a werewolf is turning into an old person.
I hope one doesn't bite me...
New religion with its own language --
The Church if Emo-ji-sus.
Special offer --
be reborn later.
What's to fear mate?
If ye dye,
ye just change color.
She was a molecular biologist,
but she was completely unprepared for this contingency --
her genes had no pockets.
News alert --
God just left Earth.
He doesn't want to catch the coronavirus.
Adam was a confirmed pessimist.
When Eve told him that the sun would rise,
Souls are like socks --
it's hard to find mates.
The news is weighing us down
with one grave matter after another.
We should all move to the moon
where there is far less gravity.
The philosophy of robotics --
What Immanuel Kant
What is the nationality
of most experts on coronovirus?
You can't take your time
and have it too.
tell your doctor
if you are dead
or plan to be dead.
by leading to virtual presence and virtual meetings
is increasing virtue,
Even reality is becoming virtuous.
Don't worry if you lose your mind.
There are reminders everywhere.
The rabbi told Mary, "Man proposes. God disposes."
Mary looked up to Heaven and shouted,
"Lord that's not fair!
If you proposed. I'd accept.
We could elope."
And on the eighth day,
God looked at the Colorado River and said,
Why did the trapeze artist go to Austria to find a bride?
He wanted to fly through the air with the greatest of Viennese.
Did you hear about the hat that got a job as a waiter in a fancy restaurant?
He made a fortune.
Everybody tips a hat.
Tell me the lyrics to a love song about a compulsive liar.
"My Bonnie lies over the ocean. My Bonnie lies over the sea..."
Many people who jog are overweight.
Many people who don't jog are thin.
So if you want to lose weight, you shouldn't jog
What is the best educated device in the chemistry lab?
A graduated beaker
He was unsuitable.
Nothing fit him.
A weightlifter showed off his physique on the beach, flexing his biceps.
He invited a young lady to squeeze them.
When she did, they made a musical sound.
He explained, "That's muscle tone."
What do you call a man who laughs himself to death?
A comic kazie.
If you don't exercise,
you'll need an extra size.
What did Zeus say when he came down to Earth as a swan?
"Take me to your Leda."
Who was the most famous female knight of King Arthur's Round Table?
Haven't you heard of Good Knight Irene?
Queen Elizabeth was visiting New Zealand for the first time. She went to the city of Auckland, and it was remarkably quiet. Then she sent to Wellington, and it was the same. Then she went to a village in the mountains and the noise was deafening. Her guide explained, "It takes a village to raise a ruckus."
What did the car horn say when it felt depressed?
"To beep or not to beep."
What do you call a butcher who loves his work?
How do amoebas communicate?
By cell phone.
What happens when a Jew gets bitten by a mad dog?
He becomes rabbied
What did the ankles say to their neighbors?
Did you hear about the grammarian who created a new kind of medical practice?
Why was the priest exceptionally thin?
Because he exorcised all day.
What do you say when someone wakes you up to tell you a tornado is about to strike?
Why did the 90 year old Congressman vote against the Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty?
Because he didn't want to do away with the nuclear family.
Why did a young woman interested in ecology buy white cotton tee shirts.
Because they were stainable.
What is the magical part of New York?
You get there by Fairy Boat.
What do they call the pecking order of scents in the perfume industry?
Robert's Rules of Odor
When Obi Wan Kenobi moved to Korea,
he became known as the Chosen Wan.
Did you hear about the comedian who became a banker?
He was great at funs management.
A Mormon elder drove his family crazy saying everything in the form of a quote from the Bible; until a son dared talk back,
"Say it, don't pray it."
There's an area outside of Washington with lots of exercise and diet businesses.
It's known as the Beltway.
What was the name of Count Dracula's newsletter?
Good Even Ink
What did the orange juice say to the rain?
"Stop. I'm trying to concentrate."
What's the best way to watch a collision?
With a collide-o-scope
What's a good name for a dating service for mermaids and mermen?
The tax accountants get together every year after the tax deadline and share their successes and congratulate one another.
It's a mutual depreciation society.
The witches from Macbeth would have made terrible baseball umpires because they thought that fair is foul and foul is fair.
Where do you find lots of black sheep?
In Lower California.
You've heard of baja baja black sheep.
Praying to Baggus,
the god of lost luggage
What Virginia river is well-known as a pop singer?
What do you call a dog bought for jogging exercise?
When an Englishman meets a cup of tea in the street, how does he greet him?
What do you call a mechanized device for rowing a boat?
A row bot
Why should you never get into a taxi driven by a witch?
Because the fare is foul.
A mailman gave his girlfriend an engagement ring.
The next day he gave her another one.
She asked why.
He replied that the postman always rings twice.
Where do medical examiners shop?
The coroner store.
When a computer has one problem after another, what do you call that?
A son of a glitch
What did the pain say when treated with a muscle relaxant?
I got to get out of this joint.
What did the webmaster give his web site?
A birthday gif
Why was the Toyota afraid of dogs?
Because he heard that they are car-nivores
Why was the island dropped from a list of best destinations?
Because she had a bad latitude
Where did the convict go to live when he was released from prison?
In a string quartet, which instrument is traditionally played by a fish?
The bass fiddle.
What did the lady of little means do with her clothes when she lost 60 pounds?
She took them to church to be altared.
What kind of background music should you play on Christmas Eve?
What do they call Internet connectivity on an airplane?
What do you call a mythical bird who runs an employment agency?
Who was named middle eastern champion of latin american dance?
The cha of Iran
What is the perfect gift for an ex on the occasion of the breakup?
A piece of rope with a knot in the middle --
a forget me knot
What do you call schooling designed for children of wealthy families?
Why was the prime minister of England upset when he went to a restaurant in New Guinea?
The menu included "prime rib".
A man who moved from the city to the country woke up and said,
"It's a beautiful day -- not a crowd in the sky.
What is the name of a popular gossip column in the Land of Electrons?
Terms of en-deerment:
fawn, doe, buck
Why did the Asian lady wear long skirts?
She was Shy Knees
Better read than dead,
said the book
I'm on a roll,
like a pad of butter.
What happened when Kafka jumped on a trampoline?
The Czech bounced.
How do you open a dorsh?
With a quiche.
What apartment did Hamlet live in?
What made people think Superman is generous?
His large S.
Why do lumberjacks make good computer users?
They have lots of experience logging in and logging out.
In medieval Germany, before the legends of Santa Claus, there was a mythic character who every Christmas gave little girls necklaces.
He was known as Saint Necklace
What does a grouchy vegetarian say?
Bah hummus bug
Which cartoon character is famous for his weight loss diet?
Why was the bureau accepted at Yale?
Because it was a smart dresser
Which of King Solomon's spouses was in charge of Internet connectivity?
How do clocks celebrate their victories?
With ticker parades
When the prioress fell in love with the abbot, how did she address her letters to him?
Why did the grammarian go to the podiatrist?
He was afraid of getting comma-toes.
Twins from Warsaw became Arctic explorers.
They went in opposite directions.
One became the North Pole and the other the South Pole.
What did the steak say when he went to bed at night?
Now I filet me down to sleep.
How do amoebas communicate?
Which grocery store chain do golfers prefer?
Louis XIV had a ne're-do-well son.
To discipline him, Louis cut off his funds.
Then Louis was surprised to find out that his son had started a successful business, catering to tourists --
Swim with the dauphin.
What's another word for miser?
A dough nut
What kind of car does a wealthy chef drive?
A guy needed to fix a vase. He asked a friend, "What should I use?"
He answered, "I don't have a glue."
The Deli Lama makes a great ham sandwich.
What did Lady MacBeth say when her puppy couldn't be house trained?
"Out! Out! Damned Spot!"
Why is a pianonautical mile a more accurate measure of distance than a land mile?
Because on land you can't sea where you're going.
What would you call a lunar retreat for religious fanatics?
What do you study if you want to become a midwife for dogs and cats?
Where do wealthy moths get buried?
Why did the fish take piano lessons?
He wanted to become a piano tuna
What kind of jewelry do angels wear?
The lawyer who was also a pastry chef studied
torts and tarts.
How do leftovers talk to one another in the refrigerator?
When the seas were stormy, what kind of wine did the captain want?
Any port in a storm.
When a dinghy goes berserk, how do you get it under control?
With a ding bat
What do pigs use when they have a cut?
What brand of chewing gum is popular in Ireland?
Dublin mint gum
What did the burglar's friends sing on his birthday?
"For he's a jolly good felon."
An age-old question was resolved by Emily Post.
When serving dinner, egg always comes before chicken.
When Columbus sailed to America, he sailed in the Santa Maria.
When the Pope sailed to America, he sailed in the Ave Maria.
What is the science of measuring carbs?
What did the lizard want to be when he grew up?
A newt reporter
Where do the best Japanese comedians come from?
Who is the Korean messiah?
The Chosen One
What did Moses say to the Red Sea?
Parting is such sweet sorrow.
What's the favorite dance of armored vehicles?
When a submarine misbehaves, what do you call it?
Which animal is known for its drug addiction?
What do you call a chef who specializes in linguine?
When the head chef ran into difficulties, he always told his staff,
"There is no in-supper-able problem."
Did you hear about the American tourist who didn't want to exchange her dollars when she went to Europe?
She was afraid of getting a euro tract infection.
What's a good name for a business providing financial advice for the beef industry?
A guy just got back from a long trip.
"How was the flight?" asked his friend.
"The coach was fine, but the six horses made it a bit crowded."
What's the name of the cat who ruled China?
Meow tse tung
What did Chaucer say to a cleric on the way to Canterbury?
When one mistake leads to another, what do you call it?
Son of a glitch
Where do dogs sleep when they go camping?
In a pup tent
When a ghost opened a little shop on the corner, what did he call it?
The traveler's law --
Baggage expands to fill the space available.
What do you say when UPS arrives at your door?
How now brown truck?
What do you call an electronic music gadget with three legs?
An ancient Chinese boardgame
that men play sitting on benches
waiting for their wives who are shopping --
What's the title of the autobiography of a famous Italian gourmet?
Remembrance of Time Pasta
When the standup comedian delivered an outstanding performance,
his bride gave him a standing ovulation.
A trappist monk flies through the air
with the greatest of silence.
An example of when repetition isn't repetition.
The headline --
Mink stole mink stole
The middle-aged lady married a guy named Jack Young,
so she could say that she married young.
How does Satan greet new arrivals?
A Moslem was upset to learn that he needed wife five to connect to the Internet
when he could only have four wives.
What do you call the fee a surrogate is paid?
Did you hear about the angle who spent his whole life in school
and earned 90 degrees?
The cruise passenger's prayer:
The salad bar is my shepherd.
I shall not want,
And I shall not gain.
Why did the dieter buy fish?
He wanted to check his weight,
and he had heard that fish have scales.
A mixing bowl had an opportunity to become part of a Cuisinart,
but she declined because her daddy always told her,
"Never a blender be."
As I get older, my memory is improving.
Forty years ago I never could find my cellphone.
and Joseph New Year
You can never have a little real estate.
You always have a lot
What is a word meaning old fashioned wealth?
A blue flower that grows on volcanic islands should be called
How do desserts greet one another?
A holy roller preacher looked like he was seriously depressed.
A parishoner asked, "What's wrong?"
The preacher replied, "It's hard to believe."
Why did the Yankees hire an opera singer?
They heard he had perfect pitch.
What do you call a photograph of a cup of coffee?
A mug shot.
A man sitting in a restaurant was arrested as a peeping tom.
He was staring at the salad dressing.
What did the momma rope say to the daddy rope when he snored?
Quiet. You'll wake up the twines.
A nomadic alien found Earth by homing in on television signals.
What were his first words when he landed?
Take me to your movies.
What role did dogs play in the automation of retail sales?
They invented the bark code
Ancient Scottish saying:
There's more than one way to skin a flint.
What is Alan Alda's favorite food?
What's the best place to buy used sea food?
A prawn shop.
What model of sports car does the president of McDonald's drive?
Why did the bull panic on Hannukah?
Because he was afraid of being gelded.
What business likes to hire owls?
What owl became a singing cowby movie star?
What do you call a corncob with only one kernel?
What does a unicorn ride?
Santa landed his sleigh in the desert in front of the sheikh's house.
The sheikh burst out in tears
His wife asked, "What's wrong?"
He explained, "I prayed for rain, dear."
When a rabbit feels sorry for hmself, what does he sing?
Thump pity, thump thump
What did the first woman president say to her brassiere on the occasion of her winning the election?
I thank you for your support.
A marriage ceremony is like a baptism.
That's why they call it a wetting.
What did the skunk pirate captain say?
Stink the ship.
Why did the daddy goat laugh when the mommy goat was in labor?
She was kidding.
Definition of snoring --
How do you encourage a whale to exercise?
What do you call a smartphone you are mad at?
A ding bat.
Slogan of a slave dealer -
All men are crated equal.
What was the name of the Buddhist nun who invented the automobile?
What was the name of her dog?
What is the name of one hand clapping?
When you are investigating bank fraud, who should you interrogate first?
What did Queen Gueneviere's rival say to her?
Share your love of Art.
Why is the mushroom a good date?
He was a fun guy.
How to praise a great chef:
Book ends taking shelf-defense lessons.
What do you call an ancient Chinese vase that makes a siren sound in case of theft?
What is the highest rank in the army of corn?
Among the Fates, the one who took care of the details did the knitting.
That's where we got the expression
It wasn't her fault.
She was born with a devious septum
What did Leonardo da Vinci say when he was hungry?
Polymath wants a cracker.
An struggling artist changed careers and became a paramedical
because he was good at drawing blood
Alternate title for "The Wind in the Willows" --
"The Toad Less Travelled"
Young women are not allowed to become talmudic scholars.
It is unseemly for a woman to seek biblic knowledge.
Gabriel returned to Heaven in a panic
after he saw ads for
angel cake and baked wings.
When Cher got a job as a paralegal,
it was an act of charity.
She worked pro Bono.
The comedian who got an award for his work after he died was honored
For whom the
The epic story of the invention of EasyPass.
The IRS should hold audits in an auditorium,.
Like a colosseum, only with accountants instead of lions.
in keeping with "truth in intimidation" regulations
Drop a b from bible and you get bile.
That's the hidden meaning of 2 b or not 2 b
Where did the archaeologist couple meet?
On a carbon dating site.
The Iliad as Christmas story --
I sing the wreath of Achilles...
Apple was going to introduce an electronic bunny for
But the name
was already taken.
How many jokes would a wood chuckle chuckle, if a wood chuckle would chuckle?
How do you indicate shading in a Twitter message?
With cross hashing
Imagine a little kid who enjoys playing with his toy boat in the toy-let.
He suddenly has diarrhea and learns an important life lesson --
Loose shits sink ships.
Miss, Ms., Mrs., Mess, Messier, Messiest, Messiah, Messeuse
Credo of the humorist:
He whose laughs last, laughs best.
She was very timely.
She was born on her birthday,
and she delivered her baby on Labor Day.
Nickname of The Association of Concussed Football Players --
The Collective Unconscious
Name of legendary frontier podiatrist --
Suggested signage for Damascus airport --
Welcome to the Muddle East
The little old lady who swallowed a fly died of
insect inside poisoning.
Name for American fast food chain in Japan --
Yankee Noodle Dandy
Future best seller -- Harry Potter's Field of Dreams
The witch accidentally transformed a friend into a fiend.
Spellcheck didn't help.
A Hindu app lets you know what you will be born as next
(which depends on when you die and the current state of your soul).
When facing life-or-death situations,
it's good to know your options.
What college did Vol de Mort graduate from?
Apple is diversifying into upscale alcoholic beverages.
They're going to call their first product
and their second
The whole body
of his work
His funny bone was humerus
and he had a fun knee.
She was very careful about her driving,
because she knew that car-sin-oma
is a serious problem.
Why are you hanging out here?
I'm just getting the hang of the place.
The gall of the man.
He was well hung, but women weren't interested in him.
Which state is renowned for its cellphone usage?
After the unnameable villain from Harry Potter retired, he went into the real estate business, founding vol de mortgage dot com
Russian software for hacking medical equpment -- E(KG)B
The early inhabitants of Scotland invented the camera.
That’s why they were called the Picts.
Why did the Texan hire a ghost writer?
Because he needed a ghost to scare away the rattle snakes.
What is the best exercise for stockings?
A long-lost transgender novel by Robert Louis Stevenson was finally published --
Dr. Jekyll and Mrs. Hyde
A big black bird landed on Edgar Allan Poe's shoulder.
He couldn't scare it away and couldn't pull it off.
He thought he was going crazy until a friend pointed out that this wasn't a raven.
It was a vel crow.
A new musical
about twin kings of Siam --
The Gem and I
The Amish comedian traveled by
horse and giggle
What do you call a flock of laughing geese?
A builder promised his novelist girlfriend that he would help her achieve her dream.
He took her to his construction site, led her to the basement, and gleefully exclaimed:
"Here is your best cellar!"
The aspiring author became a sailor
so he could write a naval.
The aspiring author became a sailor so he could write a naval.
Afraid that his linguistic heritage was endangered, the cockney bought accent insurance.
Slogan of New Hampshire chefs --
live fry or die.
A new process for disposing of the remains of
generates green energy.
How should you wake up a floor polisher?
Rise and shine.
Confucius say -
Never lie in bed.
Only when standing.
Dorothy said her preyers every night --
"Lions and tigers and bears, oh my!"
Broadway song about a computer repairman --
If I were a glitchman...
When a guy was hired by a sexy lady,
Why did he give her a rub down?
She was being embossed.
Why did the rolls in the restaurant
make noises like kettle drums?
They were drum rolls.
The witch saw a giggly girl in a bikini,
waved a magic wond,
and turned her into a sea gull.
"That's amazing," said the witch's friend.
"No. That was easy. She was very gullible."
Why did the boy give his girlfriend daises?
Because he wanted to d-flower her.
Why was the dollar bill upset to be deposited in a bank?
She didn't want to be a loan.
Another term for "friends with benefits" --
A beddage of convenience.
A Chinese wine cooler --
a chin chiller
A couple is working in their garden.
They hear one burp after another.
"Wha the hell is going on?" asks the husband.
"No problem," says the wife.
"I bought Burpee seeds."
He lived in a modest house.
It would only take its clothes off at night,
when no one was looking.
When the six-year-old lost an incisor,
he left a note under his pillow:
instead of quarters,
he wanted a blue tooth.
When the beagle talked in his sleep,
he said false and slanderous things about his friends.
But they didn't mind.
They knew to let sleeping dogs lie.
A glue manufacturer became a psycho-therapist
because he was good at dealing with problems of attachment.
Why didn't Alfred Hitchcock wear a belt?
He preferred suspensers.
New electronic device
for getting in touch with the inner you --
the self phone.
What job did the cat sailor get
after he was knighted?
He become the Purr Sir.
How to say good night to an athlete --
After the tree was chopped down,
he was always board.
That was okay until a carpenter bought him.
Then he was screwed.
The needles had much in common,
but their relationship had a couple of
The book did anything he wanted
because he was entitled.
If you need to laugh,
just lean on the windowsill.
That's what it's there for --
to give you a dose of silliness.
Over the years,
he scaled back his goals and expectations.
Now he aims for the stairs.
Over the years,
she scaled back her goals and expectations.
Now she no longer aims for the stairs.
Instead she takes the elevator.
How did the kiwis toast the New Year?
Eat, drink, and be berry!
The court jester was a champion at
The court jester was a champion at
The priests' cheer --
two, four, six, eight.
How shall we now celibate?
What nation of barbarians had the best dance band?
What do you call the set of all words that refer to crimes? Syn-onyms
Why did the hip bone and the leg go to the bank together? To open a joint account
Why did the wig have to go to the coronation? Because he was the hair apparent
Who is the most important instructor in the Army School of Dentistry?
The drill sergeant
When nine judges got together to form a rock band,
what did they call their group?
The pastry chef was nicknamed "magic lips",
but she wasn't particularly attractive.
How did she get that name?
When she kissed her creations,
she made them batter.
When two cartographers fell in love,
they lived mappily ever after.
Someone who loves fish is an
Some people prefer shrimp with tails.
So stores now offer to put the tails back on.
That's known as selling shrimp re-tail
Movie about the first Thanksgiving on the moon --
The Right Stuffing
What do you call a nun's hat?
A habit hat
What happens to amoeba when they misbehave?
They have to walk the plancton
Why did an immigrant who just arrived in New York ask a big husky guy to lift him onto his shoulders?
So he could say he was "raised in New York".
Why are novelists better writers than poets?
Because they are pros
What do you call a wrestler who is new to the sport?
Never trust the judgment of an imperfect diamond.
It jumps to occlusions.
The Wright Brothers did many calculations, trying to figure out how to fly.
But nothing worked.
So Orville winged it.
Dogs often have the medical condition "irritable bowel syndrome".
You can tell because they have the distinctive bark --
What color did Monet paint his flowers?
When King David captured Santa Claus and sold him as a slave,
what did the headlines read?
David Selz Nick
Why did the hole in the ground have no friends?
Because he was a son of a ditch
Definition of a nun --
a creature of habit
What do you call coffee mixed with eggs?
What should you call an underage emperor of the Eastern Roman Empire?
How do you describe the shape of someone on a yoghurt diet?
When the Pope canonized a bird, what name did he give him?
Cramming for exams, the student moved his desk and mattress into the backyard.
He wanted to study in tent ly,
Cannibals have two kinds of ovens
toast her oven
toast him oven.
How should you greet an author?
When the lady feels really depressed,
she buys a fork-lift truck.
It's a great pick me up.
She thought she was in love with the guy
until he complimented her feet.
She was like toes intolerant.
What did the mute performer say to his girlfriend?
Why do Tom cats like Japanese kittens?
Because they are cat nippon.
The actress was charged more for everything than anyone else.
But she didn't mind.
She liked having top billing.
Name for a dating service for pets --
Bad day --
Went for a face lift
but it was too heavy.
Got a hair cut
but he cut the wrong one.
Wanted my nails done
but was screwed instead.
What did Miss Muffet say when she found her true love?
"Let me count the wheys."
What did the wear wolf wear?
When twitter friends visit the mansion,
where do they stay?
The follow wing.
The buck deerly loved the doe.
For her he was even willing
to get dressed.
His life had five gears,
like a sports car,
but it was stuck in the night shift.
Chinese tongue twister --
How Mao brown cow?
Chinese cat tongue twister --
How miao brown cow?
What Olympic sport are Poles destined to excel at?
When the Pope drank too much communion wine,
Luke Skywalker helped him home.
Hence he became known as
Tight Pope Walker.
The symptoms were numb and getting number,
so the mathician added two more,
and said "Be nine."
And indeed it was benign.
Which member of Robin Hood's band was on the cover of GQ Magazine?
Which member of Robin Hood's band was famous for his sermons about incontinence?
Which member of Robin Hood's band cooked the most unhealthy dishes?
Which member of Robin Hood's band was a notorious adulterer?
Will Scarlet Letter
Why did the Englishman buy a dozen eggs and kiss them?
He loved egg snog.
To lose weight
only eat the tip of the iceberg
The doctor went to yoga class religiously
and stretched and twisted until finally he could touch the back of his head with his foot.
He had read in the Bible, "Physician, heel thyself."
When the couch potatoes swore,
the cook apologized for them,
"Pardon my French
New cartoon TV series --
Episode 1 =
One flu over the cuckoo's nest.
He worked hard at his golf game
and eventually earned a handicap of 36,
He was delighted.
Now he could use handicapped parking everywhere.
When the three-year-old dropped a nickel in his piggy bank,
the nickel jumped for joy --
he was saved
The seafood lover was delighted
when he heard about the
She had the opposite of autism --
She could only communicate with emojis.
Cheer up. Have faith.
After dis apppointment
comes dat appointment.
The caviar dreamed of
making the roe team.
The role of the Senate in dealing with nominations
is advise and conceit.
She self-published with a 3D printer
and made a thousand copies of herself.
"I'm looking for something for sticky fingers."
He submitted his work to agents in a cascade --
then second tear,
then third tear.
He entitled his novel "Between the Lines"
so everybody would read it.
He is taking a class in January.
If that goes well, he'll study February next.
Traveler's checks for time travelers at bargain prices.
Pay now and cash them in for ten times as much
any time in the past.
"For every question, there is a dancer,"
said the rockette scientist.
Christmas cheer --
Hey! Hey! What do you say?
Take the gifts the other way!
The parchment wanted to marry a controlling woman
so he could be embossed.
He knew he couldn't save the world so he did the next best thing --
He became a lexicographer and saved the word.
Title of Netflix CEO --
He published his short novel in ten volumes.
He explained --
"In this business, you win on volume."
Time for refreshment,
with three cubes of nice.
The lady was disappointed by complimentary wine in first class --
It didn't pay her any compliments.
Christmas was traumatic for the fir tree --
She got all twisted up,
wreathing in pain.
She had finished her first novel.
Now she was an author.
Doors would open for her.
She need no longer worry about
unauthorized use or access.
Don't give up.
Sometimes you get to the top
by climbing the ladder
one wrong at a time.
The true woman --
plays the woman-olin
ends her prayers a-women
has good womanners
and is wonderful in womanifold ways
Even when published
the novel was disappointed --
he thought he had been typecast.
What plant grew up to be an enormous success --
Why did the personnel manager insist that all secretarial applicants take a blood test?
She didn't want any type O's.
The podiatrist gardener specialized in
A rich guy didn't like the long delay before dinner was served,
so he hired a waiter.
What's the favorite game of gourmets?
What's the favorite game of vegetarian gourmets?
Why did the pasta go to the gym?
He wanted to become fit-tuccine
How do rabbits make beer?
When the restaurant served hot chocolate
they had a bon bon fire.
How do you play hops scotch?
With beer and scotch.
A guy uses his front porch as his office
so he can lose weight
by working out every day.
A woman wouldn't go to a meetup
because she's a vegetarian.
"That's a lot of dessert."
"Yes, that's the Sahara of desserts."
The jeweler cooked his diamonds
on low heat
because he wanted them rare.
The hamburger gave his fiancee an onion ring
and two carrots.
What vegetable dish was invented in North Korea?
What do you call a warm piece of clothing
made of chocolate?
The ballerina refused to play in The Nutcracker
because she was on a diet
and it was too suite.
Why did the hens pluck out
the rooster's feathers?
They wanted cocktails.
Weight Watchers cheer --
Hey hey what do you weigh?
Take your weight the other way.
After his pedicure
no longer suffered from a foot fetish.
After her manicure,
was just depressed,
but her hands no longer bothered her.
The ill-tempered critic
congestive art failure.
Eat, drink, and be merry;
for tomorrow you diet.
In ancient times,
elephant tails were valuable as trophies,
and elephants could regrow them.
That led to the first retail business.
Under a full moon
she went food shopping with her blind date.
He showed great interest in dog food.
Then, at dinner, he was ravenously hungry,
and wolfed it down.
What should you order at the Heart Break Hotel?
with a side of grief.
He collected tea sets
and enjoyed hundreds of flavors of tea.
the nice teas of life.
Man went to Costco.
Man had hot dog.
Man bit dog.
Dog tasted good.
Obvious product idea --
Video mirror for the home.
See yourself as others see you,
not yourself in reverse
as in a standard mirror.
The hundred year old lady was almost stone deaf.
She couldn't hear any stone except granite.
What should a man wear when dancing to Latin music with his mother on Mother's Day?
A Mom Bow Tie
The science of counting carbs and calories is
What do you call someone who sneaks food to someone pretending to be a vegetarian?
Why did you travel to Antarctica?
Because I wanted to meet a ice person.
What inanimate object is fleet of foot?
What song do fishermen on the Caspian Sea sing when seeking sturgeon for caviar?
roe, roe, roe your boat
What did the dog say when his owner put a bowl of brown mush in his bowl?
How now brown chow.
Airport security is going to bar cosmetics on flights.
They heard rumors that ISIS is developing
a lip bomb.
Did you hear about the pair of glasses who was about to be sent to prison
until he proved he was framed?
First he loved his pet rock,
then he neglected it
and took it for granite.
Did you hear about the clam digger who gave up his career when he realized
that it was selfish
to sell shell fish.
What do you call a matchmaker on the streets of NY City?
a meet her maid
Having been bitten by a werewolf,
Hamlet freaked out at the next full moon
and screamed --
"To beast or not to beast,
that is the question."
After the swimming pool passed the acidity test
100 days in a row,
it was awarded a Ph D
At the end of his life,
Dylan Thomas converted to Judaism.
That's why he wrote --
"Do not go gentile
into that dark night."
What is the plumber's favorite poker hand?
He always kept a best-sellling book on the piano,
so when he played
he'd have a page-turner.
When beavers built a temple, what did they call it?
What is the literary masterpiece with the most carbs?
Did you hear about the arctic explorer who found a quarter encased in ancient ice?
It was the tip of the iceberg.
What do you call a Sicilian funeral procession?
a hit parade
What do you call a seagull who likes to smoke?
Prayer of the righteous --
Now I truth me down to sleep.
Theme song of Indian Americans --
Theme song of American Indians --
My name is Sioux, how do you do?
Old McDonald was
a computer expert
into AI AI O
You've heard about Johnny Appleseed planting apple trees.
Well the guy who did that for vineyards is Alexander the Grape.
What do you call transgender cattle?
What kind of laundry detergent do pigs use?
The door-to-door salesman
avoided the house of the protozoa,
because she was a hard cell.
The no-no bird went extinct
because of celibacy --
she just said "no."
Cookie Monster may eat it.
Which came first?
or the pen?
Everything was great about her new dress,
except the color --
which was to dye for.
Wedding toast --
George, may you get everything you want in this wife.
Mary, may you be well groomed.
Where does the comedian turn when he needs an audience?
The Good Humor Man.
What does the icicle sing when he starts to melt?
Snowbody knows the trouble I've seen.
Snowbody knows but Frostie.
He needed practice beore becoming a stand-up comic;
so he started with sit-down comedy
and invented the sitcom.
Snoopy converted to Judaism
and became a bagel.
The proctologist was good at getting to the bottom of the problem.
Top-selling pop psychology book for trees --
I'm Oak A
You're Oak A
After 40 years service in the Star Fleet,
Captain Kirk had enough logs
to build a log cabin.
The lion loved fresh gnu for breakfast.
So he subscribed to an online gnus service.
The sand was prim, proper, and unemployed
until she got stoned
and became a rockette.
When the comedian went on a safari,
he vowed to
bring 'em back a laugh.
When Crazy Horse saw his wife with a facial mask,
he nearly had a heart attack.
That was the origin of war paint.
The gambler was a sticker for cleanliness,
so he changed his cheats every day.
The rabbi wouldn't allow an organ in temple,
but he was happy to have a jew-k box.
The rabbi wouldn't drink beer,
but he loved a he-brew.
He became a priest, held confession, collected the gilt of his parish,
and melted it down to bullion.
As an alternate way of taking medicine,
instead of swallowing or getting a shot,
meds can be embedded in a cushion
so you absorb it while sleeping.
They call that a pillow.
After her first trip to the hair dresser
the little girl looked at herself in the mirror
and said proudly, "You are such a good curl."
A giant named Sas loved squash so much that
he stepped on everything to make it squash.
That's why they called him sas-squash.
He became he world's best knotty pine inspector
thanks to his mother
who taught him
to judge not."
The football team
for taking kick backs.
When George finally took care of his gas problem,
he held a burp day party.
The finger hated the lancet --
he was such a prick.
She lived a lonely life.
She rarely went out and had few debts.
So while others went to the gym and paid bills,
she went to the James and paid Williams.
If Sleeping Beauty lived today, she wouldn't need to prick her finger.
She could get her glucose readings the high-tech way.
In his will,
he gave instructions
that his autobiography
should be written by
a ghost writer.
What do you call an American Indian outhouse?
How should you address a letter to the afterworld?
To tomb it may concern...
The jury pondered --
"To defer or not to defer?
To differ or not to differ?"
But their decision didn't matter
because they were
deaf and indifferent.
What do mariners use instead of mouth wash?
Someone who writes constantly
with little hope of being published
When the baron retired from government,
he became a masseur --
the famous rubber baron.
This novel defied the boundaries of classification
and had a sexually ambiguous main character.
It suffered from both genre-fication
What can you say of an infantry unit renowned for its speed?
The fleet of feet is fleet of foot.
The glove maker advertised --
as handsome gloves.
She refused to go to the Continent.
She never wanted it to be said that
she was in continent.
You can depend on that.
No diet or exercise plan worked.
So she went to a casino in England,
and lost a hundred pounds in seconds.
Why am I here?
What do I expect to gain?
I'm practicing for the next track tweet,
and I hope to lose, not gain,
He got serious about his next novel
and WIP-onized it.
The self-improvement author
won big time
and became a best selfer.
Specialty at McDonald's in Edinburgh --
Big Mac Beth,
served bloody rare,
with lady fingers.
What now-extinct beast once fought the forces of darkness?
The light-saber toothed tiger
What animal is a refreshing drink?
The koola bear
Why did the ninjas buy a nunnery?
They needed flying nuns
as ammunition for their nunchucks.
What do monks eat while watching the Super Bowl?
Pope corn and humble pie.
How do monks get free entry to the Super Bowl?
They use their Hail Mary Pass.
Ninjas never laugh.
How much wood would a nunchuck chuck
if a nunchuck could chuck wood
He wasn't a king.
He never had a coronation.
So he insisted on a home birth
so he could see
the crowning of his son.
The musician went to the gym religiously,
convinced that if he could bench press
he could win a Grammy.
His computer wouldn't start
so he took it to the nearest cobbler,
who was far cheaper than the computer repair man
and was an expert at booting and rebooting.
Celebrating February 4 --
May the fourth be with you.
And may you have a febulous month.
What's the name of the horse
renowned for telling dirty jokes?
In the early days of telegraphy,
a monk made contact with God
and requested a spectacular Christmas.
But he left out a letter,
asked for sow instead of snow,
and so started the tradition of Christmas ham.
He wanted to heal eyes
and prescribe rose-colored glasses.
So he became an optimist.
did everything on his own,
even learning to fix cars.
Before self-publishing his pet project,
the novelist went to City Hall
and got a prosaic license.
Missing feature --
a microwave with a choice of cooling.
For when the food is too hot
and you'd like to cool it for 30 seconds
rather than wait 5 minutes.
His friends appealed to him to seek help,
So he went to the coast with binoculars
and shouted with glee, "Kelp!
I see kelp!"
Definition of schizophrenia --
his right brain
doesn't know what
his wrong brain is doing.
The eye doctor provided guaranteed service.
He had a sign in his office with B-E-T-T-E-R
in huge letters.
After every visit he asked
the patient to read it.
Then he said, with satisfaction,
"You see better!"
The fairy god witch was invited to the wedding
as the mother of the broom.
The genie gave him one wish.
He said, "I want to be unique!"
Unfortunately, the genie misheard,
and so he became a eunuch.
God's gift to man:
God's gift to woman:
God's gift to children:
And so, in the beginning, there was the text.
Where should you go to study cartoons?
He was addicted to Lord of the Rings
until he found his true elf
and kicked the hobbit.
She got into the computer department at RIT
because she was a shopoholic --
an expert at buy-nary math.
The impresario staged a performance of La Boheme
in the middle of the river in Paris --
the perfect mise en Seine.
They sent their son
to a physical therapist
to improve his motor skills,
getting him ready for the Indianapolis 500.
When he bought a fastener,
he thought it would help glue he pieces of his life together.
He didn't know that it would
make his life go by faster.
She was controlling as a parent.
When her kids moved out,
she strove to change and become submissive.
She submitted stories to hundreds of magazines.
Now she is trying to be receptive.
She went to a therapist to learn
how to live with pain.
He suggested that
she divorce him.
Where is Elvis?
At the North Poe,
with his hundred clones,
making blue suede shoes
He sprayed himself with metallic paint
until his whole body was mirror-like,
because it's important to be self-reflective.
The would-be track champion
cheated on his girlfriend
and on tests at school --
he wanted to be like the fastest animal on Earth --
If you feel like shit,
try sleeping in the fecal position.
When life was born,
he was breastfed.
And life has sucked ever since.
When Persephone returned from Hades,
the underwhere of the universe,
she went commando
because she no long needed underwear.
The top-tear editor
lived in the subverbs
and performed transgenre surgery.
The unpaid author
sent his publisher
a bill of writes.
The publisher replied
that the press should be free.
Email's shakespearean quandary --
to bcc or not to bcc
Why did the singer strive to hit the lowest notes humanly possible?
He wanted to sing so low.
Why do so many ducks become Internet gurus?
They have webbed feet.
What should you call a deliberately destructive
What's the difference between a quilt and butter?
One is a bed spread.
The other is a bread spread.
A radio signal from Satan
is a hell ping.
Beware of podcasts.
They are made by pod people.
It's the invasion of the mind snatchers.
Title for a gossip column --
The Who's Doing Whom
Last year the Playboy Bunny didn't come on Easter.
She wasn't in the mood.
The pastry came out of the oven
with an image of the Virgin Mary
came to be known as
"the immaculate confection."
The widow went on Match to find a dependable man.
She dated one guy for 6 months, but still she didn't have faith in him. Finally, he pulled down his pants and said, "You can see very well that I'm depend-able."
Life is a modified waltz --
three steps forward and then two steps back.
The trick is to learn to time your turns
so your back steps carry you forward.
The Texan was excited that he was going to meet the King.
Then he was disappointed to find out the King wasn't Elvis.
What TV show is Voltaire famous for?
What's good name for an aroma theater,
a theater for smell performances?
How did the strip of blue paper get an education?
She went to collage
An alien species requires input from four males
to conceive a baby.
Their typical speech begins:
"Our four fathers..."
Did you hear about the windows that went on a blind date?
They were both shady characters.
What do bananas do when a party gets boring?
The Sandman used a dowsing stick,
and dug a sleeping well.
A professor who is strict about punctuation
is a comma kazie.
The femme fatale stopped drinking ale.
Now she's just a femme fat.
Why did the football star get a sex-change operation?
He wanted to be femme-ous.
Symptom of Twitter paranoia,
when you think no one is following you.
The would-be author bought a car
so he could write an auto-biography.
Then he went to the FBI
to find an agent,
and to a pub
to get publicity.
Finally he self-published,
shooting hundreds of selfies.
The would-be author wasn't going to write a trilogy.
He could tell his story in just two books.
So he applied to grad school
wanting to earn an MFA
What did Shakespeare say to Sir Francis Drake?
Do you need another quill in your quiver?
What did the Elizabethan publisher
say to the Christmas carolers?
You are singing to the quire.
The graphic artist was enormously successful
at a new online niche market.
He was an emo-gee-wiz.
After the Bible story,
Joseph founded an investment bank
and made a huge profit.
His slogan was --
"The writing is on the Wall Street."
She was having trouble in math
until her mother hired a handsome tutor for her.
Then she learned her tens tables fast.
He was an excellent ten is instructor.
Why did the cab driver study astronomy?
He wanted to find the Big Tipper.
He would never tell a lie,
because the lie would never believe him.
His friend said, "I agree completely. Ditto. Ditto."
So he answered. "Dit toes and dit fingers as well."
The book was proud to be promoted.
Now he was a promo sapiens.
Why are the days of the week sexist?
There's a Sonday but no Daughterday.
and it should be daughterable.
As he wrote it,
the novel kept expanding.
Every day, the end was near
but no nearer than it was the day before.
Clearly, the book was hard of nearing.
Beggars paid no attention
to General Sherman.
They knew he gave no quarter.
She had many allergies,
which helped her writing.
She could write epilogues
with her epipen.
Word coinage --
A mini LOL
should be called a LOLITA.
She got a rescue dog
because in the game of life
one-eyed dogs are wild.
Why did the author become a ham radio operator?
He wanted to hear people say --
"I read you! I read you!"
The doctor told the movie director
that his problems were all in his head.
So he ran a miniature fiber optic cable up his nose,
connected that to a video camera
and created a dramatic masterpiece.
Why was noon arrested?
Because he was driving while high.
The Navy is now recruiting pre-teen girls.
They will be known as Microwaves.
"Why do you have two Porsches?"
"In the morning I like to sit in my front Porsche,
and in the evening in my back Porsche."
She rented the appartment
because the building had a super,
and she just loved soup.
She was life-genic, rather than photo-genic.
She looked much better in real life.
She was fighting sexism in language
so instead of heating her house
she hert it.
She took the job
because they advertised a "drug-free workplace."
She wanted the free drugs
The house was freezing cold,
so he gave it a coat of paint.
After shoulder surgery
rehabilitation was taking too long.
She needed to heal faster.
So she wore high heals.
Scientists invented an amazing new fabric.
They could quickly and easily change its color
over and over again
to any color but pink.
The unpinkable had happened.
Suggested nostalgic deli offering --
a mellow yellow
What meat dish gets the most exercise?
Debt was an inspiration to Poe,
who wrote about the
bills, bills, bills, bills, bills...
To improve his wellness,
he hired a dowser, dug a well,
and touched it often,
feeling well every day.
for people who are tired of exercising
with a bunch of dumb bells.
murder of crows
pride of lions
gaggle of geese
giggle of jokes
The politician said, "In this time of crisis,
we need patience."
The doctor replied, "Hell, no!
The last thing we need is patients."
What is the plumber's favorite Christmas carol?
Eleven pipers piping.
He was exhausted
so he went to the rest room
looking forward to
the rest of the day.
Don't be precipitous.
Never make important decisions during a rain storm.
Prospero kept his conscience
in a conch shell
to protect it.
Then he blew it.
The unemployed thermometer
sought work through
a temp agency.
"Mind the gap!"
Isn't it outrageous that railroads, not only the US but in Europe
provide free advertising?
A burglar who hacks
home security systems
is known as
Lord of the Rings.
The United Nations should partner with 7-Up,
promoting the UNCola.
Advertising suggestion --
a koala bear drinking soda:
What do corpses eat?
When the last man in the world
meets the last woman,
what will he say?
When the last woman in the world
meets the last men,
what will she say?
The farmer hired him
because he had a receding hair line
and his fields needed reseeding.
She was pissed off by her
She was delighted to be
the first woman elected president,
and with a margin of victory
was clearly a mandate.
It had been many years since
she had last had a man date.
She was delighted to be
the first woman elected president
and with that margin of victory
was clearly a mandate.
It had been many years since
she had last had a man date.
What is the best news channel for authors?
The oyster fisherman was afraid his girl friend
would go for the guy with mussels.
The racist janitor would only take out
Thought experiment --
How many calories do you burn
thinking about exercise?
The retired opera star refused to go to a nursing home,
only to a sing home.
Why was the Pope in favor of the war against Iraq?
He heard that Saddam had weapons of mass destruction.
Trying to compete with the franchise gyms,
he offered not just exercise
How can people say that the Bible is against homosexuality?
It clearly says, "be fruitful."
The ghost was afraid he was gaining weight,
so every day he visited a priest
to get exorcise.
He refused to sit in the waiting room
for fear of gaining weight.
Name for online pharmacy --
Name for group medication web site --
A holiday for cleaning addicts
is called a vac-ation.
A cure for that addiction is called
A lady who had gone too long without kisses
went to Cape Canaveral
and stood under a rocket --
the missile toe.
He fell in love with a bear.
He barely knew her.
But she was bare all the time.
Why did the ogre go to Appalacia?
He had lots of cheese
but he needed crackers.
What do you call a college for cabinet makers?
Instead of leftovers,
author have writeovers.
What's a good name
for a rap artist
who tells terrible puns?
Ill and weak
she went to a casino
so she could feel bettor.
The account's theme song --
Deep in the heart of taxes.
What kind of sea creature
is good at making pies?
Suggested invention --
Hospital chip implant
that makes you think you are in a hospital
and being taken care of.
was a sue-er dweller.
Two old friends met on the deserted streets of their city.
"What brings you out?"
"I have to walk the dogs."
"But where are the dogs?"
"My feet, stupid. I have to give my feet a walk."
Do print-on-demand books on toilet-paper quality paper,
so they can be useful after reading,
and to promote sales of books to people who don't read at all.
The farmer called out to his hogs --
"Sui! Sui! Sui generis!"
"That's pig Latin."
When comedians go on hikes in the forest,
what do they always bring along?
What should you call a veterinarian
who specializes in canines?
What happened when the big wheels
got together for dinner.
They all spoke.
Did you hear about the guy
who had to take 100 meds a day?
He was the piller of the community.
What cheese is the most religious?
It's the holiest.
A grammarian created a new kind of medical practice --
What is the favorite weapon of a righteous lady?
The mare was annoyed that her mate was always horny.
Then she realized that he was a unicorn.
The agent refused to read his work because he didn't use a computer.
Then the agent realized this was the famous pirate --
Long Hand Silver.
What do you say when someone dies in Venice?
What illness is unique to gentiles?
What is COBOL?
An ancient geek language.
The concord grape's ambition was to become the raisin d'etre.
His brother just wanted to be raisin' hell.
What do rich Italians say to their babies?
"Gucci Gucci goo."
When the American student travelled to Spain, he was confident that he'd never go hungry on the bus. In a pinch, he could always eat the emergency salad (salida de emergencia)
What's a good name for an elementary school mathematics tournament?
Battle of the Sum
When will that mathematics tournament be held?
What do dogs say to one another at the start of a meal?
What does a Frenchman say when he knocks off someone's wig?
What is the polite thing to say when someone sneezes on you in Spain?
What was the theme song of the Cuban Revolution?
What do you call a bus travel nightmare?
A coach mar
What do you call a Spanish pig who is always asking why?
Por que Pig
What do cows and citizens of Barcelona have in common?
They both speak cattle-an
What did Barbra Streisand say to Arnold Schwarzenegger when he won Mr. America?
A Chinaman who signed up for a table tennis tournament was outraged by the color of the balls.
"I thought this was pink pong."
What did the Jewish lady say about the Protestant singer?
"He has an amazing goyce."
What do you call an Italian-Jewish resort for divorcees?
a spa gett
What do you call the recruiting period for Jewish fraternities and sororities?
What language do ropes speak?
Where in Paris can you buy underwear made out of bread?
The Boule Lingerie
Name an Argentinian communist comedian.
What's the favorite line-dancing music in Israeli bars?
Have a tequila
In France, an old lady with a job as a court recorder is known as a "noter dame".
What French Painter loved the colors red and black?
Janitor's philosophy --
Je pense donc je sweep.
To a Frenchman, what is the simplest, most unsophisticated drink?
In France, when a builder of highways has regrets,
he rues the day.
In Paris, what do you call a sudden craving for bread?
A pain-ic attack
In France, woman hugs her husband and whispers"
"Homme, sweet homme."
In August almost nothing is or sale in Paris.
It's all solde.
What is the sexiest town on the Rhone River?
What do you call the United Nations organization for the protection of snails?
What do you call a young French beggar?
I'd rather carpe deam than carpe diem --
Grab the goddess.
How do shell fish congratulate each other?
When Benedict Arnold retired, he became a caterer in Paris --
A single lady in France is known as an homme-less person.
What's the name of the French artist who cut off his ear and ran to Tahiti?
What university in Germany is designed for overweight students?
Tubingen (too big 'un)
How should you congratulate a Jewish weight-lifting champion?
Target in France is pronounced "Tarjay".
In India, it is the Tarjmahal.
What do you call the mother of all cherries?
Why was Carl Jung happier than Sigmund Freud?
Because he knew that he would be Jung forever.
Join the beet generation.
Definition of "apres new,"
the same new thing.
Name for French-American porno company --
When the suspect is an egotist,
cherchez la fame.
Extraterrestrials are big fans of German singing.
That's why they always say,
"Take me to your lieder."
A couple of Spanish letters
met by accent
and fell in love
tilde the end of time.
The three levels of English study --
English as second language
English as minute language
English as hour language.
Comparative and superlative adjectives --
First conjugation --
Let's do it.
First declension --
The Irish National Band
was banned in Boston
because it was
who colonized Spain
were among the first
to recognize the divinity of Christ,
with their newly acquired accent --
No sechs for you
sept if you okt right
and stop neuning me
by zehning things
that no elf ever should.
lead, lid, led
hide, hid, head
sleigh, slid, sled
both, bid, bed
want, won't, wed
Always take chocolate with you
when you travel far,
for a bon bon voyage.
How is a picture like a robot's foot?
It's a faux toe
Title of book about the wisdom of acupuncture --
The Japanese translation of that book--
The Secret of Nyms --
and nym wits
How do Spaniards toast?
I beer ya.
What do you call a Japanese mobster?
The policeman was disturbed to see on the menu
"cop au vin."
In the Middle Ages, the seats at the University of Paris were notorious for being uncomfortable.
That's how the school came to be known as
The Sore Bun.
When the choir was caught shoplifting,
the judge sent them to Sing Sing.
What did Czar Alexander II do to publishing in Russia?
He freed the serifs.
No longer would words be shackled in Times Roman.
Rather they would be free in Helvetica and Arial.
German math --
What number is the least moist?
the most fun?
the most sound of mind?
the most magical?
What is the theme song of the letter V?
I will follow U
What is the most generous letter?
You've often heard "thank q"
What letter is renowned for its archery?
He uses his L bow.
Which letter is an alcoholic?
You've heard of wine-o
What is the most romantic letter?
People often say "I love U".
On what day of the year are there only 25 letters in the alphabet?
Which letter is the boss of the alphabet?
You've heard of the Maitre D
Where does D live?
Beyond the C
The bizarre effects of the suffix "e" in English
Bizarre word pairs:
price and prize
spice and spies
lice and lies
vice and vies
rice and rise
nose and noise
toes and toys
was and ways
What is the most courageous letter?
O, as in brave o, or bravo
What is the most optimistic letter?
K, as in K sera sera.
What's the meanest letter in the alphabet?
You've heard to cruel T.
Which number spends a lot of time in the hospital?
He suffers from perpetual sixness.
Which number misbehaves more than any other number?
It's very naughty.
The number three had a longstanding problem with number five.
He could never get even.
Did you hear about the cute verb
who was prepositioned
an infinitive number of times?
As the French baby said,
"Chacun a son goo-goo."
How can you say love in three characters:
2 = 1
Old MacDonald loved his vowels,
e i e i o,
and on his farm he had a ewe...
The sentences fell in love
when their ellipses touched.
When 7 fell in love with 8, what did she say?
Two-character rebuke --
What did the conjunctions do when they fell in love?
They held ands.
The head of counter-intelligence was fired
because he can't see the first
for the threes.
The letter A fell for the letter F.
She loved his consonantal flair.
Proposed regenderfictation of English --
20, 30, and 40 all had the same problem --
they were all tens.
Gone didn't have that problem --
he was past tense.
An elderly couple stood on the bridge of a cruise ship and started singing loudly "A, e, i, o, u." over and over again.
The captain asked, "What are you doing?"
"Renewing our vowels."
What do they call the volunteers at Las Vegas hospitals?
What do you call a brilliant beautiful woman?
PhD = pretty hot dame
What did the cartographer and his wife do after lunch?
They had an afternoon map.
When hypnotists fall in love what do they do for dates?
They go trancing
What do you call a loose-moralled dental assistant?
Another name for a boat show -- ship tease
Why did a husband give his wife rouge, eyeliner, and lipstick for Christmas?
He was hoping for makeup sex.
Which came first, the chicken, the egg, or the teenage boy?
The teenage boy.
He was very horny
Which Paris church is the favorite of prostitutes?
When a shy man sees a beautiful lady at the buffet,
he rushes up and puts potato chips on her plate.
"What are you doing?" she asks.
"That's my way of saying I'd like to have a relation chip with you."
Title for a movie about Internet romance?
Love, Tweet Love
What dairy product is used as an aphrodisiac?
St Patrick's Day greeting:
I'm part Irish.
Keep kissing till you find the right part.
Another St. Patrick's Day greeting:
May all your off-color jokes be green.
Are you looking for an older man?
I guarantee I'll get older.
I'll get older every day,
Just for you.
That's true devotion.
What do you call a couple who just had sex for the first time?
What do you call a street-side matchmaker?
A meet-her maid.
Where are the best topless clubs in Italy?
When the grammarians married,
they exchanged vowels
Someone tried to borrow a cough lozenge from a lady of the night.
She replied, "I don't give away my sucrets."
An Egyptian princess reaching puberty and growing sizable breasts wanted to show them off. Her parents reprimanded her frequently, leading to her nickname --
Definition of a chastity belt.
What do you call it when a thief is caught by a waitress from Hooters?
What do you call a guy who has strong sexual needs?
She looks great in a little black dress,
but she would look even better in a freudian slip.
Name for new resort on the Pacific coast of Mexico -- Puerto Viagra
I'm looking for a one-life stand.
But you build a life one night at a time.
Are you free tonight?
The mendicant monk had no possessions,
so for Lent
he gave up celibacy.
What do you call a scientist who studies farts?
What do you call a hooker who is menstruating?
A period piece
What is the bible of grammarians?
The Comma Sutra.
When Members of the House want to have congress with escorts,
who pays the bill?
The Inappropriations Committee.
What kind of bed do newly weds prefer?
When the chicken and the egg had sex, which came first?
What do you call a gentile gigolo?
A goy toy
What do you call the study of sex?
Why did the Buddhist go to a nudist camp?
She preferred her yogi bare
The minister at a gay wedding pronounced, "I join you in holy patrimony."
The would-be Casanova majored in cliterature.
By law pharaohs had to mate with their sisters.
When a friend asked Cleopatra how she felt about this practice, she replied,
"He's very good inbred."
What do Moselms say to their girlfriends on February 14?
Will you be my veil-in-tine?
What do you call a successful prostitute?
A busy body
Why did the strip club owner buy a labrador retriever?
He wanted to offer lab dances.
Her vagina is a members-only club.
What's the favorite treat of male cats?
What does the Declaration of Independence have in common with a sex manual?
The opening words are "When intercourse..."
Why did Eve invent the first diet?
She wanted to keep her girlish fig.
What do you call an afternoon breast feeding session?
What's another word for a porn magazine?
A Moslem was having sexual performance problems.
So he went to his doctor who told him,
"Take four wives and call me in the morning."
What did the clam say to his girlfriend?
Shell we chowder together?
What did the sex pervert order for an appetizer?
What happens when a young girl eats too many pies?
She becomes a tart.
Why did the elevator button have trouble forming romantic relationships?
He was pressed, depressed, and repressed.
What do you call the back side of the knee?
"the knee pit"
and a kiss there is call a "kneep"
What's the most romantic fragrance?
Why was the trumpet player nervous about his first date with a wonderful woman?
He was afraid he would blow it.
As they neared climax, the lady said, "You're a nice man."
He replied, "The nice man cometh."
What European bug is associated with love?
The Roman tick.
A bride who marries well is well groomed.
"Honey, can you call room service, please."
"No dear. We're on our honeymoon. What you need is groom service."
How did the Lone Ranger meet his wife?
They were rangers in the night.
I love being with you.
I love being in you.
Pornographers write with pen and kink.
When the stripper slithered out of her underwear, what did the holy roller in the audience chant?
Recipe for love:
mix two souls
stir by hand
melt with passion
season to taste
repeat as desired
What's a favorite song about cuddling?
What's the favorite love song of apes?
Gorill of my dreams.
Heartbreak is emotion sickness.
What does the baker say to his loving wife?
Would you like to jump my scones?
What do you call a sexy English person?
What should you call the short version of the Kama Sutra?
When the hula dancer caught the attenton of the entire crew goggling, what did the capain say?
loose hips sink ships
When a poor Arab proposed to his rich girl friend, she was delighted that he was poor.
That meant she would be his sole mate.
Why did the lady dance with a computer in her hand?
She wanted to give her partner a laptop dance.
The fork fell in love with a knife in shining armor.
Toast to a hooker --
An older woman going on Match.com is going antique shopping.
When Joseph used a condom, what was the event called?
The immaculate contraception.
What do you call a stripper's cleavage?