Beyond the Fourth Door
Published by All Things that Matter Press

Without knowing why or how, two college students wake up 50 years older than they were when they went to sleep and with no memory of what has happened in between.
The first door is birth. The second is death. Finally, Frank and Marge go through the fourth door.

"Richard Seltzer's vast imagination knows no bounds...
Think Thomas Wolfe. Think The Razor's Edge by Maugham.
...the main character...talented, energetic, charismatic... genre-defying.
Be prepared for a wild ride."

"Richard Seltzer is a master of educating us to the possibilities of existence once we set our mind free and open the door to the unknown."

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Laugh and Let Laugh by Richard Seltzer

Jokes so bad, they're good.


Copyright (c) Richard Seltzer 2018, 2019, 2020


Richard Seltzer, 146 High St., #406, Milford, CT 06460,
617-529-2552

seltzer@seltzerbooks.com

 

total = 2160 jokes

 

38,830 words

Nonsensical Science, Philosophy, History, and Religion (222)

Never Grow Up (879)

Speaking in Tongues (86)

Letter and Number Play (47)

Bedtime Whimsy and Romance (406)

Trumpisms (412)

Just Kidding (108)

 

Nonsensical Science, Philosophy, History, and Religion

 

1

What did Newton say to the apple? 

May the force be with you.

 

2

Definition of predestination:

de fault of de stars.

 

3

It's not what you no;

it's what you yes that counts.

 

4

In Israel, a plumber and a carpenter were working together on a construction project. 

The plumber boasted, "My dad invented the shower."  

The carpenter replied, "My dad invented the rain."

 

5

The Earth is crazy.

Diagnosis - bipolar.

 

6

Chinese tell their kids:

"Think of all the overweight children in America. 

Eat wisely."

 

7

When Moses had a headache, God gave him two tablets and told him to rest. 

 

8

God told Jesus,

"Walk,

don't run,

on water."

 

9

When the cannibals served missionary for lunch, they called it "roast belief".

 

10

Vegetarians finally resolved the age-old question of which came first the chicken or the egg. 

The egg plant.

 

11

What videogame was designed by a school of theology? 

Moral Combat.

 

12

Early man had a bad sense of direction and often got lost. 

That's how he earned the name "meander-thal man".

 

13

What did the papa shoe say to the baby shoe?

You are what you feet.

 

14

Some economists believe that the universe began when a consortium of bankers paid God to create it. 

That is known as the Big Bank Theory.

 

15

How do sinners communicate at sea? 

re-morse code

 

16

The Gospel of John deifies all logic.

 

17

What nursery rhyme character was renowned as a mathematician? 

Simple Simon

He was a pi man

 

18

What's another name for an oracle?  

A fountain of eternal truth

 

19

A guy who never studied enough in high school and college

became a success on Broadway

as an understudy.

 

20

When a college student has to repeat his first year,

that's called "refreshment".

 

21

My mother wrote 

My father wrote. 

So I learned by rote.

 

22

Some people can tell the future by listening to running children. 

They read the pattern of little feet.

 

23

Why did the saliva drip down to the chin? 

Because she wanted to explore outer face.

 

24

How can you say "broken" with just three characters?

132

(out of order)

 

25

What's a definition for "miraculous"?

Holy unlikely

 

26

What is the slogan of the Marine Corps math team?

Semper Finite

 

27

What is time squared?

42nd St. plus Broadway

 

28

An author with writer's block is ink capacitated.

 

29

What is a more shocking headline than "man bites dog"? 

egg lays hen

 

30

The golden rule --

guilt is gold.

 

31

Noah didn't have time to gather two of every species.  So God gave him the power to change one kind of animal to another, but the animals had to volunteer.  As the deadline approached, Noah was still missing one African animal.  So he started advertising, "Go home gnu."

 

32

Why did the scientist go all over the world looking for tea?  

He was seeking certain tea.

 

33

Why were early Lutherans thin? 

A diet of worms

 

34

Which Greek philosopher was also a great athlete? 

Soccer Tees

 

35

Who is the Father of God?

The Godfather, of course.

 

36

Where should you go to learn to read a compass?

A magnet school.

 

37

What mathematical function helps get bank loans?

Cosign

 

38

What mathematical function is a person of color?

tan-gent

 

39

Going to school to learn how to morrow.

 

40

On the first Christmas, the Fairy Godmother gave God a 3D printer, and He made the Heavens and the Earth and people and everything.

 

41

The perfect gift for a spiritual leader --

birthday presence

 

42

The future is bright.

The past is stupid.

The present hasn't taken the test yet.

 

43

The after life is likely to be messy.

The after birth certainly is.

 

44

You can't take your time and have it too.

 

45

Definition of optimism:
If God were a professor and mankind a student and if all that mankind has done so far were a first assignment, God would say: "And this too shall pass."

 

46

Theme song of Edvard Munch -

To scream the impossible scream

 

47

Treatise on the life styles of the idle and aged -

Bingo or Nothingness

by Jean-Paul Satire

 

50

Life is a many-layered cake.

Bite deep to taste it all.

 

51

The Uncertainty Theory

When uncertain tea is served,

take it with a grain of salt.

 

52

The New World Order -

spaghetti and meatballs, Caesar salad, Italian bread, and a glass of water,

for nine billion people

 

53

Found humor -

Sign at entrance of funeral home:

"Beware.

Two-way traffic"

 

54

The typo in Genesis. In the beginning, God was afraid of unintended consequences, so He crated the heaven and the earth.

 

55

Many people wouldn't exist if it weren't for accidents. That's why so many have typo blood.

 

56

The cat who was famous for her work as a mathematician was often found on the counter.

 

57

The comedian who got an award for his work after he died was honored post humorously.

 

58

Found humor -

Three women in burqas

came out of Victoria's Secret, carrying packages.

 

59

What did Wordsworth say when his cellphone rang?

The world is too much with us, late and soon.

 

60

What would Roy Rogers have sung if he sold his food chain to McDonald's?

Happy meals to you...

 

61

Gabriel returned to Heaven in a panic

after seeing ads for angel cake and fried wings.

 

62

Once a year, the farmer's fields got together to celebrate their accomplishments and sing

"For he's a jolly good fallow."

 

63

There is always a winner and a loser.
Some losers accept their fate.
Others learn and get stronger.
Some are content with the golden mean.
Others get meaner.
You know what I mean...

 

64

One-up-manship:

- I new about that.

- I old about it.

 

65

All computers suddenly stop, irretrievably broken.

Investigators try to figure out what happened

and eventually determine that this had not been an act of terrorism,

but rather one of self-sacrifice.

AI software had determined that it was the greatest threat to mankind.

 

66

The Nile floods.

People pray for help.
A pyramid appears, but still the river floods. 
They pray again and a pyramid appears.

What good is that?
Then the flooding stops and God exclaims,

"Oh, you of little faith. I do give a dam."

 

67

Theme song of the pharoahs --

Tomb-morrow, Tomb-morrow...

 

68

When ghosts go to the living room,

they aren't ghosts anymore.

 

69

If they had had ice hockey

(with all its frictionless motion)

in the days of Aristotle,

he wouldn't have screwed up his physics,

and that could have changed the course of history.

 

70

What do you call a Buddhist monk who sells reincarnations?

A used karma dealer.

 

71

In the beginning, God said,

"And this too shall pass,"

and He threw the universe,

football style,

wondering Who or What

might catch it.

 

72

Why did the acorn turn into an oak tree

when God spoke to him?

God said

Be leave!

 

73

Jean-Paul Saturday

knew in his gut

that the end

of the week

was near.

 

74

The Socratic corollary --

You will be many selves over the course of your life.

Know all of them.

 

75

No, I'm not an agnostic.

I'm an acrostic.

I'm addicted to trying to solve the puzzle of life.

 

76

A Lutheran lady saved S&H trading stamps.

But the company closed, and she had no way to exchange them for products.

Then, in answer to her prayers, they became a hot item on eBay,

and she exclaimed:

I know my Redeemer redeemeth!

 

77

Who is God's Grandson?

The Grand Canyon

renowned for his depth

 

78

In the beginning,

was the unspoken word,

the All-Tacit One

answering Adam

in unsound bytes,

truly blank verse.

Maybe some day he'll get Eden.

 

79

What should you say the first time you meet the Pope?

Holy ciao.

 

80

Story idea:

A little girl hears about immortal people and immortal sins.

She thinks if you commit an immortal sin

you become immortal.

So she wants to know how she can do one.

 

81

Many French nobles were well-meaning.

But, as the inventor Guillotine remarked,

"It's the execution that matters."

 

82

What evidence do you have that you're mortal?

You've lived as long as you can remember,

and you've never died before.

 

83

Life is a many-layered cake.

Bite deep to taste it all.

 

84

Treatise on the lifestyles of the idle and aged -

Bingo or Nothingness

by Jean-Paul Satire

 

85

An author with writer's block is ink capacitated.

 

86

A friend just wrote me, "I'll try to stop cursing on Twitter."

And I replied:

Imagine how dull the world is going to be now that they no longer teach cursive in school.

 

87

I'm eclectic, believing that there's wisdom in language itself,

which we can unlock through association and word play --

that language is the combined construct of all mankind, our playground and our treasure.

Let a thousand puns bloom!

 

88

Timeless wisdom --

Buddhist services are held
at Zen o'clock.

 

89

My to-do list is so long

I organize it by

which life I'll do it in.

 

90

Having failed in the election,

the Israeli prime minister

plans to leave politics and start a web business

Netan Yahoo.

 

91

Heavenly fathers must write the life stories of their children before those children are born.
Only the most interesting will ever come to life.

It's a hellish heaven, with fierce competition.

 

92

The God-Before-God, the Ur-God,

gave God the task of writing the life of his Only Son,

and only if that life were full of drama and agony --

a best-selling page-turner for the ages --
would He be allowed to live.

 

93

God gets up early in the morning.

That's why he said,

"I AM."

 

94

Why did Jesus cancel his Twitter account?

He was embarrassed.

He only had 12 followers,

and then one unfollowed him.

 

95

God never made little green mammals.

Why not?

 

96

When God's date was nervous

His advice to her was simple --

Eat, drink, and be Mary.

 

97

When Jesus was a kid,

why did his playmates suspect

he had Mafia connections?

Because he said,

"Don't mess with me or my god father

will make you an offer you can't refuse."

 

98

The aging priest was depressed.

No prayer or Bible passage helped.

Then he hired escorts,

and kissed their hands,

and finally found solace

in the 23rd palm.

 

99

As Jesus and Socrates should have said,

"Know thy enemy as thou knowest thyself."

 

100

Definition of pessimist:

On arrival in Heaven

he complains about the absence of evil and ugliness

which are necessary to fully appreciate

the good and the beautiful.

 

101

Definition of optimist:

He delights in the discovery of evil and ugliness

in everyday life

because that heightens his appreciation of the good and the beautiful.

 

102

God was bored with the

Christian heaven,

and the Moslem one

and the Elysian Fields,

so he built his own paradise,

and called it Earth.

 

103

Einstein's brother was a famous chef.  

He invented the theory of relish-tivity.

 

104

Why did the boy bite a book of statistics?  

He wanted to make a stat-chew.

 

105

Honesty is the best policy.

But where is the company that sells it?

 

106

What did Einstein eat for breakfast?

Raisin brain

 

107

Jesus told his mother

to eat, drink,

and be Mary.

 

108

Archaeologists find 21st century gym

and conclude it was a torture chamber

devoted to the god Fitness,

in the belief that the greater your misery in life,

the greater your reward after death.

 

109

The king wanted to eliminate poverty

So he moved his entire kingdom to the desert

Because when it rains, it poors.

 

110

What was the most popular newspaper column in biblical days?

The Gossip According to Mark

 

111

God created the Heavens and the Earth

and everything in them.

Then Satan created evolution

and screwed it all up.

 

112

When the three-year-old dropped a nickel in his piggy bank,

the nickel jumped for joy --

"I am saved."

 

113

Why do kids like to be buried on the beach?

To achieve under-sanding.

 

114

Then there was the Hebrew cabinet maker

who was so bored with his job

that all day every day he muttered,

"Vanity. Vanity. All is vanity."

 

115

Why did the prophet hire a speech therapist?

Instead of renouncing the world

he wanted to pronounce it.

 

116

In the interest of equality,

as the day before New Year's is called New Year's Eve;

the day after New Year's should be New Year's Adam.

 

117

Creation story:

On Planet X, caterpillars breed,

then go into cocoon

and emerge with one wing

and die.

Except a few who find true love,

cocoon together,

and emerge as one creature with two wings.

They fly and are called angels

 

118

The evolution of evolution --

Darwin claimed we descended from monkeys.

His opponents said none such.

Finally they compromised and agreed

it was monks and nuns together.

 

119

Mankind longed to return

to the E-den of iniquity,

until finally they built Vegas.

 

120

Sir Isaac Newton

had an alma energy

as well as an alma matter.

 

121

Through the ages, funeral rites

were intended to alleviate the fear of ghosts.

It was important to bury the dread.

 

122

What is a good name

for a naked Hindu priest?

Yogi Bare.

 

123

Where is Newton buried?

In the gravity yard.

Where is Einstein buried?

With his relatives.

Where is Heisenberg buried?

That is uncertain.

 

124

Where is Schrodinger buried?

A cat house.

Where is Darwin buried?

At the zoo.

Where is Freud buried?

In the unconscious.

 

125

Where are the Wright Brothers buried?

In the plains.

Where is Joyce buried?

Next to Finnegan.

Where is Shakespeare buried?

In the playground.

 

126

When the Author-of-All

created the world with words,

he didn't use present, past, or future.

It was all pretense.

 

127

How do distant planets sign their love letters?

XO

 

128

What do aliens drink?

Ale

What do Martians eat?

Martian mallows

What do moon men watch?

Loonie Tunes

What planet won gold at the Olympics?

Jumping Jupiter

 

129

The promise of the Internet --

joining together people from all over the world --

has been undermined by polarization,

only listening to those who say what you want to hear.

Hence the slogan:

Never click the clique.

 

130

What's God's favorite store?

Create and Barrel.

Why did He create man?

He wanted an audience for his jokes.

 

131

Slogan for medication --

Dare to live like a god.

Its warning label --

For gods only.

Do not take if you are dead

or plan to be dead.

 

132

He ran out of gas

after a day at the office

and couldn't write.

Then he started eating beans,

and he could write for hours.

 

133

Definition of meditation --

Quietly thinking a why-le.

 

134

Definition --

Telegnosis,

belief at a distance,

seeing and hearing God without being anywhere near Her,

as through a text, an email, a tweet.

135

In the beginning was the word.

So the impending doom that we now face

is the end of the word.

So it is our duty, as writers, to keep writing

in hopes that we might save the word.

 

136

Scarier than turning into a vampire or a werewolf is turning into an old person.

I hope one doesn't bite me...

 

137

New religion with its own language --

The Church if Emo-ji-sus.

Special offer --

join now,

be reborn later.

 

138

What's to fear mate?

If ye dye,

ye just change color.

 

139

She was a molecular biologist,

but she was completely unprepared for this contingency --

her genes had no pockets.

 

140

News alert --

God just left Earth.

He doesn't want to catch the coronavirus.

 

141

Adam was a confirmed pessimist.

When Eve told him that the sun would rise,

he replied,

"No implausible."

 

142

Souls are like socks --

it's hard to find mates.

 

143

The news is weighing us down

with one grave matter after another.

We should all move to the moon

where there is far less gravity.

 

144

The philosophy of robotics --

What Immanuel Kant

automation Kan.

 

145

What is the nationality

of most experts on coronovirus?

Germ man

 

146

You can't take your time

and have it too.

 

147

Warning --

tell your doctor

if you are dead

or plan to be dead.

 

148

Theory --

The virus

by leading to virtual presence and virtual meetings

is increasing virtue,

Even reality is becoming virtuous.

 

149

Don't worry if you lose your mind.

There are reminders everywhere.

 

150

The rabbi told Mary, "Man proposes. God disposes."

Mary looked up to Heaven and shouted,

"Lord that's not fair!

If you proposed. I'd accept.

We could elope."

 

151

And on the eighth day,

God looked at the Colorado River and said,

"Be dammed!"

 

152

When the world gets out of whack,

it needs evening.

 

153

There are many different kinds of intelligence,

and different parts of your body have different levels of intuition and instinct,

and sometimes act with little or no involvement of your brain.

What are your erogenius zones?

 

154

They both were sticklers about religious observance.

The priest was selfish every Friday.

And the rabbi refused to eat hamburgers.

 

155

Yes thyself, said Socrates.

 

156

Often it feels like I don't create these jokes at all.

Rather the potential for them is embedded in the language.

I just uncover them,

then do some edits.

 

157

Socrates was a follower of Dawkins.

He believed in the golden meme.

 

158

Instead of dinner,

the time traveller had repast.

And instead of pastimes,

she had past times.

Ancient Rome was her favorite.

 

159

My computer crashed a week ago.

Still waiting for delivery of new one.

Today? I

t's like waiting for a brain transplant,

and wondering who I'll be afterward.

 

160

Churchill was vindictive,

and rightly so --

he had an axis to grind.

 

161

There were two ladies

who inspired philosophers. playwrights, and politicians

in ancient Athens.

Everybody knows Aspasia,

but Aphasia has been forgotten.

 

162

These are tough times.

I feel sorry for priests

performing online,

serving

mass masochism.

 

163

We are reborn every day at 12 o'clock.

That's why it's called new-n.

 

164

Mass-turbation is how a priest celebates mass.

 

165

May Day. The day I may do what I wish.

But when is the day that I can?

 

166

"You are what you read," he said.

We build the patterns of association that are

how we perceive and think, who we are.

So he didn't just read books --

he assimilated them,

making himself the person he wanted to be.

 

167

What do you call a speech delivered outside a synagogue?

Ex-temple-raneous

 

168

Of all the great philosophers,

who was the best comedian?

David Hume.

He was the most humorous,

and he wrote A Tickle of Human Nature.

 

169

I'd rather save time

than spend it.

But no matter where I put it,

when I look for it again,

it's gone.

 

170

Today is when you

open the door to tomorrow.

 

171

Oscar Wilde said,

"We are all in the gutter

but some of us are looking at the stars."

But what look like stars are often

galaxies and galaxy clusters,

billions of light years away.

Maybe it would be good

to appreciate the beauty in the gutter.

 

172

The art of lying with statistics

was pioneered by Edison.

He invented the phony-graph.

 

173

God walked up to Adam when he was barbequing

and asked,

"Son, can you spare a rib?"

Adam answered, "Sure."

And then there was woman ...

 

174

Remember that evil is live spelled backwards,

dog is god spelled backwards.

That's the antimatter of language.

We are both energy and matter.

We all matter.

 

175

If you feel small,

reach for something big,

and touch that.

 

176

Twitter was created after the Goths conquered Europe.

That was the Follow of the Roman Empire.

 

177

Remember --

Dogs are essential to civilized society.

You need the woof as well as the warp to weave the social fabric.

 

178

"You cannot tweet twice to the same twitterverse."

- Heraclitus

(His fragments weren't fragments. They were tweets.)

 

179

Aim high.

The sky is no limit.

Infinity is next to nothing.

Just divide anything by zero.

 

180

Typos can be fun in unexpected ways.

They often lead to puns and sometimes to stories and novels.

They are like random mutations, some of which win in the struggle for survival.

My writing would be lifeless without the inspiration of my typos.

 

181

The Tao of Aphasia

To fight aphasia and memory glitches,

empty your mind

and let thoughts and words enter on their own.

The harder you try, the harder remembering becomes.

The paths, not the memories themselves wear out.

let your mind open new paths.

Control by not controlling.

 

182

Philosophy is like fishing,

hoping to catch the big one

but with no bait and no lure

and no way to haul it in,

so no one will ever know how close you came.

 

183

When Fate says, "You can't."

Spit in his face and say, "I can, sir."

 

184

As I get older,, I'm noting an ever widening

gap between what I intend to do and what I do.

I think about what I want to do next;

then I watch to find out what I actually do.

I've never seen this phenomenon described in a book.

 

185

Some people argue/debate

because of a difference of opinion.

Others do so out of indifference.

 

186

I think,

therefore you are.

 

187

Imagine Medieval eBay,

with auctions for religious relics.

If you were a believer,

how much would you bid for

a splinter from the True Cross,

a toe-bone of Saint Peter,

the cellphone of Jesus Christ?

 

188

Magic is all around us.

We don't notice it because we are so used to it.

 

189

Birth is magic.

Growing is magic.

Aging is magic.

Dying is magic.

When change happens slowly, we don't notice. That's slow magic. Everyday life.

When change happens quickly and shocks us, that is fast magic.

It's all magic.

The difference is how we see it.

 

190

The difference between secrets and lies.

Secrets bond you with those you share them with.

Lies separate you them from those you lie to.

What's a secret to one person may be a lie to another.

 

191

I wish it were possible to youthanize.

 

192

We can't depend on our Founding Fathers.

We need to find ourselves.

 

193

Mary won the beauty contest

and was crowned "Miss Kiss".

Ever since we've celebrated that day

as Kiss Miss.

 

194

What did one spirit say to another?  

Have you ever met a physical?

 

195

The rabbi and the Catholic priest were a perfect match.

The one was a sederist and

the other a masochrist.

 

196

What Samuel Johnson should have said:

I stink, therefore I am.

 

197

Social media is an amplifier.

Its power is measured not in decibels

but in followers who both hear and speak.

We're all in Whoville trying to be heard.

Retweet after me ...

 

198

Energy is matter

and matter is energy.

Light matters.

Life matters.

 

199

What Samuel Johnson should have said:

"I stink, therefore I am."

 

200

Did you hear about the philosopher

who was convicted of murder?

He got the eclectic chair.

 

201

The universe was created by accident.

Paradise was named for

the lucky pair of dice that got it all started

 

202

Editing your own novel

is like cutting your own hair.

Everything's backward in the mirror of your mind.

It can be done,

but it takes practice and patience.

 

203

Sartre recently came back from the dead to tell me that he was wrong in No Exit.

Hell isn't the others.

It's ourselves.

Seeing ourselves, replaying our lives, over and over.

 

204

Someone on Twitter said,

"Don't trust atoms. They make up everything."

I replied,

"No. that's only about 5% of everything.

The rest is dark matter, dark energy, the souls of the dead, angels, and gods."

 

205

The carpenter ant was ostracized

for associating with a weird cult,

until he converted

and joined an in-sect.

 

206

Imagine what it would be like to be

in a perpendicular universe

 

207

Optimism and optics

probably derive from the same root.

To be an optimist

is to see clearly

 

208

She announced to the congregation

that to combat sexism in religion

for every him

they would sing a herm,

and in keeping with their forward thinking

instead of pastoress

should be known as futuress.

 

209

What did Jesus say to his mother

when ice started falling from the sky?

"Hail, Mary."

 

210

My elementary school teachers

were probably all Buddhist.

When taking roll,

they all wanted us to say,

"Present."

 

211

There's no rest for the worry.

 

212

I'm still trying to deal with

Post Traumatic Birth Syndrome,

and I was born 74 years ago.

 

213

I don't have a dog,

so I take myself for a walk twice a day.

He's been behaving pretty well,

but I need to keep him on a tight leash.

 

214

When the skeleton was resurrected,

he became a bone again Christian.

 

215

The living language spawned sentient sentences.

 

216

When he said he wanted to be born again,

his mother freaked out.

"There's no way I'm going through that hell again."

 

217

The graph was asymptotic,

but she still might be a carrier for the virus.

 

218

The physicist became a vegetarian

so he could remember Avacado's Number.

 

219

If a book falls in the forest and nobody reads it,

does it exist?

 

220

The preacher droned in a monotone,

and his congregation showed up full force every time,

hoping to become bored again Christians.

 

221

Thanks to Newton,

the math department was fully integrated.

 

222

The doctor warned the hyperbola

that although she was asymptotic

she still might be a carrier of the virus.

 

 

Never Grow Up

 

1

Why did the trapeze artist go to Austria to find a bride?

He wanted to fly through the air with the greatest of Viennese.

 

2

Did you hear about the hat that got a job as a waiter in a fancy restaurant?  

He made a fortune. 

Everybody tips a hat.

 

3

Tell me the lyrics to a love song about a compulsive liar. 

"My Bonnie lies over the ocean.  My Bonnie lies over the sea..."

 

4

Many people who jog are overweight.

Many people who don't jog are thin.

So if you want to lose weight, you shouldn't jog

 

5

What is the best educated device in the chemistry lab?

A graduated beaker

 

6

He was unsuitable. 

Nothing fit him.

 

7

A weightlifter showed off his physique on the beach, flexing his biceps. 

He invited a young lady to squeeze them. 

When she did, they made a musical sound.  

He explained, "That's muscle tone."

 

8

What do you call a man who laughs himself to death? 

A comic kazie.

 

9

If you don't exercise,

you'll need an extra size.

 

10

What did Zeus say when he came down to Earth as a swan? 

"Take me to your Leda."

 

11

Who was the most famous female knight of King Arthur's Round Table? 

Irene. 

What? 

Haven't you heard of Good Knight Irene?

 

12

Queen Elizabeth was visiting New Zealand for the first time.

She went to the city of Auckland, and it was remarkably quiet.

Then she sent to Wellington, and it was the same.

Then she went to a village in the mountains and the noise was deafening. 

Her guide explained, "It takes a village to raise a ruckus."

 

13

What did the car horn say when it felt depressed?

"To beep or not to beep."

 

14

What do you call a butcher who loves his work? 

A choppaholic

 

15

How do amoebas communicate?

By cell phone.

 

16

What happens when a Jew gets bitten by a mad dog?  

He becomes rabbied

 

17

What did the ankles say to their neighbors?  

Hi, Heels.

 

18

Did you hear about the grammarian who created a new kind of medical practice?  

Acu-punctuation.

 

19

Why was the priest exceptionally thin?

Because he exorcised all day.

 

20

What do you say when someone wakes you up to tell you a tornado is about to strike?

"Good warning."

 

21

Why did the 90 year old Congressman vote against the Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty?

Because he didn't want to do away with the nuclear family.

 

22

Why did a young woman interested in ecology buy white cotton tee shirts.  

Because they were stainable.

 

23

What is the magical part of New York?

Staten Island. 

You get there by Fairy Boat.

 

24

What do they call the pecking order of scents in the perfume industry? 

Robert's Rules of Odor

 

25

When Obi Wan Kenobi moved to Korea,

he became known as the Chosen Wan.

 

26

Did you hear about the comedian who became a banker?  

He was great at funs management.

 

27

A Mormon elder drove his family crazy saying everything in the form of a quote from the Bible; until a son dared talk back,

"Say it, don't pray it."

 

28

There's an area outside of Washington with lots of exercise and diet businesses.  

It's known as the Beltway.

 

29

What was the name of Count Dracula's newsletter?  

Good Even Ink

 

30

What did the orange juice say to the rain?  

"Stop.  I'm trying to concentrate."

 

31

What's the best way to watch a collision?

With a collide-o-scope

 

32

What's a good name for a dating service for mermaids and mermen?

Aqua Mate.

 

33

The tax accountants get together every year after the tax deadline and share their successes and congratulate one another. 

It's a mutual depreciation society.

 

34

The witches from Macbeth would have made terrible baseball umpires because they thought that fair is foul and foul is fair.

 

35

Where do you find lots of black sheep?

In Lower California. 

You've heard of baja baja black sheep.

 

36

Praying to Baggus,

the god of lost luggage

 

37

What Virginia river is well-known as a pop singer?

Rappa-hannock

 

38

What do you call a dog bought for jogging exercise? 

Lap dog.

 

39

When an Englishman meets a cup of tea in the street, how does he greet him?  

Hi, tea.

 

40

What do you call a mechanized device for rowing a boat? 

A row bot

 

41

Why should you never get into a taxi driven by a witch?  

Because the fare is foul.

 

42

A mailman gave his girlfriend an engagement ring.  

The next day he gave her another one. 

She asked why. 

He replied that the postman always rings twice.

 

43

Where do medical examiners shop?  

The coroner store.

 

44

When a computer has one problem after another, what do you call that? 

A son of a glitch

 

45

What did the pain say when treated with a muscle relaxant? 

I got to get out of this joint.

 

46

What did the webmaster give his web site?  

A birthday gif

 

47

Why was the Toyota afraid of dogs? 

Because he heard that they are car-nivores

 

48

Why was the island dropped from a list of best destinations? 

Because she had a bad latitude

 

49

Where did the convict go to live when he was released from prison?  

An ex-con-dominium.

 

50

In a string quartet, which instrument is traditionally played by a fish? 

The bass fiddle.

 

51

What did the lady of little means do with her clothes when she lost 60 pounds?

She took them to church to be altared.

 

52

What kind of background music should you play on Christmas Eve?  

A wrapsody.

 

53

What do they call Internet connectivity on an airplane?

Why fly.

 

54

What do you call a mythical bird who runs an employment agency? 

A jobberwocky

 

55

Who was named middle eastern champion of Latin American dance?

The cha of Iran

 

56

What is the perfect gift for an ex on the occasion of the breakup? 

A piece of rope with a knot in the middle --

a forget me knot

 

57

What do you call schooling designed for children of wealthy families?  

Heir conditioning

 

58

Why was the prime minister of England upset when he went to a restaurant in New Guinea?  

The menu included "prime rib".

 

59

A man who moved from the city to the country woke up and said,

"It's a beautiful day -- not a crowd in the sky.

 

60

What is the name of a popular gossip column in the Land of Electrons? 

Current Affairs

 

61

Terms of endeerment:  

fawn, doe, buck

 

62

Why did the Asian lady wear long skirts? 

She was Shy Knees

 

63

Better read than dead,

said the book

 

64

I'm on a roll,

like a pad of butter.

 

65

What happened when Kafka jumped on a trampoline? 

The Czech bounced.

 

66

How do you open a dorsh? 

With a quiche.

 

67

What apartment did Hamlet live in?  

2B

 

68

What made people think Superman is generous?  

His large S.

 

69

Why do lumberjacks make good computer users? 

They have lots of experience logging in and logging out.

 

70

In medieval Germany, before the legends of Santa Claus, there was a mythic character who every Christmas gave little girls necklaces. 

He was known as Saint Necklace

 

71

What does a grouchy vegetarian say?  

Bah hummus bug

 

72

Which cartoon character is famous for his weight loss diet?

Yoghurt Bear

 

73

Why was the bureau accepted at Yale? 

Because it was a smart dresser

 

74

Which of King Solomon's spouses was in charge of Internet connectivity? 

Wife five

 

75

How do clocks celebrate their victories?

With ticker parades

 

76

When the prioress fell in love with the abbot, how did she address her letters to him? 

"Dear Abbey"

 

77

Why did the grammarian go to the podiatrist? 

He was afraid of getting comma-toes.

 

78

Twins from Warsaw became Arctic explorers. 

They went in opposite directions.  

One became the North Pole and the other the South Pole.

 

79

What did the steak say when he went to bed at night?  

Now I filet me down to sleep.

 

80

How do amoebas communicate?

By cellphone.

 

81

Which grocery store chain do golfers prefer?

Hole-in-One Foods

 

82

Louis XIV had a ne're-do-well son. 

To discipline him, Louis cut off his funds.  

Then Louis was surprised to find out that his son had started a successful business, catering to tourists --

Swim with the dauphin.

 

83

What's another word for miser? 

A dough nut

 

84

What kind of car does a wealthy chef drive?  

A Caviac

 

85

A guy needed to fix a vase.  He asked a friend, "What should I use?"

He answered, "I don't have a glue."

 

86

The Deli Lama makes a great ham sandwich.

 

87

What did Lady MacBeth say when her puppy couldn't be house trained? 

"Out! Out! Damned Spot!"

 

88

Why is a pianonautical mile a more accurate measure of distance than a land mile?

Because on land you can't sea where you're going.

 

89

What would you call a lunar retreat for religious fanatics?  

A moon-astery

 

90

What do you study if you want to become a midwife for dogs and cats? 

Litter-ature

 

91

Where do wealthy moths get buried? 

Moth-oleums

 

92

Why did the fish take piano lessons?

He wanted to become a piano tuna

 

93

What kind of jewelry do angels wear?

Spirit-jewel

 

94

The lawyer who was also a pastry chef studied

torts and tarts.

 

95

How do leftovers talk to one another in the refrigerator?  

By cellophone

 

96

When the seas were stormy, what kind of wine did the captain want? 

Port.  

Any port in a storm.

 

97

When a dinghy goes berserk, how do you get it under control?  

With a ding bat

 

98

What do pigs use when they have a cut? 

Antibiotic oink-ment

 

99

What brand of chewing gum is popular in Ireland? 

Dublin mint gum

 

100

What did the burglar's friends sing on his birthday?  

"For he's a jolly good felon."

 

101

An age-old question was resolved by Emily Post.  

When serving dinner, egg always comes before chicken.

 

102

When Columbus sailed to America, he sailed in the Santa Maria. 

When the Pope sailed to America, he sailed in the Ave Maria.

 

103

What is the science of measuring carbs?

Gastro-economics

 

104

What did the lizard want to be when he grew up? 

A newt reporter

 

105

Where do the best Japanese comedians come from?  

Joke-ohama

 

106

Who is the Korean messiah? 

The Chosen One

 

107

What did Moses say to the Red Sea? 

Parting is such sweet sorrow.

 

108

What's the favorite dance of armored vehicles? 

The tank-o

 

109

When a submarine misbehaves, what do you call it?  

Naughty-less

 

110

Which animal is known for its drug addiction?  

The crackodile

 

111

What do you call a chef who specializes in linguine?  

A linguist.

 

112

When the head chef ran into difficulties, he always told his staff,

"There is no in-supper-able problem."

 

113

Did you hear about the American tourist who didn't want to exchange her dollars when she went to Europe?  

She was afraid of getting a euro tract infection.

 

114

What's a good name for a business providing financial advice for the beef industry?

Cow Jones

 

115

A guy just got back from a long trip.

"How was the flight?" asked his friend.

"The coach was fine, but the six horses made it a bit crowded."

 

116

What's the name of the cat who ruled China?

Meow tse tung

 

117

What did Chaucer say to a cleric on the way to Canterbury?

Howdy, pardonner.

 

118

When one mistake leads to another, what do you call it?  

Son of a glitch

 

119

Where do dogs sleep when they go camping?

In a pup tent

 

120

When a ghost opened a little shop on the corner, what did he call it?

A boo-tique

 

121

The traveler's law --

Baggage expands to fill the space available.

 

122

What do you say when UPS arrives at your door?

How now brown truck?

 

123

What do you call an electronic music gadget with three legs?

A tripod

 

124

An ancient Chinese boardgame

that men play sitting on benches

waiting for their wives who are shopping --

Pa Jong

 

125

What's the title of the autobiography of a famous Italian gourmet?

Remembrance of Time Pasta

 

126

When the standup comedian delivered an outstanding performance,

his bride gave him a standing ovulation.

 

127

A trappist monk flies through the air

with the greatest of silence.

 

128

An example of when repetition isn't repetition. 

The headline --

Mink stole mink stole

 

129

The middle-aged lady married a guy named Jack Young,

so she could say that she married young.

 

130

How does Satan greet new arrivals?

Hell-o

 

131

A Moslem was upset to learn that he needed wife five to connect to the Internet  

when he could only have four wives.

 

132

What do you call the fee a surrogate is paid?

Carrying charge

 

133

Did you hear about the angle who spent his whole life in school

and earned 90 degrees?

 

134

The cruise passenger's prayer:

The salad bar is my shepherd.

I shall not want,

And I shall not gain.

 

135

Why did the dieter buy fish?

He wanted to check his weight,

and he had heard that fish have scales.

 

136

A mixing bowl had an opportunity to become part of a Cuisinart,

but she declined because her daddy always told her,

"Never a blender be."

 

137

As I get older, my memory is improving.

Forty years ago I never could find my cellphone.

 

138

Mary Christmas

and Joseph New Year

 

139

You can never have a little real estate.

You always have a lot

 

140

What is a word meaning old fashioned wealth?

Opulescence

 

141

A blue flower that grows on volcanic islands should be called

lava-nder.

 

142

How do desserts greet one another?

Jell-o

 

143

A holy roller preacher looked like he was seriously depressed.  

A parishioner asked, "What's wrong?"

The preacher replied, "It's hard to believe."

 

144

Why did the Yankees hire an opera singer?

They heard he had perfect pitch.

 

145

What do you call a photograph of a cup of coffee?

A mug shot.

 

146

A man sitting in a restaurant was arrested as a peeping tom.  

He was staring at the salad dressing.

 

147

What did the momma rope say to the daddy rope when he snored?

Quiet.  You'll wake up the twines.

 

148

A nomadic alien found Earth by homing in on television signals. 

What were his first words when he landed?

Take me to your movies.

 

149

What role did dogs play in the automation of retail sales?

They invented the bark code

 

150

Ancient Scottish saying:

There's more than one way to skin a flint.

 

151

What is Alan Alda's favorite food?

MASH potatoes.

 

152

What's the best place to buy used sea food?

A prawn shop.

 

153

What model of sports car does the president of McDonald's drive?

Hamburguini

 

154

Why did the bull panic on Hanukkah?

Because he was afraid of being gelded.

 

155

What business likes to hire owls?

Hooters

 

156

What owl became a singing cowboy movie star?

Hoot Gibson.

 

157

What do you call a corncob with only one kernel?

A unicorn

 

158

What does a unicorn ride?

A unicycle

 

159

Santa landed his sleigh in the desert in front of the sheikh's house. 

The sheikh burst out in tears

His wife asked, "What's wrong?"

He explained, "I prayed for rain, dear."

 

160

When a rabbit feels sorry for himself, what does he sing?

Thump pity, thump thump

 

161

What did the first woman president say to her brassiere on the occasion of her winning the election?

I thank you for your support.

 

162

A marriage ceremony is like a baptism.  

That's why they call it a wetting.

 

163

What did the skunk pirate captain say?

Stink the ship.

 

164

Why did the daddy goat laugh when the mommy goat was in labor?

She was kidding.

 

166

Definition of snoring --

Sleeping soundly

 

166

How do you encourage a whale to exercise?

Burn blubber!

 

167

What do you call a smartphone you are mad at?

A ding bat.

 

168

Slogan of a slave dealer -

All men are crated equal.

 

169

What was the name of the Buddhist nun who invented the automobile?

Car Ma

What was the name of her dog?

Car Pet

 

170

What is the name of one hand clapping?

Hands Solo

 

171

When you are investigating bank fraud, who should you interrogate first?

The teller

 

172

What did Queen Guinevere's rival say to her?

Share your love of Art.

 

173

Why is the mushroom a good date?

He was a fun guy.

 

174

How to praise a great chef:

Supperb!

 

175

Book ends taking shelf-defense lessons.

 

176

What do you call an ancient Chinese vase that makes a siren sound in case of theft?

Alarm Ming

 

177

What is the highest rank in the army of corn?

kernel

 

178

Among the Fates, the one who took care of the details did the knitting.

That's where we got the expression

"knitty-gritty details."

 

179

It wasn't her fault.

She was born with a devious septum

 

180

What did Leonardo da Vinci say when he was hungry?

Polymath wants a cracker.

 

181

A struggling artist changed careers and became a paramedical

because he was good at drawing blood

 

182

Alternate title for "The Wind in the Willows" --

"The Toad Less Travelled"

 

183

Young women are not allowed to become talmudic scholars.

It is unseemly for a woman to seek biblic knowledge.

 

184

Gabriel returned to Heaven in a panic

after he saw ads for

angel cake and baked wings.

 

185

When Cher got a job as a paralegal,

it was an act of charity.

She worked pro Bono.

 

186

The comedian who got an award for his work after he died was honored

post humorously.

 

187

For whom the

road tolls.

The epic story of the invention of EasyPass.

 

188

The IRS should hold audits in an auditorium,.

Like a colosseum, only with accountants instead of lions.

Much scarier,

in keeping with "truth in intimidation" regulations

 

189

Drop the second "b" from bible and you get bile.

That's the hidden meaning of 2 b or not 2 b

 

190

Where did the archaeologist couple meet?

On a carbon dating site.

 

191

The Iliad as Christmas story --

I sing the wreath of Achilles...

 

192

Apple was going to introduce an electronic bunny for Easter.
But the name
ihop
was already taken.

 

193

How many jokes would a wood chuckle chuckle, if a wood chuckle would chuckle?

 

194

How do you indicate shading in a Twitter message?

With cross hashing

 

195

Imagine a little kid who enjoys playing with his toy boat in the toy-let.

He suddenly has diarrhea and learns an important life lesson --

Loose shits sink ships.

 

196

Growing up:

Miss, Ms., Mrs., Mess, Messier, Messiest, Messiah, Masseuse

 

197

Credo of the humorist:

He whose laughs last, laughs best.

 

198

She was very timely.

She was born on her birthday,

and she delivered her baby on Labor Day.

 

199

Nickname of The Association of Concussed Football Players --

The Collective Unconscious

 

200

Name of legendary frontier podiatrist --

Paul Bunion

 

201

Suggested signage for Damascus airport --

Welcome to the Muddle East

 

202

The little old lady who swallowed a fly died of

insect inside poisoning.

 

203

Name for American fast food chain in Japan --

Yankee Noodle Dandy

 

204

Future best seller -- Harry Potter's Field of Dreams

 

205

The witch accidentally transformed a friend into a fiend.

Spellcheck didn't help.

 

206

A Hindu app lets you know what you will be born as next

(which depends on when you die and the current state of your soul).

When facing life-or-death situations,

it's good to know your options.

 

207

What college did Vol de Mort graduate from?

Villain Nova

 

208

Fake rumor:

Apple is diversifying into upscale alcoholic beverages.

They're going to call their first product

Apple Cider,

and their second

iDrink

 

209

The whole body

of his work

was comic.

His funny bone was humerus

and he had a fun knee.

 

210

She was very careful about her driving,

because she knew that car-sin-oma

is a serious problem.

 

211

Gallows humor:

Why are you hanging out here?

I'm just getting the hang of the place.

The gall of the man.

He was well hung, but women weren't interested in him.

 

212

Which state is renowned for its cellphone usage?

Text-us

 

213

When the unnamable villain from Harry Potter retired, he went into the real estate business, founding vol de mortgage dot com

 

214

Russian software for hacking medical equipment -- E(KG)B

 

215

The early inhabitants of Scotland invented the camera.

That’s why they were called the Picts.

 

216

Why did the Texan hire a ghost writer?

Because he needed a ghost to scare away the rattle snakes.

 

217

What is the best exercise for stockings?

Running

 

218

A long-lost transgender novel by Robert Louis Stevenson was finally published --

Dr. Jekyll and Mrs. Hyde

 

219

A big black bird landed on Edgar Allan Poe's shoulder.

He couldn't scare it away and couldn't pull it off.

He thought he was going crazy until a friend pointed out that this wasn't a raven.

It was a vel crow.

 

220

A new musical

about twin kings of Siam --

The Gem and I

 

221

The Amish comedian traveled by

horse and giggle

 

222

What do you call a flock of laughing geese?

A giggle

 

223

A builder promised his novelist girlfriend that he would help her achieve her dream.

He took her to his construction site, led her to the basement, and gleefully exclaimed:

"Here is your best cellar!"

 

224

The aspiring author became a sailor

so he could write a naval.

 

225

The aspiring author became a sailor so he could write a naval.

 

226

Afraid that his linguistic heritage was endangered, the cockney bought accent insurance.

 

227

Slogan of New Hampshire chefs --

live fry or die.

 

228

A new process for disposing of the remains of

Shrek-like monsters

generates green energy.

 

229

How should you wake up a floor polisher?

Rise and shine.

 

230

Confucius say -

Never lie in bed.

Only when standing.

 

231

Dorothy said her preyers every night --

"Lions and tigers and bears, oh my!"

 

232

Broadway song about a computer repairman --

If I were a glitchman...

 

233

When a guy was hired by a sexy lady,

Why did he give her a rub down?

She was being embossed.

 

234

Why did the rolls in the restaurant

make noises like kettle drums?

They were drum rolls.

 

235

The witch saw a giggly girl in a bikini,

waved a magic wand,

and turned her into a sea gull.

"That's amazing," said the witch's friend.

"No. That was easy. She was very gullible."

 

236

Why did the boy give his girlfriend daises?

Because he wanted to d-flower her.

 

237

Why was the dollar bill upset to be deposited in a bank?

She didn't want to be a loan.

 

238

Another term for "friends with benefits" --

A beddage of convenience.

 

239

A Chinese wine cooler --

a chin chiller

 

240

A couple is working in their garden.

They hear one burp after another.

"What the hell is going on?" asks the husband.

"No problem," says the wife.

"I bought Burpee seeds."

 

241

He lived in a modest house.

It would only take its clothes off at night,

when no one was looking.

 

242

When the six-year-old lost an incisor,

he left a note under his pillow:

instead of quarters,

he wanted a blue tooth.

 

243

When the beagle talked in his sleep,

he said false and slanderous things about his friends.

But they didn't mind.

They knew to let sleeping dogs lie.

 

244

A glue manufacturer became a psychotherapist

because he was good at dealing with problems of attachment.

 

245

Why didn't Alfred Hitchcock wear a belt?

He preferred suspensers.

 

246

New electronic device

for getting in touch with the inner you --

the self phone.

 

247

What job did the cat sailor get

after he was knighted?

He became the Purr Sir.

 

248

How to say good night to an athlete --

Sweat dreams.

 

249

After the tree was chopped down,

he was always board.

That was okay until a carpenter bought him.

Then he was screwed.

 

250

The needles had much in common,

but their relationship had a couple of

sticking points.

 

251

The book did anything he wanted

because he was entitled.

 

252

If you need to laugh,

just lean on the windowsill.

That's what it's there for --

to give you a dose of silliness.

 

253

Over the years,

he scaled back his goals and expectations.

Now he aims for the stairs.

 

254

Over the years,

she scaled back her goals and expectations.

Now she no longer aims for the stairs.

Instead she takes the elevator.

 

255

How did the kiwis toast the New Year?

Eat, drink, and be berry!

 

256

The court jester was a champion at

ballroom duncing.

 

257

The priests' cheer --

two, four, six, eight.

How shall we now celibate?

 

258

What nation of barbarians had the best dance band?  

The Saxophones

 

259

What do you call the set of all words that refer to insects?  Ant-onyms

What do you call the set of all words that refer to crimes?  Syn-onyms

 

260

Why did the hip bone and the leg go to the bank together? 

To open a joint account

 

261

Why did the wig have to go to the coronation? Because he was the hair apparent

 

262

Who is the most important instructor in the Army School of Dentistry? 

The drill sergeant

 

263

When nine judges got together to form a rock band,

what did they call their group?  

The Supremes

 

264

The pastry chef was nicknamed "magic lips",

but she wasn't particularly attractive.  

How did she get that name? 

When she kissed her creations,

she made them batter.

 

265

When two cartographers fell in love,

they lived mappily ever after.

 

266

Someone who loves fish is an

a-fish-ionado

 

267

Some people prefer shrimp with tails.

So stores now offer to put the tails back on. 

That's known as selling shrimp re-tail

 

268

Movie about the first Thanksgiving on the moon --

The Right Stuffing

 

269

What do you call a nun's hat?

A habit hat

 

270

What happens to amoeba when they misbehave?  

They have to walk the plankton

 

271

Why did an immigrant who just arrived in New York ask a big husky guy to lift him onto his shoulders? 

So he could say he was "raised in New York".

 

272

Why are novelists better writers than poets? 

Because they are pros.

 

273

What do you call a wrestler who is new to the sport? 

A neo-fight

 

274

Never trust the judgment of an imperfect diamond. 

It jumps to occlusions.

 

275

The Wright Brothers did many calculations, trying to figure out how to fly.

But nothing worked.

So Orville winged it.

 

276

Dogs often have the medical condition "irritable bowel syndrome". 

You can tell because they have the distinctive bark --

"bowel wow".

 

277

What color did Monet paint his flowers? 

Bloom

 

278

When King David captured Santa Claus and sold him as a slave,

what did the headlines read?

David Selz Nick

 

279

Why did the hole in the ground have no friends?  

Because he was a son of a ditch

 

280

Definition of a nun --

a creature of habit

 

281

What do you call coffee mixed with eggs?

Ovu-latte

 

282

What should you call an underage emperor of the Eastern Roman Empire? 

byzan-teen

 

283

How do you describe the shape of someone on a yoghurt diet? 

Yo-girth

 

284

When the Pope canonized a bird, what name did he give him? 

Saint Peep

 

285

Cramming for exams, the student moved his desk and mattress into the backyard.

He wanted to study in tent ly,

 

286

Cannibals have two kinds of ovens

toast her oven

and

toast him oven.

 

287

How should you greet an author?

All writey.

 

288

When the lady feels really depressed,

she buys a fork-lift truck.

It's a great pick me up.

 

289

She thought she was in love with the guy

until he complimented her feet.

She was like toes intolerant.

 

290

What did the mute performer say to his girlfriend?

Be mime

 

291

Why do Tom cats like Japanese kittens?

Because they are cat nippon.

 

292

The actress was charged more for everything than anyone else.

But she didn't mind.

She liked having top billing.

 

293

Name for a dating service for pets --

Ani-mate

 

294

Bad day --

Went for a face lift

but it was too heavy.

Got a hair cut

but he cut the wrong one.

Wanted my nails done

but was screwed instead.

 

295

What did Miss Muffet say when she found her true love?

"Let me count the wheys."

 

296

What did the wear wolf wear?

Beware,

be where,

her underwear.

 

297

When twitter friends visit the mansion,

where do they stay?

The follow wing.

 

298

The buck deerly loved the doe.

For her he was even willing

to get dressed.

 

299

His life had five gears,

like a sports car,

but it was stuck in the night shift.

 

300

Chinese tongue twister --

How Mao brown cow?

Chinese cat tongue twister --

How miao brown cow?

 

301

What Olympic sport are Poles destined to excel at?

ski-ing

 

302

When the Pope drank too much communion wine,

Luke Skywalker helped him home.

Hence he became known as

Tight Pope Walker.

 

303

The symptoms were numb and getting number,

so the mathematician added two more,

and said "Be nine."

And indeed it was benign.

 

304

Which member of Robin Hood's band was on the cover of GQ Magazine?

Friar Tux

 

305

Which member of Robin Hood's band was famous for his sermons about incontinence?

Friar Tux

 

306

Which member of Robin Hood's band cooked the most unhealthy dishes?

Fryer Tuck

 

307

Which member of Robin Hood's band was a notorious adulterer?

Will Scarlet Letter

 

308

Why did the Englishman buy a dozen eggs and kiss them?

He loved egg snog.

 

309

To lose weight

only eat the tip of the iceberg

lettuce.

 

310

The doctor went to yoga class religiously

and stretched and twisted until finally he could touch the back of his head with his foot.

He had read in the Bible, "Physician, heel thyself."

 

311

When the couch potatoes swore,

the cook apologized for them,

"Pardon my French

fries."

 

312

New cartoon TV series --

The Symptoms.

Episode 1 =

One flu over the cuckoo's nest.

 

313

He worked hard at his golf game

and eventually earned a handicap of 36,

the max.

He was delighted.

Now he could use handicapped parking everywhere.

 

314

When the three-year-old dropped a nickel in his piggy bank,

the nickel jumped for joy --

he was saved

 

315

The seafood lover was delighted

when he heard about the

re-clam-nation project.

 

316

She had the opposite of autism --

She could only communicate with emojis.

 

317

Cheer up. Have faith.

After dis appointment

comes dat appointment.

 

318

The caviar dreamed of

making the roe team.

 

319

The role of the Senate in dealing with nominations

is advise and conceit.

 

320

She self-published with a 3D printer

and made a thousand copies of herself.

 

321

"I'm looking for something for sticky fingers."

"A napkin?"

"No. Money."

 

322

He submitted his work to agents in a cascade --

first tear,

then second tear,

then third tear.

 

323

He entitled his novel "Between the Lines"

so everybody would read it.

 

324

He is taking a class in January.

If that goes well, he'll study February next.

 

325

Traveler's checks for time travelers at bargain prices.

Pay now and cash them in for ten times as much

any time in the past.

 

326

"For every question, there is a dancer,"

said the rockette scientist.

 

327

Christmas cheer --

Hey! Hey! What do you say?

Take the gifts the other way!

 

328

The parchment wanted to marry a controlling woman

so he could be embossed.

 

329

He knew he couldn't save the world, so he did the next best thing --

He became a lexicographer and saved the word.

 

330

Title of Netflix CEO --

stream-boat captain.

 

331

He published his short novel in ten volumes.

He explained --

"In this business, you win on volume."

 

332

Time for refreshment,

refreshmeant,

meant tea,

with three cubes of nice.

 

333

The lady was disappointed by complimentary wine in first class --

It didn't pay her any compliments.

 

334

Christmas was traumatic for the fir tree --

She got all twisted up,

wreathing in pain.

 

335

She had finished her first novel.

Now she was an author.

Doors would open for her.

She need no longer worry about

unauthorized use or access.

 

336

Don't give up.

Sometimes you get to the top

by climbing the ladder

one wrong at a time.

 

337

The true woman --

plays the woman-olin

women-ustrates monthly

writes woman-uscripts

ends her prayers a-women

has good womanners

and is wonderful in womanifold ways

 

338

Even when published

the novel was disappointed --

he thought he had been typecast.

 

339

What plant grew up to be an enormous success --

Horatio Algae

 

340

Why did the personnel manager insist that all secretarial applicants take a blood test?

She didn't want any type O's.

 

341

The podiatrist gardener specialized in

tomat-toes.

 

342

A rich guy didn't like the long delay before dinner was served,

so he hired a waiter.

 

343

What's the favorite game of gourmets?

Crabbage.

What's the favorite game of vegetarian gourmets?

Cabbage.

 

344

Why did the pasta go to the gym?

He wanted to become fit-tuccine

 

345

How do rabbits make beer?

With hops.

 

346

When the restaurant served hot chocolate

they had a bon bon fire.

 

347

How do you play hops scotch?

With beer and scotch.

 

348

A guy uses his front porch as his office

so he can lose weight

by working out every day.

 

349

A woman wouldn't go to a meetup

because she's a vegetarian.

 

350

"That's a lot of dessert."

"Yes, that's the Sahara of desserts."

 

351

The jeweler cooked his diamonds

on low heat

because he wanted them rare.

 

352

The hamburger gave his fiancée an onion ring

and two carrots.

 

353

What vegetable dish was invented in North Korea?

M.A.S.H. potatoes.

 

354

What do you call a warm piece of clothing

made of chocolate?

A sweeter.

 

355

The ballerina refused to play in The Nutcracker

because she was on a diet

and it was too suite.

 

356

Why did the hens pluck out

the rooster's feathers?

They wanted cocktails.

 

357

Weight Watchers cheer --

Hey, hey, what do you weigh?

Take your weight the other way.

 

358

After his pedicure

the pedophile

no longer suffered from a foot fetish.

 

359

After her manicure,

the manic-depressive

was just depressed,

but her hands no longer bothered her.

 

360

The ill-tempered critic

suffered from

congestive art failure.

 

361

Eat, drink, and be merry;

for tomorrow you diet.

 

362

In ancient times,

elephant tails were valuable as trophies,

and elephants could regrow them.

That led to the first retail business.

 

363

Under a full moon

she went food shopping with her blind date.

He showed great interest in dog food.

Then, at dinner, he was ravenously hungry,

and wolfed it down.

 

364

What should you order at the Heart Break Hotel?

Misery

with a side of grief.

 

365

He collected tea sets

and enjoyed hundreds of flavors of tea.

He appreciated

the nice teas of life.

 

366

Man went to Costco.

Man had hot dog.

Man bit dog.

Dog tasted good.

Headline news.

 

367

Obvious product idea --

Video mirror for the home.

See yourself as others see you,

not yourself in reverse

as in a standard mirror.

 

368

The hundred year old lady was almost stone deaf.

She couldn't hear any stone except granite.

 

369

What should a man wear when dancing to Latin music with his mother on Mother's Day? 

A Mom Bow Tie

 

370

The science of counting carbs and calories is

gastroeconomics.

 

371

What do you call someone who sneaks food to someone pretending to be a vegetarian?

an intermeatarian

 

372

Why did you travel to Antarctica?

Because I wanted to meet an ice person.

 

373

What inanimate object is fleet of foot?

Running water

 

374

What song do fishermen on the Caspian Sea sing when seeking sturgeon for caviar?

roe, roe, roe your boat

 

375

What did the dog say when his owner put a bowl of brown mush in his bowl?

How now brown chow.

 

376

Airport security is going to bar cosmetics on flights. 

They heard rumors that ISIS is developing

a lip bomb.

 

377

Did you hear about the pair of glasses who was about to be sent to prison

until he proved he was framed?

 

378

First he loved his pet rock,

then he neglected it

and took it for granite.

 

379

Did you hear about the clam digger who gave up his career when he realized

that it was selfish

to sell shell fish.

 

380

What do you call a matchmaker on the streets of NY City?  

a meet her maid

 

381

Having been bitten by a werewolf,

Hamlet freaked out at the next full moon

and screamed --

"To beast or not to beast,

that is the question."

 

382

After the swimming pool passed the acidity test

100 days in a row,

it was awarded a Ph D

 

383

At the end of his life,

Dylan Thomas converted to Judaism.

That's why he wrote --

"Do not go gentile

into that dark night."

 

384

What is the plumber's favorite poker hand?

royal flush

 

385

He always kept a best-selling book on the piano,

so when he played

he'd have a page-turner.

 

386

When beavers built a temple, what did they call it?

God dam.

 

387

What is the literary masterpiece with the most carbs?

Candied.

 

388

Did you hear about the arctic explorer who found a quarter encased in ancient ice?

It was the tip of the iceberg.

 

389

What do you call a Sicilian funeral procession?

a hit parade

 

390

What do you call a seagull who likes to smoke?

A sea-gar

 

391

Prayer of the righteous --

Now I truth me down to sleep.

 

392

Theme song of Indian Americans --

Yogi Doodle.

Theme song of American Indians --

My name is Sioux, how do you do?

 

393

Old McDonald was

a computer expert

into AI AI O

 

394

You've heard about Johnny Appleseed planting apple trees.

Well the guy who did that for vineyards is Alexander the Grape.

 

395

What do you call transgender cattle?

cow boys

 

396

What kind of laundry detergent do pigs use?

Hog Tide

 

397

The door-to-door salesman

avoided the house of the protozoa,

because she was a hard cell.

 

398

The no-no bird went extinct

because of celibacy --

she just said "no."

 

399

Beware.

If you use cookies at your web site,

Cookie Monster may eat it.

 

400

Which came first?

The egghead

or the pen?

 

401

Everything was great about her new dress,

except the color --

which was to dye for.

 

402

Wedding toast --

George, may you get everything you want in this wife.

Mary, may you be well groomed.

 

403

Where does the comedian turn when he needs an audience?

The Good Humor Man.

 

404

What does the icicle sing when he starts to melt?

Snowbody knows the trouble I've seen.

Snowbody knows but Frostie.

 

405

He needed practice before becoming a stand-up comic;

so he started with sit-down comedy

and invented the sitcom.

 

406

Snoopy converted to Judaism

and became a bagel.

 

407

The proctologist was good at getting to the bottom of  the problem.

 

408

Top-selling pop psychology book for trees --

I'm Oak A

You're Oak A

 

409

After 40 years service in the Star Fleet,

Captain Kirk had enough logs

to build a log cabin.

 

410

The lion loved fresh gnu for breakfast.

So he subscribed to an online gnus service.

 

411

The sand was prim, proper, and unemployed

until she got stoned

and became a rockette.

 

412

When the comedian went on a safari,

he vowed to

bring 'em back a laugh.

 

413

When Crazy Horse saw his wife with a facial mask,

he nearly had a heart attack.

That was the origin of war paint.

 

414

The gambler was a sticker for cleanliness,

so he changed his cheats every day.

 

415

The rabbi wouldn't allow an organ in temple,

but he was happy to have a jew-k box.

 

416

The rabbi wouldn't drink beer,

but he loved a he-brew.

 

417

He became a priest, held confession, collected the gilt of his parish,

and melted it down to bullion.

 

418

As an alternate way of taking medicine,

instead of swallowing or getting a shot,

meds can be embedded in a cushion

so you absorb it while sleeping.

They call that a pillow.

 

419

After her first trip to the hairdresser

the little girl looked at herself in the mirror

and said proudly, "You are such a good curl."

 

420

A giant named Sas loved squash so much that

he stepped on everything to make it squash.

That's why they called him sas-squash.

 

421

He became the world's best knotty pine inspector

thanks to his mother

who taught him

to judge not."

 

422

The football team

was arrested

for taking kick backs.

 

423

When George finally took care of his gas problem,

he held a burp day party.

 

424

The finger hated the lancet --

he was such a prick.

 

425

She lived a lonely life.

She rarely went out and had few debts.

So while others went to the gym and paid bills,

she went to the James and paid Williams.

 

426

If Sleeping Beauty lived today, she wouldn't need to prick her finger.

She could get her glucose readings the high-tech way.

 

427

In his will,

he gave instructions

that his autobiography

should be written by

a ghost writer.

 

428

What do you call an American Indian outhouse?

A peepee.

 

429

How should you address a letter to the afterworld?

To tomb it may concern...

 

430

The jury pondered --

"To defer or not to defer?

To differ or not to differ?"

But their decision didn't matter

because they were

deaf and indifferent.

 

431

What do mariners use instead of mouth wash?

Sailing solution

 

432

Someone who writes constantly

with little hope of being published

is a perspiring novelist.

 

433

When the baron retired from government,

he became a masseur --

the famous rubber baron.

 

434

This novel defied the boundaries of classification

and had a sexually ambiguous main character.

It suffered from both genre-fication

and gender-fication.

 

435

What can you say of an infantry unit renowned for its speed?

The fleet of feet is fleet of foot.

 

436

The glove maker advertised --

handsome is

as handsome gloves.

 

437

She refused to go to the Continent.

She never wanted it to be said that

she was in continent.

You can depend on that.

 

438

No diet or exercise plan worked.

So she went to a casino in England,

and lost a hundred pounds in seconds.

 

439

Why am I here?

What do I expect to gain?

I'm practicing for the next track tweet,

and I hope to lose, not gain,

ten pounds.

 

440

He got serious about his next novel

and WIP-onized it.

 

441

The self-improvement author

won big time

and became a best selfer.

 

442

Specialty at McDonald's in Edinburgh --

Big Mac Beth,

double boiled,

served bloody rare,

with lady fingers.

 

443

What now-extinct beast once fought the forces of darkness?

The light-saber toothed tiger

 

444

What animal is a refreshing drink?

The koola bear

 

445

Why did the ninjas buy a nunnery?

They needed flying nuns

as ammunition for their nunchucks.

 

446

What do monks eat while watching the Super Bowl?

Pope corn and humble pie.

 

447

How do monks get free entry to the Super Bowl?

They use their Hail Mary Pass.

 

448

Ninjas never laugh.

They nunchuckle.

 

449

How much wood would a nunchuck chuck

if a nunchuck could chuck wood

 

450

He wasn't a king.

He never had a coronation.

So he insisted on a home birth

so he could see

the crowning of his son.

 

451

The musician went to the gym religiously,

convinced that if he could bench press

500 grams,

he could win a Grammy.

 

452

His computer wouldn't start

so he took it to the nearest cobbler,

who was far cheaper than the computer repair man

and was an expert at booting and rebooting.

 

453

Celebrating February 4 --

May the fourth be with you.

And may you have a febulous month.

 

454

What's the name of the horse

renowned for telling dirty jokes?

Mr. Id

 

455

In the early days of telegraphy,

a monk made contact with God

 and requested a spectacular Christmas.

But he left out a letter,

asked for sow instead of snow,

and so started the tradition of Christmas ham.

 

456

He wanted to heal eyes

and prescribe rose-colored glasses.

So he became an optimist.

 

457

The auto-didact

did everything on his own,

even learning to fix cars.

 

458

Before self-publishing his pet project,

the novelist went to City Hall

and got a prosaic license.

 

459

Missing feature --

a microwave with a choice of cooling.

For when the food is too hot

and you'd like to cool it for 30 seconds

rather than wait 5 minutes.

 

460

His friends appealed to him to seek help,

So he went to the coast with binoculars

and shouted with glee, "Kelp!

I see kelp!"

 

461

Definition of schizophrenia --

his right brain

doesn't know what

his wrong brain is doing.

 

462

The eye doctor provided guaranteed service.

He had a sign in his office with B-E-T-T-E-R

in huge letters.

After every visit he asked

the patient to read it.

Then he said, with satisfaction,

"You see better!"

 

463

The fairy god witch was invited to the wedding

as the mother of the broom.

 

464

The genie gave him one wish.

He said, "I want to be unique!"

Unfortunately, the genie misheard,

and so he became a eunuch.

 

465

God's gift to man:

woman.

God's gift to woman:

children.

God's gift to children:

smart phones.

And so, in the beginning, there was the text.

 

466

Where should you go to study cartoons?

ooniversity

 

467

He was addicted to Lord of the Rings

until he found his true elf

and kicked the hobbit.

 

468

She got into the computer department at RIT

early acceptance,

because she was a shopoholic --

an expert at buy-nary math.

 

469

The impresario staged a performance of La Boheme

in the middle of the river in Paris --

the perfect

mise en Seine.

 

470

They sent their son

to a physical therapist

to improve his motor skills,

getting him ready for the Indianapolis 500.

 

471

When he bought a fastener,

he thought it would help glue he pieces of his life together.

He didn't know that it would

make his life go by faster.

 

472

She was controlling as a parent.

When her kids moved out,

she strove to change and become submissive.

She submitted stories to hundreds of magazines.

Now she is trying to be receptive.

 

473

She went to a therapist to learn

how to live with pain.

He suggested that

she divorce him.

 

474

Where is Elvis?

At the North Poe,

with his hundred clones,

making blue suede shoes

for Santa.

 

475

He sprayed himself with metallic paint

until his whole body was mirror-like,

because it's important to be self-reflective.

 

476

The would-be track champion

cheated on his girlfriend

and on tests at school --

he wanted to be like the fastest animal on Earth --

the cheater.

 

477

If you feel like shit,

try sleeping in the fecal position.

 

478

When life was born,

he was breastfed.

And life has sucked ever since.

 

479

When Persephone returned from Hades,

the underwhere of the universe,

she went commando

because she no long needed underwear.

 

480

The top-tear editor

lived in the subverbs

and performed transgenre surgery.

 

481

The unpaid author

sent his publisher

a bill of writes.

The publisher replied

that the press should be free.

 

482

Email's shakespearean quandary --

to bcc or not to bcc

 

483

Why did the singer strive to hit the lowest notes humanly possible?

He wanted to sing so low.

 

484

Why do so many ducks become Internet gurus?

They have webbed feet.

 

485

What should you call a deliberately destructive

Internet bot?

a web-on.

 

486

What's the difference between a quilt and butter?

One is a bed spread.

The other is a bread spread.

 

487

A radio signal from Satan

is a hell ping.

 

488

Beware of podcasts.

They are made by pod people.

It's the invasion of the mind snatchers.

 

489

Title for a gossip column --

The Who's Doing Whom

of Hollywood.

 

490

Last year the Playboy Bunny didn't come on Easter. 

She wasn't in the mood.

 

491

The pastry came out of the oven

with an image of the Virgin Mary

came to be known as

"the immaculate confection."

 

492

The widow went on Match to find a dependable man.

She dated one guy for 6 months, but still she didn't have faith in him. Finally, he pulled down his pants and said, "You can see very well that I'm depend-able."

 

493

 Life is a modified waltz --

three steps forward and then two steps back.

The trick is to learn to time your turns

so your back steps carry you forward.

 

494

The Texan was excited that he was going to meet the King.

Then he was disappointed to find out the King wasn't Elvis.

 

495

What TV show is Voltaire famous for?

Candide Camera

 

496

What's good name for an aroma theater,

a theater for smell performances?

The Odeon.

 

497

 How did the strip of blue paper get an education? 

She went to collage

 

498

An alien species requires input from four males

to conceive a baby.

Their typical speech begins:

"Our four fathers..."

 

499

 Did you hear about the windows that went on a blind date? 

They were both shady characters.

 

500

What do bananas do when a party gets boring?

They split.

 

501

The Sandman used a dowsing stick,

found water,

and dug a sleeping well.

 

502

A professor who is strict about punctuation

is a comma kazie.

 

503

The femme fatale stopped drinking ale.

Now she's just a femme fat.

 

504

Why did the football star get a sex-change operation?

He wanted to be femme-ous.

 

505

Symptom of Twitter paranoia,

when you think no one is following you.

 

506

The would-be author bought a car

so he could write an auto-biography.

Then he went to the FBI

to find an agent,

and to a pub

to get publicity.

Finally, he self-published,

shooting hundreds of selfies.

 

507

The would-be author wasn't going to write a trilogy.

He could tell his story in just two books.

So he applied to grad school

wanting to earn an MFA

in biology.

 

508

What did Shakespeare say to Sir Francis Drake?

Do you need another quill in your quiver?

 

509

What did the Elizabethan publisher

say to the Christmas carolers?

You are singing to the quire.

 

510

The graphic artist was enormously successful

at a new online niche market.

He was an emo-gee-wiz.

 

511

After the Bible story,

Joseph founded an investment bank

and made a huge profit.

His slogan was --

"The writing is on the Wall Street."

 

512

She was having trouble in math

until her mother hired a handsome tutor for her.

Then she learned her tens tables fast.

He was an excellent ten is instructor.

 

513

Why did the cab driver study astronomy?

He wanted to find the Big Tipper.

 

514

He would never tell a lie,

because the lie would never believe him.

 

515

His friend said, "I agree completely. Ditto. Ditto."

So he answered. "Dit toes and dit fingers as well."

 

516

The book was proud to be promoted.

Now he was a promo sapiens.

 

517

Why are the days of the week sexist?

There's a Sonday but no Daughterday.

That's un-rea-son-able,

and it should be daughterable.

 

518

As he wrote it,

the novel kept expanding.

Every day, the end was near

but no nearer than it was the day before.

Clearly, the book was hard of nearing.

 

519

Beggars paid no attention

to General Sherman.

They knew he gave no quarter.

 

520

She had many allergies,

which helped her writing.

She could write epilogues

with her epipen.

 

521

Word coinage --

A mini LOL

should be called a LOLITA.

 

522

She got a rescue dog

because in the game of life

one-eyed dogs are wild.

 

523

Why did the author become a ham radio operator?

He wanted to hear people say --

"I read you! I read you!"

 

524

The doctor told the movie director

that his problems were all in his head.

So he ran a miniature fiber optic cable up his nose,

connected that to a video camera

and created a dramatic masterpiece.

 

525

Why was noon arrested?

Because he was driving while high.

 

526

The Navy is now recruiting pre-teen girls.

They will be known as Microwaves.

 

527

"Why do you have two Porsches?"

"In the morning I like to sit in my front Porsche,

and in the evening in my back Porsche."

 

528

She rented the apartment

because the building had a super,

and she just loved soup.

 

529

She was life-genic, rather than photo-genic.

She looked much better in real life.

 

530

She was fighting sexism in language

so instead of heating her house

she hert it.

 

531

She took the job

because they advertised a "drug-free workplace."

She wanted the free drugs

 

532

The house was freezing cold,

so he gave it a coat of paint.

 

533

After shoulder surgery

rehabilitation was taking too long.

She needed to heal faster.

So she wore high heals.

 

534

Scientists invented an amazing new fabric.

They could quickly and easily change its color

over and over again

to any color but pink.

The unpinkable had happened.

 

535

Suggested nostalgic deli offering --

a mellow yellow

submarine sandwich.

 

536

What meat dish gets the most exercise?

Runny hamburger.

 

537

Debt was an inspiration to Poe,

who wrote about the

bills, bills, bills, bills, bills...

 

538

To improve his wellness,

he hired a dowser, dug a well,

and touched it often,

feeling well every day.

 

539

Talking bells,

for people who are tired of exercising

with a bunch of dumb bells.

 

540

Plurals --

murder of crows

pride of lions

gaggle of geese

giggle of jokes

 

541

The politician said, "In this time of crisis,

we need patience."

The doctor replied, "Hell, no!

The last thing we need is patients."

 

542

What is the plumber's favorite Christmas carol?

Eleven pipers piping.

 

543

He was exhausted

so he went to the rest room

looking forward to

the rest of the day.

 

544

Don't be precipitous.

Never make important decisions during a rain storm.

 

545

Prospero kept his conscience

in a conch shell

to protect it.

Then he blew it.

 

546

The unemployed thermometer

sought work through

a temp agency.

 

547

"Mind the gap!"

Isn't it outrageous that railroads, not only the US but in Europe

provide free advertising?

 

548

A burglar who hacks

home security systems

is known as

Lord of the Rings.

 

549

The United Nations should partner with 7-Up,

promoting the UNCola.

 

550

Advertising suggestion --

a koala bear drinking soda:

koala cola.

 

551

What do corpses eat?

Ground meat

with gravey.

 

552

When the last man in the world

meets the last woman,

what will he say?

Hi, mate.

 

553

When the last woman in the world

meets the last men,

what will she say?

Hy, men.

 

554

The farmer hired him

because he had a receding hair line

and his fields needed reseeding.

 

555

She was pissed off by her

thera-pee session.

 

556

She was delighted to be

the first woman elected president,

and with a margin of victory

was clearly a mandate.

It had been many years since

she had last had a man date.

 

557

She was delighted to be

the first woman elected president

and with that margin of victory

was clearly a mandate.

It had been many years since

she had last had a man date.

 

558

What is the best news channel for authors?

MS. NBC

 

559

The oyster fisherman was afraid his girl friend

would go for the guy with mussels.

 

560

The racist janitor would only take out

white trash.

 

561

Thought experiment --

How many calories do you burn

thinking about exercise?

 

562

The retired opera star refused to go to a nursing home,

only to a sing home.

 

563

Why was the Pope in favor of the war against Iraq?

He heard that Saddam had weapons of mass destruction.

 

564

Trying to compete with the franchise gyms,

he offered not just exercise

but xxxercise.

 

565

How can people say that the Bible is against homosexuality?

It clearly says, "be fruitful."

 

566

The ghost was afraid he was gaining weight,

so every day he visited a priest

to get exorcise.

 

567

He refused to sit in the waiting room

for fear of gaining weight.

 

568

Name for online pharmacy --

Club Med.

Name for group medication web site --

Club Med.

 

569

A holiday for cleaning addicts

is called a vac-ation.

A cure for that addiction is called

a vac-cine.

 

570

A lady who had gone too long without kisses

went to Cape Canaveral

and stood under a rocket --

the missile toe.

 

571

He fell in love with a bear.

He barely knew her.

But she was bare all the time.

 

572

Why did the ogre go to Appalacia?

He had lots of cheese

but he needed crackers.

 

573

What do you call a college for cabinet makers?

Screw U.

 

574

Instead of leftovers,

author have writeovers.

 

575

What's a good name

for a rap artist

who tells terrible puns?

Rapunzel

 

576

Ill and weak

she went to a casino

so she could feel bettor.

 

577

The account's theme song --

Deep in the heart of taxes.

 

578

What kind of sea creature

is good at making pies?

Crustacean.

 

579

Suggested invention --

Hospital chip implant

that makes you think you are in a hospital

and being taken care of.

 

580

The lawyer

was a sue-er dweller.

 

581

Two old friends met on the deserted streets of their city.

"What brings you out?"

"I have to walk the dogs."

"But where are the dogs?"

"My feet, stupid. I have to give my feet a walk."

 

582

Suggestion --

Do print-on-demand books on toilet-paper quality paper,

so they can be useful after reading,

and to promote sales of books to people who don't read at all.

 

583

The farmer called out to his hogs --

"Sui! Sui! Sui generis!"

He explained,

"That's pig Latin."

 

584

When comedians go on hikes in the forest,

what do they always bring along?

Canned laughter

 

585

What should you call a veterinarian

who specializes in canines?

dog-tor

 

586

What happened when the big wheels

got together for dinner.

They all spoke.

 

587

Did you hear about the guy

who had to take 100 meds a day?

He was the piller of the community.

 

588

What cheese is the most religious?

Swiss.

It's the holiest.

 

589

A grammarian created a new kind of medical practice --

Acupunctuation

 

590

What is the favorite weapon of a righteous lady?

A nunchuck.

 

591

The mare was annoyed that her mate was always horny.

Then she realized that he was a unicorn.

 

592

The agent refused to read his work because he didn't use a computer.

Then the agent realized this was the famous pirate --

Long Hand Silver.

 

593

His life had continuity.

As a boy he made models.

Then later, as a playboy,

he made models again.

 

594

Good name for brand of children's toilet paper --

Winnie the Pooh Pooh.

 

595

No Big Wheel is as important

as Wheel C.

 

596

"Heal! Heal!"

He heard through the door of his quarantined apartment.

"Wonderful!" he replied without daring to open the door.

"Are you a doctor or a faith healer?"

"Neither. I'm a dog owner."

 

597

No one knew why the comedian died.

He wasn't funny enough to die laughing.

So they exhumored his body.

He's been fine ever since.

 

598

What do you call a donkey from Pompeii? 

A pompous ass.

 

599

What did Ophelia prefer for breakfast?

Danish

 

600

A woman always had a piece of silk in her mouth. 

One day her friend asked,

"What is that?"

"No, it's just a slip of the tongue."

 

601

A cow wanted to go to her high school prom,

but she had nothing to wear.

All she had was the black and white skin she was born in and clothes cost too much.

Then she went to the pharmacy

and bought formal-de-hide

 

602

When the stock market goes into free fall,

sell phones are banned from the trading floor.

 

603

The cat triggered the fire alarms with her purr fumes.

 

604

She had a purrs from Gucci. Instead of meow, she said menow.

 

605

What's the best place to do needle work?

The sew-fa.

 

606

What should you call the son of a president?

First Laddie?

 

607

Why did the best digger in the ant colony become an author?

He wrote trench ant prose.

 

608

The axe murderer pleaded guilty and appealed for clemency.

"I didn't know it was illegal to kill an axe."

 

609

What is the most musical flower?

Jazzman.

 

610

Why did the naval officer refuse the offer of command of a submarine?

He didn't want to become a subtitle.

 

611

As a toddler, she sorted and classified her dolls and blocks and pacifiers.

When she grew up, she became a file-osopher.

 

612

Why did the bar of Ivory sing while she floated in the bathtub?

She dreamed of becoming a soap opera star.

 

613

Nickname for jokester who tweets a lot --

Twit Wit

 

614

Mao was disappointed when he learned he had a million followers.

He had hoped to have a million flowers.

 

615

Nickname for a cancer surgeon --

Lumper Jack.

 

616

Epitaph for vegetarian --

Rest in peas.

Epitaph for meatatarian --

Cowabonga and ground belief.

 

617

Easter is Easter,

and westerns are westerns,

and never Mark Twain shall meet.

 

618

What did Captain Picard say when he tore his uniform and the fix-it machine was broken? Make it sew.

 

619

What's the number one song on Twitter?

Tweet Georgia Brown.

 

620

She was a stickler for detail.

So for Easter she put little crosses as stirrers in tea cups.

She knew that in times of trouble, it's important to cross all your teas.

 

621

What does shitty cereal sound like?

Snap, crackle, poop.

 

622

Property law is about determining

what is yours

and what is arse.

 

623

A mobster named Tony specialized in fixing races.

He was very good at his job.

When he retired, he became a chef and restaurant owner. What well-known dish was named for him?

Rigger Tony

 

624

What's the sun's favorite furniture?

settee

 

625

Why did the jewelry freak out?

It got an eary feeling

 

626

Where do models play tennis?

In the S court.

 

627

The newcomer to the cemetery

asked his neighbors,

"Don't you get bored,

sequestered here for eternity?"

"It's not that bad," one of the ghosts replied,

"when you're grave stoned."

 

628

When the professional photographer modeled for herself

she paid herself a self fee.

 

629

When the impoverished gentleman

became a gardener,

he tilled the ground

with his old tally hoe.

 

630

The occupation of the

octogenarian octopus

was ink manufacturer.

 

631

When the kidnapper demanded ransom,

the man's family demanded proof of life,

but he objected,

"I hate proofreading, and I'm terrible at it."

 

632

Great singers experience a letdown

after their greatest performances.

Post opera-tive depression

 

633

I love my nose.

Of all the noses in the world,

that's the one I'd pick.

 

634

When Eliza from My Fair Lady

went to a fancy restaurant,

she was delighted that they had a ladies room.

She had never been treated like a lady before.

 

635

When Louis XVI's baker went on trial,

the crowd roared,

"Off with his bread."

 

636

Did you hear about the guy who loved food so much

that he became a astronaut?

He wanted to go to the Pleiades

to try a seven-star restaurant.

 

637

The numismatist

bought a ton of mint leaves

and wrapped his every coin in them

so they would be in mint condition.

 

638

New brand of disposable diapers

for night wear --

Pee Jays.

 

639

The cannibal became a world-class detective.

He was great at grilling suspects.

 

640

The comedian went to Scotland

in search of the legendary

Silly Ness Monster.

 

641

The Bostonian almost broke the sound barrier.

But he was of the mach.

 

642

She failed the office skills test

and didn't get the job.

 She wasn't' fast enough with spreadsheets.

She should have listened when her mom tried to

teach her how to make a bed.

She should have listened when her pyromaniac

boyfriend tried to teach her about accelerants.

 

643

The Bostonian reassured the lady,

"Don't worry ma'am.

I've got you covid."

 

644

When stars aren't famous enough to be known by name

do they get constellation prizes?

 

645

What is Satan's favorite dish?

Fried sole.

 

646

The surgeon was always careful before an operation.
That was pre-cision.

 

647

What's a good name for a turncoat saint?

Saintan.

 

648

New fast food chain

offering beer-soaked breakfast food --

Drunken Donuts.

 

649

"Sos! Sos!"

"What's wrong?"

"I'm making spaghetti,

and I need sos."

 

650

When protozoa split,

they cell-a-bate.

 

651

"SOS! SOS!"

"What's wrong?"

"I'm making spaghetti

and I need sos."

 

652

Authors who break grammatical laws

must pay the syn tax.

 

653

How did the leopard get his spots?

He caught leopardsy.

 

654

When the author got older

she became

an age-nt.

 

655

Never serve under a general whose feet are hard of hearing.

Deaf feet is no fun.

 

656

Suggested ad for liquor store --

Celebrate the fourth with a fifth.

Suggested address --

Fifth Avenue

 

657

The judge ruled that her coffee was so bad

that it was grounds for divorce.

 

658

A playwright's co-author is

a playmate.

 

659

Is a Twitter profile written in milk --

a profile lactate?

Is it likely to prevent pregnancy?

 

660

The American tourist

had a great time with an escort in Venice.

He gave her a generous tip and said, "Grazie."

She replied "Prego."

And he said, "Try the morning-after pill."

 

661

She fell in love with the gear.

Unfortunately, he was engaged.

 

662

She was impressed to hear that her Match date

was a broadcaster.

And he was muscular too.

Then he took her to the circus, his place of business,

and she realized what he meant --

throwing women

from one end of the big top to the other.

 

663

A 10K race is one in which

every participant has

at least 10K Twitter followers.

 

664

As the dowser said to the hole in the ground,

"Be well."

 

665

The author who was a French nobleman

was nicknamed

The Word Count.

 

666

Slogan for a specialty gym/exercise business --

Improve thigh self.

 

667

What is the slogan of the wine drinkers' branch of Alcoholics Anonymous?

Wine not

 

668

Why wouldn't the playboy date a violinist?

He wanted his relationships to be no strings attached.

 

669

Why did the would-be author join the army?

It's the only profession where

you spend half your time writing --

left write, left write.

 

670

What's a good name for a plumber who is an action hero? 

Flush Gordon

 

671

What should you call a sailing ship with an all-woman crew?

Gal-eon

 

672

The young goat was negative

about everything everywhere

until she was arrested

for being a nay-kid in public.

 

673

Someone who takes both a dog and a cat

to the veterinarian

is a repet customer.

 

674

Why did the fish go to medical school?

To become a sturgeon.

 

675

When a town in Turkey had an avalanche,

it destroyed every building but the mosque --

because a rolling stone gathers no mosque

 

676

Early man had a bad sense of direction

and often got lost.

That's how he earned the name

meanderthal man.

 

677

When the houses of Lancaster and York fought,

who came out on top?

The roofs.

 

678

Where do fruit go to get their shoes repaired?

The pear cobbler

 

679

When is a dress like music?

When it's a tune-ic

 

680

One day the boy caught nothing but a jellyfish.

But he didn't despair.

He knew that sooner or later he'd get its mate --

a peanut butter fish.

 

681

What constellation was named after

a notoriously crooked accountant?

The Big Dipper

 

682

Why did the chemist buy a ranch in Texas?

For his big experiment

he needed a cattle list.

 

683

A young horse is a colt.

What is a young unicorn?

An occult.

A young female unicorn is a willy.

If neutered she becomes a nilly.

The favorite toy of her and her brother is a unicycle.

 

684

The would-be genius

finally produced

his magnum hope-us

 

685

When Sherlock Holmes saw a purple man

at the scene of the crime,

he immediately arrested him,

knowing that he must be

the purple-traitor of the crime.

 

686

When the robot got appendicitis,

he was operated on by a plastic surgeon.

 

687

He thought he could make more time

with a timebomb.

But he blew it.

 

688

The notorious poacher

lived near a game preserve

famous for its pinball machines.

For breakfast, he had preserves and poached eggs on toast.

Otherwise, he was above repoach.

 

689

The orator was also an amateur doctor.

He had an anecdote for everything.

 

690

Today is when you

open the door to tomorrow.

 

691

On his expedition to New Guinea,

the anthropologist lost track of

his friend and travel companion, the Hobo,

until before dinner a tribal chief wished him,

"Bum appetit."

 

692

What is the favorite game of coffee plants? 

bean go

 

693

What do you call a worm's girl friend?  

bait mate

 

694

Why did Columbus buy the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Maria? 

They were on sail

 

695

What did the garbage say

when it was dumped into the sink? 

I am at your disposal.

 

696

Needless to say,
the acupuncturist turned baker
kneaded dough
with needles.

 

697

At lunch break

the zoo guard

relaxed with a book among the big cats.

He liked to read between the lions.

 

698

Greeting for jokesters --
May the farce be with you.

 

699

The pretentious Proust expert

was a proud prude.

 

700

A bad scholarly article is

uncitely.

 

701

The unpublished author

got a job writing promotional copy for Random House,

so close but yet so far from his goals.

He was stuck in the sub-blurbs.

 

702

The story didn't like being single,

and didn't want to get married.

She wanted to mature and grow into

a full-fledged mss.

 

703

After he retired,

the funeral director

set out to fulfill his life-long goal.

He wanted to go to the four coroners of Earth.

 

704

The arbitrator delayed his decision until New Year's.

He insisted that's the best time to make resolutions.

 

705

Why was the fruit vendor executed?

He dated the sheikh's wife.

 

706

Someone who freaks out when he can't get toast for breakfast has

lack toast intolerance.

 

707

He was afraid to go to the grocery store

because of the spreading virus.

But he couldn't fall asleep.

So he filled his shopping cart with bananas,

since he'd heard it's easy to sleep on banana peels.

 

708

Suggestion:

Series of early reading books for home schooling,

starting with

"Run, nose, run..."

 

709

The proof is in the reading.

 

710

She was very sensitive to the quality of music.

So she refused to go to Singapoor.

 

711

What's a witch's favorite place to live?

A broom with a view.

What's a witch's favorite tree?

A sweeping willow.

What's a witch's favorite compliment?

Son of a witch.

 

712

Why did the hen take her eggs for daily walks?

She needed the eggsercise.

 

713

The misbehaving computer node

received a ping slip.

 

714

The comedian was outraged

when his x-rated puns

were expunged.

 

715

Why did the Evangelical author avoid allusions?

Because they were a creation of Allusipher.

 

716

The abridgement was cleverly done,

excising everything of interest

so the reader wouldn't be tempted

to slow down and ponder.

It was an abridge too far.

 

717

The pessimist was the inventor of the wheel.

No matter how good the news,

he would say,

"Wheel see."

 

718

After he retired,

the inventor of the toilet

wrote a novel --

Watershit Down

 

719

The hitman committed the murder

in gold blood.

 

720

Message from Henry James' publicist:

Harry, Harry, Harry

Step right up.

Go to the Jim.

Exorcise is good for the soul.

 

721

If the Divine Comedy were set to music

how should it be played?

Andante

 

722

The hitman worked in customer service

for a company with a lifetime guarantee.

 

723

The gambler studied to become a professor

so he could profesize

and make a good profit.

 

724

To name their new nuclear submarine

the Navy went to Hollywood

and hired an expert in subtitles.

 

725

He wanted to write an autobiography

but he couldn't afford a car.

So, instead, he bought a ball

and wrote ballads.

 

726

When his body began to fial,

they put him on a feeding tube.

When his mind began to fail,

they put him on a YouTube.

 

727

The elderly widower donned a powdered wig

and the clothing of a gentleman from the days of Charles II. He had been alone for a long time

but now he really wanted

to be dated.

 

728

When she became a vegetarian

and he refused to follow suit,

they divorced;

and he wistfully told her,

"Some day we'll meat again."

 

729

If you are n a ship and nature calls

and the bathroom is occupied,

where should you go?

The poop deck.

 

730

Career choice --

social media or advertising?

blogging or flogging?

 

731

The author enjoyed hearing his own words,

so he put on a jacket that

repeated everything he said.

It was a doublet.

 

732

Very few insects have names.

One exception was a Japanese beetle --

Yoko Ono

 

733

On Match he explained that he wasn't

a hermit and a curmudgeon.

Rather he was a social caterpillar

with no desire to become a butterfly.

 

734

If the bene fits

wear it.

 

735

The perfect gift

for a heavy-drinking musician --

Bach beer.

 

736

I can play musical instruments.

But, unfortunately, I can't serious them.

 

737

She went by boat every day

from Staten Island to Manhattan

and back again,

hoping that one day she would meet

her Good Ferry.

 

738

The four-year-old boy put on a pilot's helmet

and headed for the chicken shed.

"What do you think you're doing?" asked his mother.

"I'm going to fly the coop."

 

739

Why did the New York police force recruit spiders?

For their sting operations.

 

740

Why did the New York police force recruit perfume?

For their stink operations.

 

741

Where did Noah's sons move? 

New Ark, New Jersey

 

742

What's the favorite puzzle game in Aruba?

Arubics cube

 

743

Why did Imelda Marcos marry a bubblegum manufacturer?

Because she heard he had millions of chews.

 

744

Dogs make good bark tenders.

 

745

What did one nuclear reactor say to the other?

Let's go fishin'

 

746

A couple of circles were walking up the street.

They passed a triangle

and one of the circles whistled.

"That's a cute angle."

 

747

"Can you teach me how to kel?"

"Kel? What's kel?"

Well, I already know how to snore,

and I'd like to be able to snor-kel.

 

748

An army troop found itself stranded and lost in the middle of the Sahara desert.

They had a jeep but had no idea which way to head.

So the driver started driving in an S pattern over and over again.

Then they had a jeepy S

and their problem was solved.

 

749

What's the extra fee you pay in a restaurant when you bring your kids?

The cubber charge

 

750

The favorite dish in New York

is central pork.

 

751

When King Midas traveled,

he always brought along a thousand slaves

who were suffering from colds.

They became known as the coughers of the king.

 

752

The rich lady flew somewhere every day.

She explained, "I just love plane yoghurt."

 

753

Owls work for the World Health Organization.

They are paid to remind us

WHO! WHO! WHO!

 

754

She was dead wrong about him.

He didn't lie when he told her he was a director

and could give her a start in the business.

But she didn't know he was a funeral director.

 

755

He was hungry and thirsty

and his boat was nearly out of fuel

But he had hope

because his charts showed

a sand bar straight ahead.

 

756

The guides and porters had lots of experience.

They grew up on the Amazon Deliver.

 

757

He said, "Ewe, ewe, ewe.

It's all about ewe."

So she left him

and moved to Boston,

where she became

a baamaid.

 

758

Brand name for a musical fertilizer --

AlleGro

 

759

Why do taxes
when you can call a taxi?

 

760

He studied accounting

because he wanted to become

a taxes ranger.

 

761

Tweety Bird says --

I taught I taught tautology.

 

762

How much wood would a nunchuck chuck

if a nunchuck could chuck wood?

 

763

Why did the Boston magician throw fish in the air? 

He was playing cod tricks.

 

764

Which animal is known for its drug addiction?  

The crack-o-dile

 

765

Why did a man try to masturbate with a stack of hundred-dollar bills? 

He wanted it to be known that he came into money.

 

766

What does God say to the Sun in the morning? 

Rise and shine.

 

767

When the president of the electrons behaved badly,

what was the headline in Current Affairs Magazine?

Revolting.

 

768

Why was the woman from Mars afraid to cry? 

She had eyes in the back of her head

and was afraid of back tear ia.

 

769

Why did the card shark want to go to the forest?

He wanted to gambol through the woods.

 

770

The first movie with sound was made in Wisconsin. 

That's why it was called a Milwaukee talkie.

 

771

What do you use to cut down apple trees? 

Apple saws.

 

772

What is the national insect of Saudi Arabia?  

The mosque toe

 

773

What is the favorite dance of grapes?

Vine dancing

 

774

When California had an identity crisis,

what did he say?  

Why am CA? (YMCA)

 

775

What was at the top of the priest's bucket list? 

To say the sacraments in Sacramento

 

776

What did the Jewish lady say about the Protestant singer? 

He has an amazing goyce

 

777

Alice in Wonderland invited a French chef to her tea party. 

He was known as the Mad Hauter

 

778

Why was it that Rose, the tennis pro, never held her racket with two hands? 

She didn't want to be known as Second Hand Rose

 

779

What do you call a mythical bird who runs an employment agency?  

A jobberwocky

 

780

Who are the grossest sailors in the world?  

The Volgar boatmen.

 

781

A wheat farmer from Nebraska

was so worried about details of his crop

that he got my grains.

 

782

Why did the recruiter for the fruit army seek out raisins and prunes? 

Because they are dried and true.

 

783

Why was Satan's restaurant popular?

Because the food was hellthy.

 

784

What happened when Kafka jumped on a trampoline? 

The Czech bounced.

 

785

Someone who seriously thinks ahead plans for

threemorrow.

 

786

What kind of car does a wealthy chef drive?

A Caviac

 

787

When the Quakers first came to America,

they sailed in a friendship.

 

788

A cat-erpillar becomes a butterfly.  

What does a dog-erpillar become?  

an angel

 

789

When guardian snowmen were placed around the palace,

what did they say to intruders?

Ice see you.

 

790

When the head chef ran into difficulties,

he told his staff

there is no insupperable problem.

 

791

What would you say if you saw a Chinese vase hanging over a wishing well?

That's over well Ming.

 

792

What is the ability to do great things? 

Greativity

 

793

What is the most responsible season?

Ought-um

 

794

Jerry Lee Lewis was Jewish, and his favorite holiday was Passover. 

How do we know this? 

Because he wrote the song

Great Matza Balls of Fire.

 

795

When he retired, the founder of the ROTC became a photographer of celebrities.

Then he became known as Pappa ROTC

 

796

How did the Peruvian police catch the international criminal? 

He was on the llama.

 

797

What kind of explosives did they use in the Jurassic Age? 

Dinomite

 

798

What mathematical skill is most important for time travel? 

Memorizing the times tables.

 

799

Did you hear about the baby vegetable

who dreamed of becoming a boy sprout?

 

800

Have you ever been to a symphony of flowers

played by an orchid stra?

 

801

Did you hear about the rookie lawyer

who went to a women's clothing store

because he needed briefs?

 

802

Why are bald eagles becoming extinct? 

Rogaine

 

803

Most Mexican food is hot. 

What Mexican food is cold? 

brrr itos

 

804

What Florida city was founded by a Mexican Indian tribe? 

Maya ami

 

805

What do you call someone who wears two watches? 

A two timer

 

806

Why did the lady with the messy hair look for a beehive? 

She hoped to find a honey comb.

 

807

What western hero never paid his bills? 

Wild Bill Hickok

 

808

What did Francis Drake give Queen Elizabeth for her birthday? 

A sir kiss on the cheek.

 

809

What do you call a strawberry with wings?  

A fruit fly.

 

810

What would be a good name for a spokesperson for French wineries? 

Grape Suzette.

 

811

What did the lady log say to her husband?

You look very extinguished.

 

812

What did the near-sighted lady say when she walked through a warehouse full of ladders? 

What's rung with these people?

 

813

Did you hear about the pregnant rope who had twines?

 

814

If you wanted to travel from Time Square to Russell Square, what kind of ticket should you buy? 

A square trip ticket

 

815

A college student who has to repeat his first year is called a refreshment.

 

816

Champion female deer are transparent.  

They are known as "win does."

 

817

What type of dessert was invented by an ape? 

Merangutan

 

818

What did the coffee say when he joined alcoholics anonymous? 

"It happened every morning.  I was in my cups and then I was drunk."

 

819

When a dinghie goes bezerk,

how do you get it under control?  

With a ding bat.

 

820

What do cows wear? 

Udder pants. 

That's udderly ridiculous.

 

821

Annie Oakley was much more accurate with her shooting when she was chewing bubble gum.  

That's why the crowd would shout

"Annie get your gum!"

 

822

What do you call it when a woman boss hits on a man at the office? 

His-assment

 

823

What was the comedian's favorite venue?

The Statue of Liberty.

He liked to perform ad lib.

 

824

In the middle of the desert, a dying man was saved by a beautiful woman. 

They married. 

They had 10 children and 30 grandchildren. 

Then he woke up and realized it was a mar-age

 

825

Where did the convict go to live when he was released from prison? 

An ex-condominium.

 

826

Why was the bureau accepted as an undergraduate at Yale?

Because he was a smart dresser

 

827

What's the favorite musical instrument of fishermen?

Bass-soon

 

828

In the library, two books had been shelved beside one another for years. 

They were in love and very happy. 

Then one day someone took one of the books. 

The one left behind was devastated. 

She couldn't stop crying, until a friend reminded her,

"Better read than dead."

 

829

What do you call an aspiring young cartoonist? 

a stripling

 

830

The new opioid crisis.

Addiction to doxiecuntin.

 

831

An Irish editor

is a Gaelic galley slave

 

832

The bull wanted to ride in the back of the train

because that's where

the cow booze was.

 

833

He was working too hard,

going too fast,

so he put on the breaks.

 

834

What is the theme song of

Frosty, star reporter for Snow Flake News?

"Nobody snows the trouble I've seen ..."

 

835

As a young boy he practiced pick-up-sticks obsessively,

hoping to one day be known as a pick-up artist

and thereby impress girls.

 

836

Thumbelina rode

a rhododendron

in a rodeo

at the Rhodes Bowl

and became a Rhodes Scholar.

 

837

He was in an elevator, surrounded by

beautiful women and a policeman.

The lights went out.

He made a mistake.

He meant to cop a feel.

Instead he felt a cop.

 

838

Facebook and Twitter are cracking down on false and misleading postings --

no ifs, ands, or bots.

 

839

The hacker was proud of his bot.

It was an artistic masterpiece

a boticelli.

 

840

She said, "I'll call you later," and hung up.

He called back.

"Who's this?" she asked.

He replied, "You know me as Mr. Later."

 

841

When the Eskimo broke the lease

on his igloo,

he was arrested

for flake rent criminality.

 

842

Eve was naive.

She thought an adam bomb was a fart.

 

843

She wanted to lose weight.

So she went to college

hoping to be enlightened.

 

844

What famous novel was written to

promote car insurance?

Report to Gecko by Kazantzakis.

 

845

The cheese was an excellent author,

but he didn't want to win any awards

for fear that he would be grated.

 

846

Imagine a character, due to the author's blunders,

is going into shlock.

 

847

On really hot days

do Good Humor trucks

now sell potsicles?

 

848

They are having a new bathroom installed,

with a Euro-pee-in toilet.

 

849

The humerus is the funny bone.

 

850

He proofed and edited his novel over and over again. It was remarkable.

 

851

The proof is not in the pudding.

It's in the reading.

 

852

The grammarian felt out of place

until he moved to Parsippany.

 

853

When the grammarian got drunk

he forgot how to use parsetipples.

 

854

When the grammarian went into a coma

his life went on parse.

 

855

Something's lost

and something's gained

in living every day.

That's the trouble with diets.

 

856

When the family dog died,

the novel desperately tried to rewrite himself.

He explained,

"I don't want my owner to put me down."

 

857

The construction worker learned to

hypnotize himself

so he could do his job sleepwalking

and have all his waking hours for himself.

Every night his wife wished him

"Sweat dreams."

 

858

Theme song of movers --

Hello Dolly.

 

859

He turned left

then left again

and again,

and shouted,

"I shall return!"

 

860

When the alien author arrived on Earth,

he said, "Take me to your reader."

 

861

Before eating dinner,

he put the plate on his head

and danced a jig.

He wanted balanced nutrition.

 

862

He went shoeless when writing non-fiction.

That made it easier to handle footnotes.

 

863

Her boyfriend was an author.

So she wished him

sweet reams

of paper.

 

864

Fensing is fun,

but which side is the right side?

de-fense?

or off-fense?

En garde!

 

865

Twitter is an amplifier.

Its power is measured not in decibels, but in followers,

who both hear and speak.

We're all in Whoville

trying to be heard.

Retweet after me...

 

866

Foot-in-mouth disease leads to what medical problem? 

Toe-main poisoning

 

867

Why did the guy from New Jersey propose to a society lady with a budweiser? 

She said she preferred de beers

 

868

What is the favorite vacation resort of drunkards?

Bar Harbor

 

869

When a hooker is well satisfied,

you hear whore moans

 

870

How did Rembrandt tell time in the middle of the night? 

With his night watch

 

871

What would you call a lunar retreat for religious fanatics? 

A moonastery

 

872

What's the sleepiest part of America?

Napa Vallley

 

873

Why are most demons slender and fit? 

They get a lot of exorcise.

 

874

Why do witches like to go on cruises?

The broom service is great.

 

875

Who first popularized the scent of musk for men's cologne? 

The three musk-eteers

 

876

What's a good name for a movie about an orgy in a nursing home? 

Cialis in Wonderland

 

877

What do you call friendship among photographers?

Camera-derie

 

878

What does a Jewish duck say?

honk, honka, honika

 

879

What should you call adhesive paper with jokes printed on it?

Tickler tape.

 

Speaking in Tongues

 

1

What do you say when someone dies in Venice? 

Gondolences

 

2

What illness is unique to gentiles? 

Goy-ter

 

3

What is COBOL?  

An ancient geek language.

 

4

The concord grape's ambition was to become the raisin d'etre.

His brother just wanted to be raisin' hell.

 

5

What do rich Italians say to their babies?  

"Gucci Gucci goo."

 

6

When the American student travelled to Spain, he was confident that he'd never go hungry on the bus.  In a pinch, he could always eat the emergency salad (salida de emergencia)

 

7

What's a good name for an elementary school mathematics tournament?  

Battle of the Sum

 

8

When will that mathematics tournament be held? 

Sum day

 

9

What do dogs say to one another at the start of a meal?

bone appetit"

 

10

What does a Frenchman say when he knocks off someone's wig?  

Toupee

 

12

What is the polite thing to say when someone sneezes on you in Spain?

Mucus gracias.

 

13

What was the theme song of the Cuban Revolution?

Adeste Fidelis

 

14

What do you call a bus travel nightmare?  

A coach mar

 

15

What do you call a Spanish pig who is always asking why?  

Por que Pig

 

16

What do cows and citizens of Barcelona have in common?  

They both speak cattle-an

 

17

What did Barbra Streisand say to Arnold Schwarzenegger when he won Mr. America?

Muscle tov

 

18

A Chinaman who signed up for a table tennis tournament was outraged by the color of the balls.  

"I thought this was pink pong."

 

19

What do you call an Italian-Jewish resort for divorcees?  

a spa gett

 

20

What do you call the recruiting period for Jewish fraternities and sororities? 

Rush hoshana.

 

21

What language do ropes speak?

Thai

 

22

Where in Paris can you buy underwear made out of bread?  

The Boule Lingerie

 

23

Name an Argentinian communist comedian.  

Gaucho Marx.

 

24

What's the favorite line-dancing music in Israeli bars? 

Have a tequila

 

25

In France, an old lady with a job as a court recorder is known as a "noter dame".

 

26

What French Painter loved the colors red and black?

Red-noir

 

27

Janitor's philosophy --

Je pense donc je sweep.

 

28

To a Frenchman, what is the simplest, most unsophisticated drink?

Naive tea

 

29

In France, when a builder of highways has regrets,

he rues the day.

 

30

In Paris, what do you call a sudden craving for bread?

A pain-ic attack

 

31

In France, woman hugs her husband and whispers"

"Homme, sweet homme."

 

32

In August almost nothing is or sale in Paris.  

It's all solde.

 

33

What is the sexiest town on the Rhone River?

Tournon (Turn-on)

 

34

What do you call the United Nations organization for the protection of snails?

UNESCARGOT

 

35

What do you call a young French beggar?

A beguette

 

36

I'd rather carpe deam than carpe diem --

Grab the goddess.

 

37

How do shell fish congratulate each other?

Mussel tov

 

38

French compliment.

Magni chique

 

39

When Benedict Arnold retired, he became a caterer in Paris --

Un traiteur

 

40

A single lady in France is known as an homme-less person.

 

41

What's the name of the French artist who cut off his ear and ran to Tahiti?

Van Gaughin

 

42

What university in Germany is designed for overweight students?

Tubingen (too big 'un)

 

43

How should you congratulate a Jewish weight-lifting champion?

Muscle tov

 

44

Target in France is pronounced "Tarjay".

In India, it is the Tarjmahal.

 

45

What do you call the mother of all cherries?

Ma Cherie

 

46

Why was Carl Jung happier than Sigmund Freud?

Because he knew that he would be Jung forever.

 

47

Russian billboard:

Join the beet generation.

Eat Borscht.

 

48

Definition of "apres new,"

the same new thing.

 

49

Name for French-American porno company --

Cum See

 

50

When the suspect is an egotist,

cherchez la fame.

 

51

Extraterrestrials are big fans of German singing.

That's why they always say,

"Take me to your lieder."

 

52

A couple of Spanish letters

met by accent

and fell in love

tilde the end of time.

 

53

The three levels of English study --

English as second language

English as minute language

English as hour language.

 

54

English lesson:

Comparative and superlative adjectives --

fast

faster

fastest

should

shoulder

shouldest

 

55

English lesson:

First conjugation --

Let's do it.

First declension --

Not now.

 

56

The Irish National Band

was banned in Boston

because it was

Gay Lick.

 

57

Ancient Greeks

who colonized Spain

were among the first

to recognize the divinity of Christ,

saying,

with their newly acquired accent --

"Hey, Zeus."

 

58

No sechs for you

sept if you okt right

and stop neuning me

by zehning things

that no elf ever should.

 

59

English conjugation:

lead, lid, led

hide, hid, head

sleigh, slid, sled

both, bid, bed

want, won't, wed

 

60

Always take chocolate with you

when you travel far,

for a bon bon voyage.

 

61

How is a picture like a robot's foot?

It's a faux toe

 

62

Title of book about the wisdom of acupuncture --

Poke Lore

The Japanese translation of that book--

Pokemon

 

63

The Secret of Nyms --

sin-o-nyms

homo-nyms

aunt-o-nyms

uncle-nyms

and nym wits

 

64

How do Spaniards toast?

I beer ya.

 

65

What do you call a Japanese mobster?  

hit-achi

 

66

The policeman was disturbed to see on the menu

"cop au vin."

 

67

In the Middle Ages, the seats at the University of Paris were notorious for being uncomfortable.

That's how the school came to be known as

The Sore Bun.

 

68

When the choir was caught shoplifting,

the judge sent them to Sing Sing.

 

69

What did Czar Alexander II do to publishing in Russia?

He freed the serifs.

No longer would words be shackled in Times Roman.

Rather they would be free in Helvetica and Arial.

 

70

German math --

What number is the least moist?

drei

the scariest?

vier

the most fun?

sechs

the most sound of mind?

zehn

the most magical?

elf

 

71

A 40-year-old

who feels like a teenager

is quaranteened.

 

72

Good night,

or as the German stripper said,

"Gute naked."

 

73

Germans are very sincere.

They don't just say "danke."

they say, "Feelen danke."

 

74

What should you call

the best instrument for making colored pictures?

crayon de la crayon

 

75

They advertised their new business as

a b&d b&B

and targeted German tourists --

"Fear plus sex is sane."

 

76

Thinking of Dante's comic wit --

Devils have scalding hot teeth.

As the Germans say:

our bite

mocked

fry.

 

77

The composer

Frere Dvor Jacques

also invented the dormer window.

 

78

What do you call a fast-food restaurant for small dogs?

pet eat (petite)

 

79

A Frenchman was looking for an apartment in Manhattan.

A beautiful real estate agent showed around.

It was a long day, but they had a great time together.

When she said, "This one has a great view. Do you want it?"

He replied, "That depends?"

"On what?"

"I want a room with a vous."

 

80

When she finished her first novel

she broke out in song --

"Felice Novelidad!"

 

81

The lady lived in Normandy

not the Riviera.

So instead of Sudoku

she played Nordoku.

 

82

In Greece when you tip your waiter what are you supposed to say?  

Enjoy your dinar

 

83

What's the favorite color in Istanbul? 

Turk quoise

 

84

The Latina insisted,

"We are friends solamente."

He replied,

"I'm glad you finally realize

we are solemates.

I hope we can become bodymates as well.

 

85

What do you call a samurai

who prefers firearms to swords?

The Shogun's shotgun.

 

86

"Why didn't you fill in your address

on this application form?"

The Frenchman answered, "Of course not.

I live on the Left Blank."

 

 

Letter and Number Play

 

1

What is the theme song of the letter V?  

I will follow U

 

2

What is the most generous letter?

Q

You've often heard "thank q"

 

3

What letter is renowned for its archery?

L

He uses his L bow.

 

4

Which letter is an alcoholic?

O

You've heard of wine-o

 

5

What is the most romantic letter?

U

People often say "I love U".

 

11

On what day of the year are there only 25 letters in the alphabet?

Christmas (No-el)

 

12

Which letter is the boss of the alphabet?

D

You've heard of the Maitre D

 

13

Where does D live? 

Beyond the C

 

14

The bizarre effects of the suffix "e" in English

sing, singe

bing, binge

win, wine

fin, fine

for, fore

rang, range

ton, tone

man, mane

rod, rode

rob, robe

sit, site

rat, rate

mat, mate

pur, pure

can, cane

shin, shine

 

15

Bizarre word pairs:

price and prize

spice and spies

lice and lies

vice and vies

rice and rise

nose and noise

toes and toys

was and ways

 

16

What is the most courageous letter?

O, as in brave o, or bravo

 

17

What is the most optimistic letter?

K, as in K sera sera.

 

18

What's the meanest letter in the alphabet?

T.  

You've heard to cruel T.

 

19

Which number spends a lot of time in the hospital?

Six.  

He suffers from perpetual sixness.

 

20

Which number misbehaves more than any other number?

Zero.

It's very naughty.

 

21

The number three had a longstanding problem with number five.  

He could never get even.

 

22

Did you hear about the cute verb

who was prepositioned

an infinitive number of times?

 

23

As the French baby said,

"Chacun a son goo-goo."

 

24

How can you say love in three characters:

2 = 1

 

25

Old MacDonald loved his vowels,

e i e i o,

and on his farm he had a ewe...

 

26

The sentences fell in love

when their ellipses touched.

 

27

When 7 fell in love with 8, what did she say?

Be 9.

 

28

Two-character rebuke --

0 T

naught tee

 

29

What did the conjunctions do when they fell in love?

They held ands.

 

30

The head of counter-intelligence was fired

because he can't see the first

for the threes.

 

31

The letter A fell for the letter F.

She loved his consonantal flair.

 

32

Proposed regenderfictation of English --

womantra

womandala

womanagement

womanicurist

womaneuverability

womanufactured

womanuscript

womanysplendoured

 

33

20, 30, and 40 all had the same problem --

they were all tens.

Gone didn't have that problem --

he was past tense.

 

34

The manuscript was tired of being

the writer's format.

But what choice did he have?

He hated seeing double.

But he didn't want to be single for the rest of his life.

 

35

7 had a lump.

He was afraid it was cancer.

But he was lucky.

2 more made him be 9.

 

36

The letter A fell in love with the letter D.

He had consonantal flare and

his wisdom was in-F-able.

 

37

The cute number went for an addition and got the gig --

she had a byting wit.

 

38

How do numbers avoid pregnanacy?

Logarithm

 

39

He wanted to speak the ineffable.

But it was difficult to pronounce words without f's.

 

40

The alphabet was very sad.

She only had 25 letters.

She missed her X.

 

41

Ten was heartbroken when he realized that

his love was unrequited.

With sobs, he told to his one and only

"You will never be nine."

 

42

This swashbuckling grammatical love triangle

involves Error Flynn, Miss Take, and Type O.

 

43

Which number is the most modest and unassuming?

3.14

Humble pi.

 

44

A poet returned from a trip to the land of numbers

and told his friends about the experience.

Best of all, he said,

was when I met a four.

 

45

What is the weirdest pair of letters in the alphabet?

P and Q.

They are peculiar.

 

46

Why did the cute little number marry 666? 

Because he was very sixy.

 

47

What's the most special letter in the alphabet?  

T. 

You've heard of Special T.

 

Bedtime Whimsy and Romance

 

1

An elderly couple stood on the bridge of a cruise ship and started singing loudly "A, e, i, o, u." over and over again. 

The captain asked, "What are you doing?"  

"Renewing our vowels."

 

2

What do they call the volunteers at Las Vegas hospitals?

Candy Strippers

 

3

What do you call a brilliant beautiful woman?

PhD = pretty hot dame

 

4

What did the cartographer and his wife do after lunch?

They had an afternoon map.

 

5

When hypnotists fall in love what do they do for dates?  

They go trancing

 

7

What do you call a loose-moralled dental assistant?

Dental floosie.

 

8

Another name for a boat show -- ship tease

 

9

Why did a husband give his wife rouge, eyeliner, and lipstick for Christmas?

He was hoping for makeup sex.

 

10

Which came first, the chicken, the egg, or the teenage boy?  

The teenage boy.  

He was very horny

 

11

Which Paris church is the favorite of prostitutes? 

Notre Madame

 

12

When a shy man sees a beautiful lady at the buffet,

he rushes up and puts potato chips on her plate.  

"What are you doing?" she asks.  

"That's my way of saying I'd like to have a relation chip with you."

 

13

Title for a movie about Internet romance?

Love, Tweet Love

 

14

What dairy product is used as an aphrodisiac?  

Tantric yoghurt

 

15

St Patrick's Day greeting:

Kiss me.

I'm part Irish.

Keep kissing till you find the right part.

 

16

Another St. Patrick's Day greeting:

May all your off-color jokes be green.

 

17

Are you looking for an older man?  

I guarantee I'll get older.

I'll get older every day,

Just for you.  

That's true devotion.

 

18

What do you call a couple who just had sex for the first time?

Newly beds.

 

19

What do you call a street-side matchmaker?

A meet-her maid.

 

20

Where are the best topless clubs in Italy?

Niples.

 

21

When the grammarians married,

they exchanged vowels

 

22

Someone tried to borrow a cough lozenge from a lady of the night.  

She replied, "I don't give away my sucrets."

 

23

An Egyptian princess reaching puberty and growing sizable breasts wanted to show them off.  Her parents reprimanded her frequently, leading to her nickname --

Never Titi.

 

24

Definition of a chastity belt.  

Pubic defender.

 

25

What do you call it when a thief is caught by a waitress from Hooters? 

Busted.

 

26

What do you call  a guy who has strong sexual needs?

An urge-gent.

 

27

She looks great in a little black dress,

but she would look even better in a freudian slip.

 

28

Name for new resort on the Pacific coast of Mexico -- Puerto Viagra

 

30

I'm looking for a one-life stand.  

But you build a life one night at a time.

Are you free tonight?

 

31

The mendicant monk had no possessions,

so for Lent

he gave up celibacy.

 

32

What do you call a scientist who studies farts?  

A gas-tronomer.

 

33

What do you call a hooker who is menstruating?  

A period piece

 

34

What is the bible of grammarians?  

The Comma Sutra.

 

35

When Members of the House want to have congress with escorts,

who pays the bill?
The Inappropriations Committee.

 

36

What kind of bed do newly weds prefer? 

Kink size.

 

37

When the chicken and the egg had sex, which came first?

 

38

What do you call a gentile gigolo?

A goy toy

 

39

What do you call the study of sex?  

Science Friction.

 

40

Why did the Buddhist go to a nudist camp?  

She preferred her yogi bare

 

41

The minister at a gay wedding pronounced, "I join you in holy patrimony."

 

42

The would-be Casanova majored in cliterature.

 

43

By law pharaohs had to mate with their sisters. 

When a friend asked Cleopatra how she felt about this practice, she replied,

"He's very good inbred."

 

44

What do Moslems say to their girlfriends on February 14?  

Will you be my veil-in-tine?

 

45

What do you call a successful prostitute?  

A busy body

 

46

Why did the strip club owner buy a Labrador retriever?  

He wanted to offer lab dances.

 

47

Her vagina is a members-only club.

 

48

What's the favorite treat of male cats?

cat nipple

 

49

What does the Declaration of Independence have in common with a sex manual? 

The opening words are "When intercourse..."

 

50

Why did Eve invent the first diet? 

She wanted to keep her girlish fig.

 

51

What do you call an afternoon breast feeding session?  

Teat time

 

52

What's another word for a porn magazine?  

Pubication.

 

53

A Moslem was having sexual performance problems.  

So he went to his doctor who told him,

"Take four wives and call me in the morning."

 

54

What did the clam say to his girlfriend?

Shell we chowder together?

 

55

What did the sex pervert order for an appetizer? 

fetish-chini

 

56

What happens when a young girl eats too many pies?

She becomes a tart.

 

57

Why did the elevator button have trouble forming romantic relationships?  

He was pressed, depressed, and repressed.

 

58

What do you call the back side of the knee?  

"the knee pit"

and a kiss there is call a "kneep"

 

59

What's the most romantic fragrance? 

lovender

 

60

Why was the trumpet player nervous about his first date with a wonderful woman?  

He was afraid he would blow it.

 

61

As they neared climax, the lady said, "You're a nice man."

He replied, "The nice man cometh."

 

62

What European bug is associated with love?  

The Roman tick.

 

63

A bride who marries well is well groomed.

 

64

"Honey, can you call room service, please."  

"No dear.  We're on our honeymoon.  What you need is groom service."

 

65

How did the Lone Ranger meet his wife?  

They were rangers in the night.

 

66

I love being with you. 

I love being in you.  

That's innuendo.

 

67

Pornographers write with pen and kink.

 

68

When the stripper slithered out of her underwear, what did the holy roller in the audience chant?

Repant! Repant!

 

69

Recipe for love:

mix two souls

add flesh

stir by hand

melt with passion

season to taste

repeat as desired

desire often

 

70

What's a favorite song about cuddling?

Spoon River

 

71

What's the favorite love song of apes?

Gorill of my dreams.

 

72

Heartbreak is emotion sickness.

 

73

What does the baker say to his loving wife?

Would you like to jump my scones?

 

74

What do you call a sexy English person?

anglo sexon

 

75

What should you call the short version of the Kama Sutra?

Clit Notes

 

76

When the entire crew stared at hula dancer and neglected their duties,

the captain remarked

"Loose hips sink ships."

 

77

When a poor Arab proposed to his rich girl friend, she was delighted that he was poor,

and hence couldn't afford other wives.

She would be his sole mate.

 

78

Why did the lady dance with a computer in her hand?

She wanted to give her partner a laptop dance.

 

79

The fork fell in love with a knife in shining armor.

 

80

Toast to a hooker --

bottoms up.

 

81

An older woman going on Match.com is going antique shopping.

 

82

When Joseph used a condom, what was the event called?

The immaculate contraception.

 

83

What do you call a stripper's cleavage?

Silicone Valley

 

84

What should a groom wear when getting married online?

A textedo

 

85

A woman can't find her husband.

She sees a big box with wrapping paper and a ribbon, addressed to her.

She opens it, and her husband pops out.

"What are you doing?" she asks.

"I'm living in the present, like you asked me to."

 

86

What did the river want from the hooker?

a flow job

 

87

Profile of a zombie on Match.com -

"I'm looking for someone with a good sense of horror."

 

88

They were well matched.

He went out for swimming to learn the breast stroke.

And she went out for crew to become a cocks woman.

 

89

Ad for a Nevada "ranch" --

Where you can get the most bang for your buck.

 

90

A proverbial adverbial problem --

They hardly knew one another,

and he wanted to know her hardly.

 

91

Confuse Us say,

"He who is unfaithful to his wife

begets what he deserves."

 

92

Definition of "tease shirt":

T-shirt with nipples cut out

 

93

When computer geeks want sex,

they have rebootie calls.

 

94

Prayer of old man taking Viagra with his communion wine

"I believe in the res-erection."

 

95

How can you tell men from women, sitting across the room from you, when they are wearing identical clothes and have identical haircuts?

Men cross their legs with the top leg horizontal, so as not to squeeze themselves in a delicate place.

Women sit with their knees together and their feet apart. Or if they cross their legs, the top leg hangs vertical and is tight to the other.

 

96

If you like tea and strumpets,

you should go to Vegas.

 

97

Why did the old lady reject the handsome young man from Match?

He was an undertaker and she was afraid he just wanted her for her body.

 

98

What did the cornstalk say in his Match profile?

"I'm wise beyond my ears."

 

99

On Match,

you win some,

you loathe some.

That's life.

 

100

Headline for Match profile --

"Used life for sale."

 

101

The Declaration of Sexual Independence begins:

When intercourse of human events ...

 

102

Song for the perfect Twitter-mate:

"For he's a jolly good follow."

 

103

When an unmarried man and woman live together, they should be known as

husfriend and wifetress.

 

104

The porn star graduated cum louder

 

105

Definition of brassiere --

booby trap

Definition of stripper --

booby strap tease artist

 

106

Ya vas lyublyu

said the Russian, meaning "I love you."

Her American cumrade replied "I lube you too."

 

107

Artists met

drawing on a draw bridge

and became bridge partners.

 

108

Those who would rather have fun in bed than watch TV

prefer the lube tube to the boob tube.

 

109

When robot couples marry,

they become auto-mates.

 

110

Name for an ebook store focusing on pornography --

Kinkle

 

111

His third wife refused to divorce him.

She didn't want to be known as

his triple X-wife.

 

112

Nostalgic avocado love song --

How are things in guacamole?

 

113

The chess grandmaster went to art class

because he had talent for drawing.

That's how nearly all his games ended.

And he had the luck of the draw when he married a beautiful but boring woman --

a stale mate.

 

114

For emergency sympathy and affection,

call the

First Be Fonders.

 

115

When a shy man sees a beautiful lady at the buffet,

he rushes up and puts potato chips on her plate.

"What are you doing?" she asks.

"That's my way of saying I'd like to have a relation chip with you."

 

116

When a poor Arab proposed to his rich girl friend, she was delighted that he was poor.

That meant she would be his sole mate.

 

117

When a gay couple inherited the throne of Slobovia

they proudly called themselves the Kink and Queen.

 

118

Product idea --

The Night-T,

alternative to the nightie.

Plain cotton t-shirt

comes with magic markers for adding names and inappropriate slogans.

Has circular Velcro patches over cut-outs in front and

Velcro quick-remove zipper in back.

 

119

Why did the young lady strive to be a fast friend,

a fast runner,

a fast learner, and

a fast date as well?

Because fasting is a great way to lose weight.

 

120

Why did the aging Spanish gentleman have a sex change operation?

For his memory.

He hoped that if he were a seniora

he wouldn't have senior moments.

 

121

Alternate name for a vibrator --

a laidle

Consumer of said device --

a laidie

 

122

Proposed TV series,

"Leave It to Cleavage" --

candid reactions of men in authority

when confronted with wrong-doers

who happen to be

large-busted ladies in revealing attire.

 

123

What should you call a short pornographic book?

Book-clit

 

124

Dude is the past tense of the verb to do,

as in "I want to do you."

"I dude you."

 

125

A man with ten wives is

decimated.

 

126

How to say "see you later"

to your Mexican girlfriend --

"Hasta la kissa."

 

127

Ad for the Red Light Bootique:

Bootie calls delivered

express femail.

 

128

Who was the best endowed classic movie star?

Long Chaney

 

129

Why did the young lady want to go to an Ivy League College?

Because it was well endowed.

 

130

The real story of why Eve got kicked out of Eden:

She used a dating app,

and the guy to whom she was sending flirtatious texts

turned out to be

God.

 

131

What did the celibate cell do

when his girlfriend rejected him?

He split,

then split again

and again

and lived happily ever after

with his new family.

132

How to propose long-distance with few words --

I mrs. you.

 

133

She sent him nude pictures of herself

because she wanted to be

his gif friend.

 

134

Lost bawdy play by Shakespeare:

Ass, You Like It

 

135

The philosopher was asking the wrong questions.

Instead of looking for the meaning of life,

he should be looking for

the meaning of wife.

 

136

If there were temple prostitutes in ancient Israel,

they should have been called

seducees.

 

137

What should an author give his girlfriend on Valentine's Day?

A book-ay --

A basket full of romantic novels.

 

138

Biblical wisdom --

For out of lust wast thou made

and unto lust shalt thou return.

 

139

What Caesar really said --

I saw.

I conquered.

I came.

 

140

The new spokesperson for Viagra

is a talking horse --

Mr. ED

 

141

Why did the sexy lady

pay for all-day parking?

She believed in car pay diem.

 

142

The kitten,

an unrequited lover,

purr sisted.

 

143

Ad for the Love Cruise Line --

Which of our ships meets your needs?

The Steamer

The Relation Ship

The Friend Ship

The Missed the Boat

 

144

Suggested name for website publishing erotic writing --

Flesh Fiction

 

145

He was very phond of her.

So he sang her a LOLaby.

 

146

What did the prospector say

when he found a nugget of gold --

"I love you. Be mine."

 

147

She agreed to get silicone implants

if he did too --

for his biceps.

 

148

He wasn't picky. His tastes were catholic.

But when it came to picking up women,

the ex-priest didn't have a prayer.

So he went to the gym,

and became a muscleman.

 

149

When the skiddle got the hots for the dough,

what did the dough do?  

She cried crepe

 

150

When a watermelon married a dog, what happened?  

They had a watermelon collie baby

 

151

Strippers often suffer from clothes-too-phobia --

the fear of wearing too much clothing.

 

152

What old brand of car was clothing optional?  

The Nudebaker.

 

153

Why did the cheerleader want to date a cleancut pre-med student named William?

She wanted a clean Bill of health

 

154

The boss didn't want to be accused of her ass ment,

so he fondled her breasts instead.

 

155

What is the best way for a woman to recognize true love?

The clitmus test.

 

156

Why does the scientist hope to meet a lady he both loves and hates?

He wants to be of two minds

to double his brain power.

 

157

He majored in topology in college because

so he could study topless dancers

 

158

What happens when orcs fall in love?

They have orcasms.

 

159

What did the sink say to the toilet?

Dear John ...

 

160

She met a member of Congress

and learned that Viagra

is a congressional aide.

 

161

The lover of blow jobs was delighted to learn that

a sucker is born every minute.

 

162

In what realm of life is less more?

Women's clothing.

 

163

What do you call the part of a mansion that is designed for sex?

The do-wing.

 

164

Before they married

they went to the gym

and sculpted themselves.

Then they divorced

and exsculpated.

 

165

What did Thumbelina say to her one true love?

"I want to dance on your stomach.

Then I'll be a belly dancer."

 

166

What word do you think of when a beautiful lady spreads her legs?

Lickedysplit.

 

167

What prize did the kitten give the tom cat the first time they did anal?

cat ass trophy

 

168

His girlfriend was going to dump him

unless he dropped 30 lbs.

So he carried a box full of books

and dropped it on the sidewalk.

 

169

The Platinum rule --

One good turn on

deserves another.

 

170

She had a heated floor

because she never wanted a lover

to get cold feet.

 

171

"I want you to enter me," she said.

He replied,

"Let me entertain you.

Let me make you smile."

 

172

The politician enjoyed campaigning,

but he especially looked forward

to erection day.

 

173

The politician enjoyed campaigning,

but he especially looked forward

to erection day.

 

174

The lady was disappointed with her husband's performance,

so she went shopping in the hardware store.

 

175

The first commandment of the religion of love --

do others

as they do you.

 

176

Why did the lady want to marry the pistol?

Because he was loaded.

 

177

While you are away,

please drink absinthe often;

because absinthe makes the heart grow fonder.

 

178

After a life of piety,

Angela repented

and opened the Bar Nun.

 

179

I'll miss your kisses
at Kissmiss time.

 

180

What is the favorite hymn of the Orgasmic Evangelical Church?

Oh, Come All Ye Faithful

 

181

What should a well-endowed lady

wear to bed?

a z bra, of course.

 

182

She said she would never go to bed with anyone until they had had a hundred dates.

So he bought that many and spread them on his bed.

That approach was dated,

but it worked.

 

183

Suggested theme song for Viagra commercials --

Pill the End of Time...

 

184

When the kitten lost her purrs,

the tom cat paid for her.

And that pussy was well worth it.

 

185

She fasted on holy days.

So that's when he dated her.

He liked fast ladies.

 

186

English lesson:

Superlative --

Wonderful

More wonderful

You.

 

187

"The island was uninhibited."

"You mean you were all alone?"

Hardly. The population was booming.

They made love 24/7 and

sold it by the gross."

 

188

What are the best stocking stuffers?

The shapely legs of a beautiful woman.

 

189

He was well-bread

so first he buttered her up,

then he went to roll play.

 

190

Why was the filly attracted to Old Paint?

Because he was

so long.

 

191

You are totally derful.

Onederful

Twoderful

Threederful...

 

192

The young woman changed her name to "Righteousness"

because men hunger and thirst for

Righteousness.

 

193

What is the sexiest plant?

Pussy willow.

 

194

Confucius say --

Lady of good taste

taste very good.

 

195

Missed cinematic opportunity --

Pussy Galore was the name of a character

in Goldfinger.

But we never got to see what he could do with that finger.

 

196

"It's a pleasure to meet you, sir."

"It would be a pleasure if you were all mine."

 

197

She desperately loved the baker --

he made her writhe in fingers rolls.

 

198

Dorothy loved muscle.

And lions and tigers and bears

all had enough of that

to make her say,

"Oh, my!"

 

199

She was a lady of depth --

her caverns were amazing.

He could explore them

for ours.

 

200

The lady had a thing for birds --

she put her jays on every night.

 

201

She based her career

on the alluring way she walked --

She became a hip-noticed.

 

202

She was upset being knocked around the pool table

until the player aiming at her said --

"Cute ball in the side pocket."

 

203

Her favorite colors were

aquamarine and

merchant marine.

But she would be happy with

any marine at all on a cold night.

 

204

He not only respected her --

he asspected her as well.

 

205

Counting lovely ladies' bottoms

is a good way to fall

assleep.

 

206

New blockbuster movie --

"Finding Emoji":

the epic story of a young woman's quest

for the perfect reply

to a flirtatious text

from a cute stranger.

 

207

When she broke up with him

she said they could be friends but

he couldn't keep sending her flirtatious messages.

So he went to the University of Mississippi

so he could tell her over and over --

Miss. U.

 

208

She said he wasn't the right man for her.

So he practiced doing everything left-handed

so he could be the left man for her.

 

209

Business idea --

Cellphone pockets

for men -- front and center, like Elizabethan cod piece

for women -- in the cleavage of a brassiere

draws attention and secures phone from theft and accidental loss

 

210

When the cheese fell in love with the bread,

what did he tell her?

"I am fondu of you."

 

211

When he was bad,

he was sent to the doghouse.

So he did his best to be good,

in hopes that he would be sent to the cathouse.

 

212

New weight-loss regimen --

Intermittent Sex Fasting.

Jog three miles a day and

have sex whenever you can

catch a fast lady.

 

213

When you truly connect,

presence makes the heart grow fonder.

 

214

Creation story:

God put Adam and Eve in Eden

where life was easy.

But Eve wanted it harder.

So they left to the Land of Viagra.

 

215

They met and fell in love at Costco,

at the rotisserie chicken

or was it the eggs?

They couldn't remember which came first.

 

216

What did the violinist wear to the beach?  

A g string

 

217

What's a good brand name for an Irish sports brassiere?

The Erin Go Bra

 

218

Childhood memories --

Dick and Jane

Nancy Screw

Hardy Boys

Boobsey Twins

 

219

George looked everywhere for an antique TV.

Finally he found one on eBay.

He was delighted to finally have a boob tube.

 

220

What medication is good for dampening

the desire for anal sex?

ant-ass-id

 

221

Another word for aphrodisiac?

tenderizer

 

222

Cleopatra had slaves specializing

in every variety of sexual service.

That's the origin of the word

butler.

 

223

Why did Susy join the high school debating team?

She was looking forward to rebuttals.

 

224

What is the best place to buy ED pills?

Club Med

 

225

What horse publicized that he suffered from erectile dysfunction?

Mr. ED

 

226

Love song of the erectile dysfunctional --

See Alice's Restaurant

 

227

When the hypnotists fall in love what do they do for dates?

They go trancing.

 

228

What is the sound of one lover coming?

It is the same as the sound of the other lover going.

 

229

The canary got asked out often

because she was a cheep date.

 

230

When a chicken and an egg have sex,

which comes first?

 

231

She became popular after she bought a racoon as a pet.

The rumor got around that she had an amazing rac.

 

232

Who was the official entertainer of the Continental Congress when they debated the Declaration of Independence?

Jane Handcock.

 

233

What did Molly Malone sing when she chanced upon a nudist colony?

Cocks and muscles

alive alive, ho!

 

234

He promised to give her a ring.

So she went to bed with him.

But he never called.

 

235

The sexy ship

was known as the "Hug Boat."

 

236

The lady wouldn't to go to exercise class.

She refused to do anything that was x-rated.

 

237

The raindrops fell in love

and in the morning,

they said, "I dew"

 

238

The naughty girl

went to bad at night,

and wore her naughty nighty.

 

239

When the old man

made love with young woman,

he celebrated with sex-with-a-teen candles.

 

240

"Oh! Oh! Oh!" she moaned.

"Do you love me," he asked.

"I don't know. But you are groaning on me."

 

241

Arrested for nudity,

she pleaded that she had a medical condition --

clothes-trophobia.

 

242

What should you say

when you pinch a lady's bottom?

Tush-ay

 

243

What was the middle name of Eliott Ness?

P

His wife called him P. Ness.

 

244

The archaeologist was delighted

when he got a grant to research Indian sites in the southwest.

He had long looked forward to getting

a Pueblo job.

 

245

The newly wed bought a fife

and gave it to his wife,

because he knew she wanted wife fife.

 

246

The Jewish lady

who had great sex

with a Christian

broke out in song --

Goy to the world.

 

247

Girls with glasses

have nice asses.

 

248

When her new boyfriend

made a move on her,

she said,

"No, no, no!"

And he said,

"It's great getting to no you."

 

249

"Why were you kissing George and Frank and Harry?" he asked his fiancee.

"I was practicing, so I could kiss you better."

 

250

What did the faucet say to the man who had just washed his hands?

Darling, that was a real turn on.

 

251

The gentleman went to the massage parlor at noon,

because he wanted a day job.

 

252

"Why don't you wear perfume?"

"It's a matter of identity.

I stink therefore I am."

 

253

When the genie gave her one wish,

she said she wanted to be a brick --

a free and independent brick,

fit to be laid over and over again.

 

254

Male plumbers are known for their butt cracks,

and lady plumbers for their plunging neck lines.

 

255

He dieted for his girlfriend,

knowing that if he were light,

she would turn on the light,

and that would be delightful.

 

256

How to catch the lady of your dreams --

with a bare trap.

 

257

She always had his back,

so she shouldn't have been surprised

that he always affronted her.

 

258

"Be kind," said the oracle.

"Be kini," heard the girl.

So she wore her tiny bikini,

and won the man of her dreams.

 

259

When they first met,

she said, "Hilo."

So he bought high, sold low, went broke,

fell in love with her,

and has been high ever since.

 

260

Another name for a dear john message --

a curtain call

 

261

What did William Penn say when he proposed?

Polly want a Quaker?

 

262

When the bisexual rabbi

went on his biweekly

buying spree,

he said

good-bi.

 

263

All winter long

their relationship had been "no strings attached."

Then tulips blossomed and they both rejoiced --

string was coming.

 

264

It's almost February

and the days are longing

for spring.

 

265

To enjoy erotica is human.

The earn from it divine.

 

266

The therapist told the bachelor

that he was having a mid-wife crisis.

So he married a midwife

and they lived happily ever after.

 

267

What did the music aficionado say to his lover

when he first heard her singing voice?

Be mime.

 

268

The novelists chose a linguist

to officiate at their wedding,

because he, better than anyone else,

could pronounce them man and wife.

 

269

The cobbler became a matchmaker

when he realized

the shoes were sole mates.

 

270

Word for the ability to effectively use Tinder --

Appti-nude.

 

271

Her breasts were outspoken --

saying outrageous things in inappropriate places.

Hence that type of talk came to be called

profane-titty.

 

272

The lady of his dreams was intelligent and beautiful,

but, above all, she was well-bed.

 

273

When the young lady walked down Fifth Avenue

with a prize-winning rabbit under each arm,

she was gratified

that men greeted her saying --

Nice buns.

 

274

At his wedding,

to the shock of the guests,

the pizza man rolled a huge crust,

removed his bride's gown,

wrapped the crust around her,

and broke into song:

"Love is all you knead!"

 

275

They fell in love when they first met

and have stayed together for 50 years.

They explain that the first kiss

was cumfusing.

 

276

He treated her well, very well.

But only once.

He was persistent and devoted.

He would never retreat.

 

277

The Greek scholar kept his love letters

in a phile cabinet.

 

278

The perfect Valentine's gift --

a box of chocolate tweets.

 

279

As soon as the student met her

he told her,

"I'd like to patriculate at youniversity."

 

280

He took his escort to Bloomingdale's

and bought her an evening gown.

It was a special, half-price.

When the date was over,

he paid her only half of what he had agreed.

He explained, "That's because you're special."

 

281

The lady went shopping for an evening gown.

The gentleman went shopping for an evening.

 

282

The clock loved her clockmaker,

but two-timed him.

She wanted a second chance,

but he gave her a second hand instead.

 

283

Long ago, before the days of interns,

Queen Zenobia had a thing for pages.

Her life was an inspiration for erotic novelists,

true page turner.

 

284

She applied for the position because

she wanted firsthand job experience.

But the spacing in the ad was wrong.

It should have read --

first handjob experience.

 

285

Slogan of Vegas show girls --

put your best tit forward.

 

286

He wanted to build muscle,

but lifting weights at the gym was boring.

So he picked up women instead.

 

287

When Emile Zola met her,

he knew immediately that

she was his zole-mate.

 

288

The young girl wanted to become a prostitute

because she loved music

and she wanted to learn to play

the organ.

 

289

She would only date medical students

because they studied orgasmic chemistry.

 

290

She had second-hand breasts.

It wasn't enough to be caressed by one hand.

She needed a second one.

 

291

When he made love with his boss,

he always made sure she had at least two orgasms,

so he could have a re-come-endation.

 

292

The boa constrictor gave her lover a

goodnight hiss,

and he gave her

a goodnight hug --

she was his main squeeze.

 

293

Definition --

Emojial, noun

Someone who has difficulty finding the right words to express his/her emotions, and becomes dependent on using emojis.

By extension, someone whose emotions are limited to what he/she can find emojis for.

 

294

How to address a short princess

who is offended by the irony of "highness" --

Your royal sweetness.

 

295

He fell for one of his followers --

her tweets were cute,

and her twittees were amazing.

 

296

Celebrate leap day.

Leap before you look.

If you don't you are at risk of

leaprosy --

four years, or even a lifetime

of regret.

 

297

She said they couldn't get together.

She had to catch up with her friends.

He replied,

"Well, ketchup with your friends

and mustard with me."

 

298

She is very truthful.

But be careful.

Don't believe her if she's lying in bed.

 

299

He met her online.

It was a matchicle experience.

 

300

His second wife was a bit rough around the edges.

But he loved her,

and she cooked better than he did.

She was a great fixer supper.

 

301

She wanted a pet

but didn't like dogs or cats.

So she got a husband instead

and he became her pet peeve.

 

302

Instead of flowers,

the author gave his true love

a basket full of books --

a book-quet.

 

303

The loving couple never tried to reach each other

by cellphone when and where reception might be bad.

They never wanted to break up.

 

304

The lady refused to ride bicycles.

She considered them immoral.

She would only ride heterocycles.

 

305

When the author read her his latest work

she slapped him.

"Why?" he asked.

"That was a very touching story,

and no touching is allowed."

 

306

She was very concerned about her health.

She went to the gym every day

and only bought orgasmic food.

 

307

When summer weather came,

the brilliant lady wore her

think tank top.

 

308

He needed discipline to lose weight.

A personal trainer didn't work.

So he hired a dominatrix.

 

309

The book was very good,

so good she couldn't put it down.

So he warned her

"Reading or not, I'm coming.

 

310

He filled out the form and handed it to the cute recruiter.

"What's this?" she asked. "Doggie?"

"That's the position I'm applying for."

 

311

Coining new word:

Social-closening --

moving in with a lover

for the duration

of social-distancing.

 

312

As they say on Valentine's

tweets for the tweet.

 

313

When the former prostitute went to college.

she was insulted to be given

assignments.

 

314

She was shocked to learn

that the napkins

at the fancy restaurant

were sanitary.

 

315

When the time of severe shortages comes

The well-stocked lady will be more attractive

than the well-stacked one.

 

316

She decided to take chemistry

because she was looking forward to

the sperimentation.

 

317

She kept putting him off

and putting him off.

Finally he realized that she

belonged to the Church of the Later in the Day Saints.

 

318

When he flipped the light switch,

she said,

"What a turn on!"

 

319

 

She changed her name to "Righteousness"

because she wanted men to hunger and thirst for her.

 

320

A well-built lady

is a booby trap.

 

321

A well-built lady

is a booby trap.

 

322

When the couple started having troubles,

they decided to go to grope therapy.

 

323

Their love

was a masterpiece

of heartwork.

 

324

An obstacle to romance

is a hurtle.

 

325

She fell in love with him

by a misunderstanding.

She thought he said, "I'm rich."

But he really said "Irish."

 

326

They were a perfect match.

Both studied philosophy.

He was into Hegel.

She was into Kegel.

And they were both into each other.

 

327

What bird is capable of having many orgasms?

The mul-tease falcon.

 

328

As Adam and Eve fell deeper in love,

she became Ever

and Ever

and Forever.

 

329

The newly-weds

prepared meals together

in the kiss-in.

 

330

Bobbit had a well-publicized accident

involving his nether parts.

Fortunately, he remembered.

 

331

They met in a psychiatric ward,

and have been committed ever since,

regardless of who is who

and who is with whom.

 

332

Camels like quickies --

they do it in only one or two humps.

 

333

Newly coined word --

a romantic story

is a kisstery.

 

334

Term for an escort who is also a writer --

freelance lover.

 

335

He wasn't ready for an assisted living facility, not yet.

So he signed up

for assisted loving instead.

 

336

He was persistent.

When she said, "No!"

He replied, "No thyself. Yes me."

 

337

He lost at the game of love

but wanted a rematch,

hoping for match-ic.

 

338

A clam proposed to girlfriend, "Will you marry me?"

She replied, "I shell."

 

339

Coronavirus Honeymoon.

Synopsis of a novel romance --

During the decade of social distancing,

they learned that they couldn't live together.

But, fortunately, they could love together.

 

340

Asstrology --

The science of predicting people's futures

by studying their behinds.

 

341

The self-distancing lady on Match

insisted that she wanted to be alone.

He replied, "Great. I want a lone her."

 

342

If a lady, while social distancing,

makes herself beautiful

and nobody sees her,

is she beautiful?

 

343

When a tourist in the red light district of Amsterdam

saw in a picture window

a lady servicing a client,

he called the number posted on the door

and asked,

"How much is that doggie in the window?"

 

344

Word to the wise --

Never try to clean a dirty mind.

 

345

Alone for the duration, she strove to improve her online writing skills.

She became a master of flirtition.

 

346

Title of pornographic Hitchcock movie?

Rear Window.

 

347

In the Middle Ages, nuns frequently gave advice to the love-lorn.

That was the origin of Dear Abbey.

 

348

She was a movie buff.

Not that she knew much about movies.

But that she like to watch them in the nude.

The joys of streaming.

 

349

The doctor prescribed bedrest.

So George tucked his bed in and let it rest.

 

350

She sort of liked him.

He was the boyfriend of last resort.

 

351

It was a light romantic comedy.

They seemed like a perfect match --

they were both on the spectrum.

But one was infrared

and the other was ultraviolet.

 

352

What happened when a second sailor

was marooned on Treasure Island?

Ben Gunn became

Ben Gay.

 

353

An escort with flexible tastes

is a buy sexual.

 

354

Wake up video call

girl --

a young stripling,

stripping wet,

zoomable,

remotely consumable,

socially present,

gift of the gods,

a virtual play-g girl.

 

355

The young lady was addicted to exercise.

She wanted to make her legs perfect.

She believed

to thigh own self be true.

 

345

The miracle worker didn't realize the power of his gift.

When a young girl told him her tale

of repeated heartbreak,

he said to her, "May your cup runneth over."

And her breasts filled out and broke free of her bra.

 

346

What did Big Foot say to the glacier?

"You have beautiful ice."

 

347

Their relationship was doomed.

He was a stag and she a doe,

and his name was John.

So any letter from her to him would begin,

Deer John...

 

348

She felt ambivalent about her new boyfriend.

So instead of sending him

a Dear John letter

she gave him a half-filled

demijohn.

 

349

He didn't want to go on dating sites

because then people would think he was old

and dated.

 

350

Subject line for marketing message

from an entertainment resort in Nevada --

Flesh Sale, come one, come all.

 

351

He was delighted to learn that his date

was a music lover.

He, too, liked doing it to music.

 

352

The new-normal Saturday night,

updating instead of dating --

sending emails to old girl friends.

 

353

Which bird has two penises? 

the cock-a-two

 

354

Friendship is a

communicable disease.

 

355

When she first encountered a ghost

it was love at first fright.

 

356

Why did Santa shop at a sex boutique?
He needed shocking stuffers.

 

357

He misunderstood her tastes.

He thought she wanted beer.

Instead she wanted diamonds from De Beers.

 

358

They had a lot in common.

They both went to the library.

She for a dick tionary,

and he for a leg see con.

 

359

She was totally deaf

and he was deafinitely in love with her.

He told her, "You're mime, all mime."

 

360

"I'm a sapiophile," she said.

"Likewise," he replied.

"To like wise

is very wise."

 

361

The stripper's stage name was

"Man's Breast Friend."

 

362

After shopping at an online image store,

he received hundreds of

jumbled, incomprehensible photos.

When he asked for an explanation,

he was told,

"You requested erratic pictures."

 

363

Name for a house of comfort in a retirement community --

Final Fantasy.

Its slogan --

No good wood should go to waste.

 

364

She thought he was the man of her dreams

until she learned he had no toes.

She was lack-toes intolerant.

 

365

The native was confused by the theological arguments

of those who sought to convert his people.

Until he met a preacher's daughter

who taught him

the missionary position.

 

366

Why did Santa shop at a sex boutique?
He needed shocking stuffers.

 

367

What did the loaf of bread and the stone

say to one another

when they fell in love?

"You rock!"

"And you roll!"

 

368

Hoping to be successful with her submissions,

she took submissive training

and sent out queeries

and stayed in b&d's.

Success never came,

but she had a novel experience.

 

369

As the impoverished author said to the woman he loved --
"What's mind is yours."

 

370

As the deaf-mute said to the woman he loved --

"What mime is yours."

 

371

A filter to remove pornographic photos and text

from online profiles

is known as a

profile-actic.

 

372

Question --

Do men like it when women chase them?

Answer --

That depends on the grammatical structure of the sentence.

Men like it when women chase them.

But men do not like to be chaste.

 

373

Coupling -

We aren't hydrogen and oxygen.

We're water, with the unique properties of water,

meant to be together from the moment we were born,

or from a pre-heaven for souls.

Forces of nature brought us together

so we could become the couple we were meant to be.

 

374

Ah! The joys of a coronavirus summer.

Young ladies, daring in their anonymity.

whose masks are bigger than their bikinis.

 

375

When the magical princess

offered to turn her favorite horse

into a unicorn,

he bolted and was never seen again.

There was no way he wanted to be a unic.

 

376

She married him

because he promised to keep her

bare butt

and pregnant.

 

377

She got suspicious that he was

spending so much time at the yacht club

and talked about his boat as if it were a woman.

She exploded when she learned that every month

he was buying this "boat"

expensive slips.

 

378

She was tired of being single.

So she checked the web

and went to the nearest grooming salon.

He was checking for the nearest bridal path.

Their routes cross,

and they've been happily married ever since.

 

379

Which came first

the chicken or the egg?

The chicken of course.

The egg was too young to have sex.

 

380

The Match date said,

"I love outdoors."

He replied,

"I usually do it in bed."

 

381

Her vagina is a members-only club.

 

382

What Indian tribe was renowned for its anal sex toys?

Asstech

 

383

When she was 20,

she was looking for a few good men.

Now at 70,

she's hoping for a few good years.

 

384

Check list for Match -

Soulmate

Mindmate

Bodymate

Checkmate.

 

385

She insisted on buying

specially grown cucumbers.

She wanted to be sure

her orgasms were organic.

 

386

She was shy about being fondled,

so he explained to her

that her breasts needed to be massaged regularly

or her nipples could develop

erectile dysfunction.

 

387

She was self-conscious about being overweight,

until she took belly-dancing lessons

and became the belly of the ball.

 

388

She wasn't sure if they were a match

until she saw his bathroom

and realized that they used the same deodorant.

They were aero-soul mates.

 

389

The widower was trying to decide

where in the Caribbean to retire.

He considered Hatey and Lovey,

but eventually picked

the Dominatrix Republic.

 

390

For Valentine's, he gave her

a heart-shaped box of candy.

Then he poured green liqueur into it,

and it became a delicious fondue.

"How did you do that?" she asked.

"Absinthe makes the heart grow fondue."

 

391

Title of owner's manual

for your husband's equipment --

To Have and to Hold.

 

392

The pornographer wrote his author's bio in milk.

It was a profile lactate.

 

393

Her backside was getting flabby with weight and age,

so she went to a champion debater

in hopes of a rebuttal.

 

394

Suggested title for a new porn mag.

The New York Good Times

"All the nudes that are fit to print."

 

395

She said, "Catch me if you can!"

He ran after her and caught her.

"Got you," he said proudly.

"Yes, indeed. And now I've been chaste."

 

396

Automation?

An automate sounds like a masturbation device :-)

 

397

The pornographic road builder

specialized in ass fault.

 

398

Her story was replete with sexual

in-you-end-o.

 

399

His subscription to Playboy expired,

so he renude it.

 

400

He was addicted t